Well cuck me then

I’m such a pussy when it comes to my family it seems.  For some reason, I just can’t find it in me to be the one who leaves.  Perhaps it’s the innocence I see in him right now as kid.   I know that other kids go through and survive their parents splitting up.   But how toxic are those households?

We don’t really fight that much and he loves us both dearly.  From all appearances, at least to him, things aren’t that bad.   And truth be told, they aren’t …. at least surface level.   As a man, I feel it’s my obligation to carry the burden and it isn’t my right to leave because of something as pussy as emotional distress.   Maybe that’s how I was indoctrinated and if that’s indeed the case, society did a great job (from an effectiveness standpoint).

I guess some people will understand and some won’t.   I’m not a glutton for punishment even though I could see how others might say that.   I’m not a martyr and I don’t expect any sort of recognition for sticking it out.   It’s like working out or running, minus the satisfaction of getting the results.   But it’s something that I might just have to do.

He’s a child.  I had 35 years so far of a pretty decent life overall.   I had my fun.  Not to say that the end is here as far as that goes, but it is my responsibility.    I made my bed and maybe I have to lie in it.

I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to love her as much as I once did.  I definitely don’t trust her….and as far as I can see, I have no real reason to.   She’s not a horrible person to be around, but given that I don’t want to be in love with anyone anyway, what do I have to lose?  Great sex is good and all, but can I really break his heart over the fact that I won’t be getting as much sex?

She trapped me.   Better yet, I trapped myself by setting this whole scenario up.   I shouldn’t have gotten married, had a family, and promised to keep it.   I didn’t run down all the possible ways this could play out, but as they say, the only 20/20 we’ll get is in hindsight.

I don’t understand how it’s just so easy for other people to just leave their families.

I understand the consequences if I do choose to stay.   That it is very likely that she’ll cheat again, possibly end up leaving, and his heart will be broken anyway.   That I will have wasted this last part of my prime years.   That he’ll never know the sacrifices and pain it took to for me to stay.    And that’s ok.   I’d have it no other way.   He deserves a family.   As broken as it is, it feels like it’s all on me to give him the childhood he deserves.

And that is reward enough for me.



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