Puppy Kicker

So the wife has been much more open to talking and making plans for the future.   She has expressed that she wants things to work out with us.

I still don’t trust her.  My cousin summed up my trepidation by saying that it seems that she expects me to simply forgive her and that she didn’t even really show that she was sorry.   His words specifically, was that she didn’t even grovel and beg for forgiveness.

Yup,  as petty as it sounds, I think that is most of the issue.   She hasn’t shown me that she was really sorry.   I know people express things their regret differently, but the way she expressed it to me is no different from a person who isn’t sorry would.

I wanted her to voluntarily grant me access to her phone, send me articles or videos about how to heal and forgive, maybe get a counselor, or marriage counselor.    How about sex on demand for a  few months.   How about some head without asking.   Maybe writing a thoughtful letter or email…. something

As of now, all I get is the occasional, are u ok?   She wants things just to go back to normal.    But meanwhile, i did catch a glimpse of her phone one day and she’s still entertaining some guy.   When i called her out on it, she has the nerve to say….”oh that’s nothing.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe… for now anyway, just ride it out.   I mean even if I were single, I’d still have a LOT of responsibility in caring for our son.  meaning no time for a relationship anyway.   I’m not trying to fall in love with anyone.    At least i’d get to have my son under my same roof.

I don’t really love her anymore.  I read a verse in the book of ecclesasticus saying that if you don’t love your wife, don’t trust her.    I guess it implies that sometimes you are married to people you don’t love.    I don’t really trust her.  I know that I can’t.   But I wonder when the next dude comes along, how will I handle it.    I mean, I do know what i’m dealing with now, but at the same time, just as with the current guy, I can’t help but feel a little upset about it anyway.

She called me out the other day for not wearing my ring anymore.   I haven’t put it back on since the affair.   I tried once during her affair when i first thought it was over only to find out she was still seeing the asshole.   This was before the actual betrayal.

I personally think that she’s a psychopath.   She lacks empathy.    She’s codependent.   She’s sneaky and has no qualms about lying or cheating…..as long as she’s the one doing it.    There isn’t much depth to her emotionally and I really wonder if she actually thinks about anything.   I admire the fact that she definitely doesn’t overthink things and can shut her brain off.   But   I could see how it would be fairly easy for a manipulative person to take advantage of her.    Knowing what I know now, it’s not really hard to imagine that a person could get her to betray her family.

She might be a fun girl to have a good time with.   She’s not bad looking, but definitely not  wifey material.   At least to me anyway.   A wife for me, has to be trustworthy and loyal at least.   She should be empathetic….smart.

Beauty is wasted on a bad woman.  It’s like a streak dinner served on a garbage can lid.  Fortunately for her, a lot men don’t realize this and will do/say whatever to get sex and validation.   Thirst is the way of the world  it seems.

At this point, I’d be willing to take a bowl of chicken soup in a clean bowl over filet mignon served on a dirty plate.

A lot of guys say they don’t want a woman who is emotional.   I need a woman who can express her emotions and at be empathetic enough to understand that cheating breaks the person you’re with down.

Some people don’t kick puppies because they feel empathy for it.   Some people don’t because society frowns upon it.    If society thought it were ok, you’d a a lot more people out here playing kick puppy.    I desire someone in the former camp…..who wouldn’t do it, even if society thought it were ok.    (not saying she wants to kick a puppy, just an example of how she is ok with justifying bad things she feels she can get away with)

What I won’t do is go in on a mortgage with her.   If she wants me to stay, then fine, I’ll help with the bills.  But if things get too disrespectful, i just can’t take it anymore…..or if i do meet someone who does really love me like that (and the feeling is mutual), I need to have the financial freedom to bail to my own place with the minimal about of financial backlash.

It does eat at me to have to stay in this farce of a marriage though.  We play a good act.  I’m still convinced that he has no clue as to how serious things are.   Not a day goes by where I don’t regret falling for her and getting caught up in this situation with her.   But i guess that’s just life.

I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not doing this for her.  I”m doing it for our son.   Many people say that you shouldn’t stay married for the sake of the kids, but I wonder how many people do.  What secrets lie beneath that seemingly good 30 year marriage.   It’s not like our marriage is toxic on the surface.   Hopefully, I’m not subconsciously imparting negative behaviors into him.   Personally, I’ll tell him to never get married when he gets older.   Or rather at least try and vet the girl to the best of my ability.

Somebody pass the Henny.

 

 

 

 

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