Even though I have been feeling like this is over for a while now. Last night, there was a point where I realized that I have no fight in me. I have no hope nor expectation for her to change or things to get better.

I can’t envision a brighter future with her. I can barely bring myself to look at her. She’s burned me so many times that I couldn’t have any self respect for myself if I tried. Even if i wanted to try to work things out. She’d have to kiss my ass in ways that I don’t think she’s capable of doing, nor would I really want her to. I just don’t think she’s worth it. She isn’t who I thought she was. She really is for the streets. She is a liar and comes from a place of deception. She really is one of those type of people!!! Dunno why that was so hard for me realize about her.

I can’t lie, pretend, hope, or even righteously imagine that we could fix it. I’ve given her so many times to come clean, change, consider our family, stop being disrespectful and sneaky and lying so much. I don’t think she can change. I cannot respect her for taking our family away without even trying to fix it. I can’t respect her for hurting our kid and breaking up his home without so much as lifting a fucking finger to fix it.

To me, she’s a lying, disloyal, cheater who only cares about her own happiness, damned if the people closest to her get hurt by her actions. She never gave it chance, and instead of respecting us as a family, my efforts as her husband, nor the fact that our child deserved for us to at least work at our marriage, she chose to actively take advantage, lie, cheat, humiliate, and disrespect OUR FAMILY for some new dick.

Seriously, otherwise maybe we could have worked at figuring out almost anything else that was making her so unhappy. She’ll never be able to admit that….and it wasn’t for some specific person. It’s because she wants to be out her “experiencing” new men in an effort to make herself “happy.”

I hate that our child has to be collateral damage. I’m pissed that she disrespected me so bad on that, but I’ll be ok. Truth is, I only stuck it out for him. But the fact that she’s so willing to hurt him over such a superficial and false fantasy (how will this make her better)….and why does he have to suffer over her selfishness…..that’s the part that’s toughest to cope with.

I hate that she lies and loses no sleep at night for being so wicked after doing so much damage to people who truly loved and depended on her the most.

I hate how she justifies this hurtful behavior as, it’s not her intent to hurt someone…..as if her intent justifies her wicked and unnecessary actions.

As if verbal acknowledgment and accountability are the same thing.

And i think I’d be willing to forgive all of that….the wasted 10 years. The realization that she never truly loved me. The fact she betrayed me…. (of course we couldn’t be together anyway after that)…… but hurting our kid by destroying our home because she wants some “new dicks” in her life….is almost unforgivable.

It was OUR responsibility create a home for this kid. I was fucked over bad first and then again, and then again…..I was lied to, cheated on, gaslit, disrespected, emasculated, cucked, and yet and still, I took all of that so that our kid wouldn’t have to face the heart crushing pain of what she did to us.

I hate when people say that both people share the blame. In a way it’s true, no one is perfect.

But it truly minimizes the fucked up things that one person in a relationship can do in order to totally fuck things up for everyone.

She has even admitted that I was a good man to her and our family. Yet, I deserve to have my home ripped right from under my feet. I deserve to have my son taken from me even though I took all of this pain for him. We deserve misery because she thinks that sucking random dick and living like a gotdamn bourgeois ass thot is what’s going to make her happy.

Adding insult to injury, she wants me to protect him from what she’s doing. As if this is my fault or doing. Yet, I have to take yet another flaming arrow for her in order to protect their relationship. Not saying I really have much of a choice in this. My principles inform me that I really shouldn’t bad mouth her to him nor damage their relationship. I don’t know if the truth about her won’t damage him psychologically.

I’m Not saying we should be together anymore. I am painfully aware that this could never work. But i feel like I deserve more gotdamned respect than this. Yet the silver lining is that I won’t have any regrets.

I truly believe that my cause was righteous. I made mistakes along the way to get here. I don’t even feel bad as she never questioned me about any of my indescrections (i don’t know if she knew or simply didn’t care). I never had to be dishonest with her.

I do feel that she did push me out there. I was hurting….bad, my self esteem was shot, it felt good to have someone to kind of go through some of this with me. I needed that intimacy that she starved me for. The sex and if I’m honest, the validation that I do deserve better. And tbh, If i behaved and treated her the way she did me, I couldn’t be mad at her.

That said, I gotta get to a better place. I can imagine in a year or two, when we settle into the new norm. Our kid is aware that his home isn’t going to be with both of us in it. And when we figure out this custody, child support thing……I’ll be much better off. Hopefully he’ll bounce back without too much damage. I may have to give him up if she wants this to be a custody battle. Not that I wouldn’t be willing to spend the money, but her unreasonableness and selfishness on the issue might cause more damage due to the contentious nature of these types of battles. How unfair would it be to make him choose between either of us? And when he’s older, I can explain to him what actually happened. Hopefully he can forgive me if I am somehow painted out to be the bad guy in all of this.

As for her, I don’t really care. I mean right now, of course I’d love to see karma bust her in her lying, psychopathic, cheating, narcisisstic, shallow, selfish ass.

But I’d rather be at a place of peace, content, and apathy. Maybe she’ll change, maybe not. But i don’t want to be in a place where if she appears to be “happy”, or if she gets off with it all scott free, where I’m mad or bitter over it. Though karma would probably still be my primary choice if i had any say in it at all.