I remember that my first crush was when I was in the 1st grade. To me, this girl was beautiful. One day, her friend told me that she liked me back. I remember being embarassed and telling her, something like “no, I don’t want that nasty girl.” I grew out of that phase as I older.
Now, I’m thinking that I’m getting back to that. Women are still beautiful, but for some reason, I think I’m starting to feel disgusted by them. The idea that other men have lain up in her turns me off for some reason.
I had a conversation with co-worker about how I’m not feeling the WAP song and how I feel that it makes women look like whores when they start feeling it. I mean, the song starts with “there some hoes in this house”, and these women go crazy. I told her how i lose a certain level of respect or attraction for women who do this.
“It’s 2020 and women have the right to express themselves sexually.” She responded. “True, but what happened to being a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.” I replied.
I don’t have a problem with women expressing themselves sexually. Actually I do. Well, I don’t, but I do. As an adult, I know that 90% of women aren’t pure angels. Pretty much all of them have had dicks in their mouths, had guys bust on their faces, engaged in one night stands, had unprotected sex with strangers, swallowed cum, been f*cked in the ass, had sex in cars, nightclubs or bars, been choked, had MWM threesomes, trains, etc….probably multiple times for many of these acts.
And while it’s their right to do whatever the hell they want to do….I find the idea that there is some dude(s) who can say they did this to a girl that I’m claiming disgusting. I literally feel nauseous to my stomach if I think about it too long….how much more if I am currently dealing with her. TBH, I think i’m going to stop eating pussy and kissing.
It’s pretty degrading, like putting my mouth on the crotch of a pair of used underwear. In my past/present life, for some reason, it gave/gives me pleasure to please her by any means.
But I’m starting to understand how when some dudes call a woman a “bitch” or any other derogatory term, they feel it from a certain place. It’s not in a sense of being “a disagreeable woman”. But from a place of feeling confused and angry, like one hand, she’s disgusting, yet I lust over her.
My major issue is that sex isn’t a sacred act. It means nothing, and in many cases, at least for me, i start to feel unnecessarily bonded to her over the fact…. especially if she’s the only one I’m dealing with at the time.
Despite CONCEDING the fact that, in her past, she’s probably engaged in all sorts of sexual depravity, I feel like I don’t want her doing sexual things with anyone else while I’m with her. ESPECIALLY if I claim her … i.e. public relationship, marriage, etc….. or as I’ve recently learned about myself, a long term fwb situation.
It’s not her fault per se. It’s mine. I really shouldn’t be kissing these broads and in special cases, eating them out. I actually enjoy it,so I think I’m pretty good at it. Perhaps that’s the beta in me.
So the conflict is that I enjoy engaging in an act that i find disgusting and degrading. I wouldn’t mind if she were mine forever, but given the modern woman’s tendency to get bored if she’s with you for long enough….her many options….and right/ability to lie, cheat, and or terminate the relationship at any time, I shouldn’t subject myself to such a personal and self inflicted wound….”Bitch”.
I now know you shouldn’t place a woman (or anyone for that matter on a pedestal). Outside of “game” strategy, this is a personal reason. These bitches are for everybody.
I regret getting married and creating a family with my wife. I mean, there is still some beauty in the fact that we provide a safe home and environment for our child. Certain family moments are amazing and at times it seems worth the effort.
But given her capricious nature. the fact that she had an affair before, and I can no longer trust her makes me look at her like one of these “bitches.” All it’s going to take is either her ex AP or some dude who she’s attracted to, has sufficient charisma, and the balls to talk to her ….and she’s back on the bullshit.
I feel that no matter what I do for her, no matter the sacrifices, our family…. (let’s also be real ME)…. is not important enough for her to keep her from doing whatever with whomever.
So I just cannot “love” her or any woman in that matter in the sense of how I used to. At least not voluntarily. I was taught the love is an action word. In other words, you don’t just say that you love someone, you show them…..usually through some sort of voluntary sacrifice or by putting them ahead of you sometimes. The type of Love i desire requires trust and I just don’t trust them.
