Infectious Insanity

Living with my wife for the past 5 years has been the most tumultuous insane period of my life. She’s not who I thought she was, insofar as what’s in her heart.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have placed such high expectations on her. I was smitten by her beauty and somewhat reserved nature. Still though, I should have peeped the red flags:

No participation during deep conversation, no original thoughts on anything, the fact that she had just jumped out of a long term relaionship directly into one with me, she claimed to be a christian, but didn’t “know” if she was saved or not. The reasons she broke up with her boyfriend seemed dubious at best, in all honesty, he sounded like a pretty decent guy (that one cheating episode aside).

Dating, was probably the furthest I should have gone with her. By the time I proposed, I was already deep in love with her. I did my share of simping, placing her on a pedestal, and made the mistake of loving her with all my heart. She was my world and i would have done anything for her. I felt as if I would forsake everything for her…..all the while deep down, I knew that I loved her a little more than she loved me.

I was clueless about red pill understanding on these matters. I thought she was “the one.” And i was willing to deal with any problems (aside from cheating)…. I wanted to protect and maintain our vows.

That said I loved her too much. I overestimated how seriously she took our vows. I thought that our marriage and family (though not perfect) was much more important to her… at least important enough to fight for when times got rough.

Perhaps she loved me at the time, but at some point, I have to accept that she is who she is and I cannot change that. That said, our views on marriage, love, and loyalty is different.

Her feeling like, loyalty is contingent on whether or not she’s happy. It seems that she feels that cheating is justified if she’s not satisfied. Even if she can’t identify the “why”. Even if she doesn’t express discontent nor tries to do anything to help fix it.

In certain ways, I want her to feel actual remorse about hurting me so bad. The lies, gaslighting, disrespect to me (as a person), our marriage, and family. I want her understand the humiliation she put me through. The mental pain and anguish she’s caused. I want her to actually feel bad about her actions insofar as destroying our relationship and family.

Yet it seems that this won’t be possible this lifetime. I don’t think she’s capable of feeling that deep. Her morals are very loose and she doesn’t have a sense of empathy that will prevent her from doing things that hurt those should mean the most to her. She’s a loose cannon. And no amount of guilt tripping, asking her to put herself in someone else’s shoes, telling or showing her how fucked up it is when others do it others can get her to do better.

It’s a lost cause. Her immediate gratification is more important than the potential long term effects of the dissolution of our nuclear home may have on our son.

She is the “typical american woman” as described in redpill literature. Selfish, deceitful, shallow, ignorant, and proud. Though cute on the outside, especially for her age, on the inside, she’s obliviously wicked and cold.

I cannot allow her to keep cheating. I just don’t believe enough in her anymore. She broke my heart. She doesn’t care if she hurts me. In fact, I think she gets a bit of pleasure from it. I can’t rely on her and I don’t have the fight in me left to pray anymore. Not to say I’ve been perfect in all this, having had my own affair after the fact. But still, she never knew or either didn’t care enough to say anything about it. It never hurt her in any way.

These matters are complicated. I did what i had to do after months of trying to get her to stop and enduring way more pain, loss of confidence, etc.

I blamed not wanting to hurt my son for staying, but I should have manned up and divorced first. I’ll say that I was wrong for that.

Either way, she’s not going to change. She’s moving out soon to take a “travel assignment” as well as (presumably) have more time to get involved with her new interest.

I have to do something, because she’ll eat cake until either he or someone convinces her to leave or I leave myself. I have to put in the work, make plans, and carry all this on my shoulders as she doesn’t care about anyone else but herself.

With that, I guess that I’m right back in position of powerlessness of having to endure the disrespect and disregard for my feelings in the matter. I’m going to have to save myself without her help.

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