Lately, with no modafinil, and very little alcohol in my system, I’ve been noticing that the former fears / problems of my youth seem to slightly creeping up again.    Social anxiety is what they call it even though, I don’t really like to call it that.

It’s strange.  I don’t really feel a fear of people, i don’t think i really care about being judged negatively by others, and I don’t really feel afraid on the inside.   I just noticed that I feel a bit, self conscious.    Now, come to think of it, I did relapse on the no fap commitment over the weekend.    Confirmation that it really does work.    I have been doing it for so long, that I got used to that area of confidence in my life.

That said, I do feel a bit of anxiety about not being able to “think on my toes” as quickly as I’d like to.    This has nothing to do with nofap.   No fap doesn’t seem to make me more sociable, funnier, clever, or more witty, but  I at least I seem to feel more ok about the lack of that ability.

I saw two woman today and didn’t talk /flirt with them.   Of course, I rarely do anyway, but still, today it felt a bit weird because deep down I felt that I should have said ….something flirtatious.

Maybe i just don’t know how.   My conversations seem to be either dry, matter of fact, simply small talk or deep political/philosophical/religous discussions.    I can usually get by on those on a day to day basis with most people in my life as the time of my interactions with them are usually very limited.

But i do wish that I had the lowered inhibitions that alcohol seem to offer.   Oddly enough when on modafinil, I can talk all day and am not necessarily funny or witty, so it seems to mask the lack of lively conversation.

I have to admit that I am a bit jealous of people who have/ can flip those conversations into something clever or witty.    I don’t have to have Mark Twain one liners ready all the time, but at least some of the damn time.   I don’t know if most people have this ability or maybe it’s just that my mind only focuses/remembers those who do.    I don’t really watch interactions that most people have with others (outside tv or the internet) so i can really say if I’m just average/normal in that regard or not.

I assume they have witty/clever things to say or have “personality” with most people they interact with.

The thing is I don’t know how to do this.    It’s been 40 years on this earth you’d think I’d have this figured out by now.   I mean, how can i lower my inhibitions and self consciousness so that I can just flow freely.    I don’t really ‘know’ my own personality.

From what I’ve gathered, it seems just spontaneous.  Almost automatic.   Like walking/running/putting on a shirt or what have you.  You don’t think about it, you just do it.    People just don’t concentrate on “say this” or “I should say that”…..it’s like, they just say it.

They say to try not to be in your head.   And i don’t.   I don’t have anything to be nervous or anxious about, my mind is blank.   And i do beleive that for the most part, most people’s are.    But it’s as if a spark or something hits them and boom.   Full expression of their personality and if they’re good, it’s funny clever and appropriate.   When i try to do this, I end up saying something stupid or lame.   No….not even like u can play it off…..just stupid and lame.

I saw a neighbor in the store the other day:

Me:    Aye what up bruh

He:     Hey man, I almost didn’t recognize you.   What u been up to?

Me:   Man just trying to get away from all these folks in the quarantine (as i’m walking into the grocery store)….looking all scruffy becuz i can’t hit the barber shops.

He:   Yeah it’s crazy.

Me:   Yeah man, take it easy bruh.

It really didn’t bother me and outside of being kind of a stupid thing to say at the time, as I was actually going somewhere where people were, i dismissed it as acceptable (barely).    At the time it felt awkward and forced, but in retrospect, it was probably not so bad and i know that he probably never gave the conversation a second thought.

I met this girl today at the rim shop where I went to get my tires fixed.  Yeah, she worked there and was probably being a little more flirty to try and make a sale.   Ok, not flirty, but i felt that she was feeling me a bit.  It’s hard to explain.  You just know.   Either way, in my mind, I wanted to say something funny to make her laugh and …. NOTHING.   I had nothing.   I didn’t make it weird or anything, I just kept it surface level, business as usual.

This is the crux of the problem.    Having nothing to say, I say nothing.   I could force it and regret saying something stupid.   I could have asked about her job or something.  Driving lyft has helped be be better at asking questions (it’s been a while, so maybe i’m a little rusty?).    Either way, i wasn’t really trying to go for friendly, but rather funny.

Pickup teaches that self-amusement is the key to all this.   The ability to entertain yourself and feel good about it at the same time is a primary takeaway that the best pickup artists i’ve heard speak on.

Self amusement seems to go out of the window at times though….especially if i’m stuck in the every day grind of life.  Truth be told, i often forget to just have fun throughout the day and im instead passively listening to youtube videos while doing my work all day.

Maybe i gotta work on that.