A New Beginning

We’re both unhappy, but I’m unhappy as a result of her constant affairs (both emotional and physical), her never wanting to fix (or even try) to find out why she’s so “unhappy”, not taking responsibility, nor seeming to care to bridge the huge gap caused by her repeated infidelities.

I believe my wife has mental issues. What specifically, I don’t know. I have no idea how she can intentionally disrespect me, our family, or herself for that matter without feeling guilty. Or how she could hurt and betray someone who never did anything to her. Or how she thinks that it’s ok to cheat on her husband just because she’s “unhappy”. At least without addressing the issues and trying to fix them first. I could see if she voiced concerns to me first which I ignored, but to this day, she never explained to me the real reason for her “unhappiness.”

Perhaps she just wants to explore what’s out there while keeping her family in tact. It’s like job hopping, but wanting to keep the security of the current job until the right one comes along. that’s a huge problem because I have feelings and self respect. Plus, she’s not doing what she’s supposed to be doing at her “current” job.

I gotta let her go. It’s so hard not be bitter and angry when her being on the phone and texting other men feels so disrespectful. She is my wife and we still live together. I am a man, a human, and I deserve more respect than that. I make it a point to call her out everytime and let her know that this is NOT OK. I am reasonable, but I don’t yell or fight as not to act out of character in front of the kid. Unforntuatley, she doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that I’m trying to shield him even though I have informed her several times NOT to do this in front of us.

I can’t believe it’s been over 3 years and I’m still dealing with this. I do think that I am in a decent enough space now to be able to have a reasonable conversation with our son without coming across as bitter. She still makes it hard. I was expecting for her to become rational again…..possibly try fixing things…..or either be amicable and respectful as we figure things out. But i have to realize (and I should have realized this at least 2 years ago), that I am projecting onto her what I want/expect her to be. Reasonable/rational/fair.

But she isn’t and so I am pretty much alone in this insofar as figuring EVERYTHING out.

I don’t want to stay married to her. But I want to have my own place. I want our son to be settled in and used to the new norm. And then we get divorced on paper. I can’t live under the same roof with her as long as she’s seeing other men. Even if we weren’t married on paper.

It’s already bad enough that she is married to me, but I can concede to accept it if we don’t actually live together.

She’s supposed to be going on another travel assignement as soon as she finds a position. That will be a great start and it will give me the opportunity and space to continue to detach. I already expect her to start seeing other guys, but I’m ok with it as I’ve accepted that she’s going to be talking to other men with or without me around. It’s much better for me to sleep alone, than with someone who disrespects me like that.

While for the most part, we get along well, unless she’s on the sneaky phone bullshit in front of me and/ or our son…..we don’t really enjoy each other’s company anyway. I’m super moody when it comes to her because I don’t like being played for the fool. We’re not cool and the notifcations and suspicious behavior is enough to remind me to snap out of it when I starting letting my guard down too much.

If the travel assignment is in New York (we live in Atlanta), I fear that she may start (continue?) a relationship up there and want to actually move there to be with him. I’d be fine with that, but I fear she may want to move our son up there. Just like last time. This is where things can get contentious and I may possibly need a lawyer. Even if we have a custody battle, I think I’d have to give my permission to allow him to live up there.

I’d ask him what he wanted to do. If he wanted to move, then I wouldn’t make him stay here. But if he wasn’t sure, then she sure as hell can’t have custody.

TBH, it would in a way force her to choose between her new “man” or her son. Last time, I almost conceded and let him move up there with her. I reasoned that she is his mother and their relationship meant a lot to her. That would have been a big mistake.

This time though, she can go to hell and there will be not consideration for it. I am curious to see if she really loves him enough to choose him over some new “love” interest. This would be the second time she left him (although last time was temporary), she was willing to lose time with him or disrupt his pretty good life in order to be closer to her affair partner. Dude’s a fucking loser at that and in no way had the ability nor is the type to take care of her. NOt saying it matters, but it does when it comes to me trusting her with custody and making good decisions for our son.

I’m thinking that in one scenario, she stays up there, chooses her new “love” interest over him and once the divorce proceedings happen, I’d ask for full custody (as I am taking care of him while she’s gone like last time) and I would get it.

She would either have to move back to GA if she wanted joint custody or stay up there and grant me full custody. But either way, she couldn’t just take him to stay without my ok. I’d only mess up if i said that she could keep him for a few months or something.

In another scenario, she would move back to GA after the assignment were over and get a home. We could talk about living arrangements then.

At the end of the day, it’s up to her where she wants to live. I’m ok either way, but as long as I can stay steady and consistent (and stay out of trouble), I should be able to keep custody. Possibly getting child support if she acts out of pocket about it. I don’t feel guilty in this because 1)she broke the family without attempting to fix it and 2)she makes more money than me 3)she seems to care more about herself than his well being at his point (see point 1) and 4)her character makes me question her ability to really be a decent single mother.

For now, just keep my nose clean. It’s just me and him and without her bringing me down, hopefully, though I don’t anticipate this will be easy, at least I don’t have the pressure of feeling disrespected in my own home.

We can stay in the apartment for now. I may have to figure out to convince her to help pay for the apartment, but if she doesn’t then, I can get a part time job on the weekend. My only concern is that if she saves up enough money because she’s only paying for her and makes more money, she can lawyer up and when we go to court, I won’t have enough to afford one on my own so she may end up with custody.

If it gets that far, I’ll worry about it then. It’s in God’s hands at that point. As I write this, I’m actually looking forward to her leaving. I was still hopelessly in love with her last time. I still had hope for our marriage and nuclear family. I was hurt beyond belief, probably in denial, and in a very bad place mentally.

Hopefully, I can keep this energy up once she’s gone again. Hopefully I’m not so concerned about if she’s screwing around as worrying about it last time seemed to have no effect on her behavior anyway. Plus now I see how she “really” is. I’ve had more than enough time to process the fact that who I thought she was and who she really is are contrary to one another.

I’m keeping the focus on making him a better man, his education, my job(s), and boxing/jujistu for now. At least until he’s a little older and I can worry about dating then. Dunno, hopefully I can squeeze R in, but I won’t and can’t prioritize it for now. And i can’t expect her to understand (or even if she does) it’s not her responsibility to put her life on hold for us. He comes first right now until he can take care of himself.

I can take this time to make myself a better man as well and what better way to learn than to teach?

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