Time is quickly winding down until the end of lease date.  From there I’m going to have to determine whether or not to stay married.  Man.  This is so hard.   I really don’t want to disappoint/hurt my son.   He really is clueless as to how bad things got between us.   It also seems that I’m going to have to be the one who pulls the plug.

Never get married folks.

I don’t think that the wife is carrying on any affairs right now or it would seem that she isn’t really entertaining anyone.    At least, she isn’t tethered to her phone all the time and seems to want to spend more time to hang out.

The problem is that I don’t love her like that anymore.  I was wondering if I could fall back in love, but I really don’t want to take the risk.  I don’t really want to fall in love with anyone at this point, so it isn’t really her.     In addition, she wants us to purchase a house that’s outside of an amount I’d be comfortable with (we can’t really afford it), even if we were on good terms.

At one time, I would have just caved in.   In the name of “happy wife, happy life.” I would have tried and done anything just to keep her happy.   Now, not so much.   I’m not even sure if I want to be married…..let alone on the hook for paying for “too much” house.

She wants to vacation, she wants a nice house, we’ll need new cars, and her solution…..well, we can start a home business, get additional part time homes….etc.  Her friends and family co-sign with the idea.

Look, I’m no financial guru, but I know that overspending for your “dream” house sounds like a recipe for disaster.   Due to the fact that we’ve been on bad terms for the last 3+ years due to her affairs and not giving AF about it, we haven’t been saving, budgeting, nor preparing for this.    We’ve been on the fence about staying married, ignoring important conversations about the future (due to her stonewalling and dismissive behavior), and now suddenly she want to buy a house together?

I need to make a decision and stand on it.   I feel hypocritical that I am in violation of my vows for better or for worse.   I used to say that marriage isn’t about how you feel, it’s about making the best of a situation you vowed to do.   You bring the energy to the relationship as opposed to letting it control you.    Yet this is hard.

There is so much water under the bridge.   So little trust.   No sex.   We’re on different pages about pretty much everything when it comes to finances.   It’s just not a good place to be in.

Even if i convinced her to move into a cheaper home, she’d probably end up resenting me for it.   Plus, I really don’t want to be a position of helplessness as she’s proven that my feelings/respect/emotional well being aren’t worth sparing in the name of her happiness.

This short sided decision to buy this house despite me protesting and laying out reasonable, logical arguments is just another reason to cut the cord.   Am i being unreasonable here?   It seems that I”m always in a lose/lose situation when it comes to her.

Stay and be hurt or leave and hurt the kid.    Cheat and lose the high moral ground or get no sex while she cheats with no fucks given.   Violate my vows or sacrifice emotional well being.   All these tough decisions over someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about me like that!!!

Damn.  I always thought that being “unhappy” was not a good reason for divorce.   But maybe i need to rethink this.

Her excuse for cheating was that she was “unhappy” so I figured that it was wrong to destroy our family over that.  At least without trying to fix it.    Maybe that’s why I’ve been struggling with this.   The difference is that she never told me that she was unhappy nor ever gave me any reasons as to why.   To me, it sounds like she just wanted to be with someone else….or either thot around for a while.   While I can’t blame her for how she felt/feels, I can blame her for how she treated me.    I didn’t deserve that.

As for me, I think I have legitimate reasons.   She’s given me plenty.

I mean it isn’t like I suddenly got attracted to someone else and made up excuses as to why I’m unhappy.    It isn’t like I haven’t expressed things I’d like for her to change.   She KNOWs why I’m unhappy and didn’t do a damn thing about it.   It wasn’t even like those things were acceptable behavior towards a person you claim to love and care about.

Betrayal, threatening to take my kid away, and just leaving me destroyed while she fucked other men…..throwing it in my face, despite my tears and pain, and leaving me out to dry….. in spite of never telling me she was unhappy before doing it.   She didn’t worry about how this would affect me or even our kid as long as she was getting her sexual/emotional fix.

She did admit that she felt like she humiliated herself with doing those things her ex affair partner told her to do to me, but even IF that is the case, how could she respect me at this point?  How could she ever have respected me?

There is too much water under the bridge.   At this point, I’ve violated my vows (at least the fidelity part) anyway.    Despite me doing what I felt like I had to do.  And it seems to have helped (at least temporarily) the acute pain I was in…. i think cheating helped me lose the personal attachment which was hurting me so bad.

I know that you shouldn’t point the finger before looking at yourself first.   I have and I know I wasn’t perfect.   But I was always there for the family.    I never violated her and would have done anything to make her happy or at least try.

Yet for some reason, it feels wrong to have to be the one who does this.