I now realize that it doesn’t matter what you do, if a bitch lusts or are ” in love” with you, you don’t have to do much at all. TBH, in the end, it’s only temporary so it doesn’t mean much in the long run.
Plus, they take the idea that just because a nice guy does something nice for a woman doesn’t mean she owes him anything. Surface level, it makes sense, but in a deeper sense, it does imply that nothing he does, sacrifices he makes, bullshit he deals with obligates her to love, respect, or be real with him.
In fact, the more you do for her, the less she’s attracted to you. This is one case in life where doing the bare minimum will get you far. They’d rather hear you say how much you care for them and not actually show it, than the reverse. It is what it is, but it does require a level of emotional / intellectual dishonesty that I don’t know if I’m built for long term. I actually do start caring and end up having to pretend that I don’t give a fuck. I still have that “nice guy” thing going on. She doen’t owe it to me to be with me, but she does owe me respect and honesty. But I realize that’s too much to expect these days. “Oughts” count for nothing.
Due to the thirst, loneliness, and depravity of men, women can pretty much operate with impunity. It doesn’t matter how badly she treated/treats her current man. She’ll always have a sucker ready to wife/bed her.
And while I truly don’t give a fuck when it comes to my wife…..she really broke my heart and humiliated me, so I can’t even pretend to care or not. Like, I don’t even want to put up any effort at all. I don’t care enough outside of hoping she won’t humiliate me again. I don’t care if she finds me attractive or not. I don’t feel like she’s attracted enough anyway and even if she were, I will never allow myself to be put in position to trust her like that again. My new vulnerability is based on title and pride. Not love at this point, and the same way for any future relationship. The very idea of trusting or loving someone so deeply brings me a level of deep down discomfort where I get cannot even begin to entertain it. I’m not saying that others shouldn’t do it, but for me…..the conclusion is a resounding HELL NO.
Call me a pussy/bitter/toxic all u want, but I cannot go through that indescribable pain again. Knowing what women are capable of and having no real way of distinguishing the authentic from the fake.
So for me….Marriage is pointless.
Outside that though, How in the hell could I have gotten away with an affair for two going on 3 years and she never even questioned me. I’ve never even gone though any extraordinary lengths to hide it. She couldn’t really give a fuck about me….and it shows that we definitely aren’t connected like that.
Sure, my AP has hurt me in the past, but she’s a “bitch” too. But the difference is that I don’t claim her like that and I’m not under the illusion that I can truly trust her. I realize that the only reason, my pride could be hurt by her is because I kiss and have oral sex with her.
So, that said, truly, no fap has to be implemented. I have to get to the point where regular (PIV) sex …. no making love…. turns me on enough to make it worth it. And if it doesn’t then perhaps I shouldn’t be having it.
Perhaps I have to learn that the intimacy I love and crave will always come at a cost to my mental health, well-being, pride, and manhood. I love love and that’s a problem. I hate the attachment that “love” creates to these bitches. Making love is off the table because it don’t want to fall in love.
I’m tired of relationships/situationships/bullshit and everything with these women. I’d rather be single and deal with them on my own terms in my own time. From what I see, It’s so much better and easier to have several in rotation. None are worth it as none are really trustworthy. And i’m cool with that, but at least I’d have the option to move how I want to and walk away if she starts acting out of pocket. Ironically, i believe it’s the only way to keep her in pocket….and if I’m wrong, then at least i won’t risk falling too hard for someone who changes her mind about me later.
Chasing is cool, as long as it’s not coming from a place of sincerity. I’d just rather be single. As an introvert, I don’t have the energy to want to be around some judgemental, untrustworthy, unfaithul, illogical, broad all day. Who has no problem with subjecting me to more humiliation by cheating or dealing with other men, then lying about it.
Again, do you. I’m not judging you. But it’s a problem when I’m stuck in a situation where I cannot walk away once her true nature begins to shine through.