Back at it like a crack addict

So on the way out to work this morning, I saw her phone ring and an unfamiliar name popped up on the screen.    It was spelled similarly to one of her female friend’s names, but she never calls that early.  I have seen her name pop up before, so I know that she intentionally spelled it a little different as to hide the person’s true identity.    I should have answered it, but for some reason, I didn’t think of doing it at the time.    I confronted her and asked her to call the number back.   She looked at it and said, “oh, she probably called by accident since she never calls this early.”

“Yeah right, I said.”

“Stop accusing me of stuff.   You’re wrong just like you were yesterday when I had our son’s phone.”

Even though I felt like she might have been right yesterday’s incident.   I said, “this is what I’m talking about.”   “This is gaslighting.”  “This is lying.”   “Just call her back and I won’t mention anything else.”

“No.” she replied and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I was mad, but not fuming.   In fact, I’m not really surprised.    To be honest, I know she’s a cheater and liar.   After a few moments:

“He can have you….”  I said calmly.    “I wish it could wait until we didn’t live together since it feels disrespectful….”  “But to be honest, I don’t want to deal with a liar and cheating assed woman.”  ….”Dunno where you find these guys who are ok with dealing with a married woman….unless you’re lying to him too…. but either way, I can’t really can’t be surprised.”

I’m glad for things like this to remind me that it would be a terrible idea to cosign with a house with her.   It would be disastrous to move back in with her again and be powerless to do anything about her cheating.    It’s hard enough adulting between working so many hours, maintaining the house, taking care of the kid, trying to find some free time to work out, and still trying to figure out where to go from here.   I don’t need a wife who doesn’t mind cheating on me.    The scriptures speak of women like that.

The double mindedness of wanting to save the family at the expense of my own mental/ emotional health is enough to drive someone mad.     I don’t think that women understand that men have emotions too.   Yeah, we are to man up.   But it is difficult to hurt a child who you love.   Sure, she may love kiddo too, but coming from a single parent home, I don’t think she can empathize with him as much.   This gives her a huge advantage.

As it stands, I’m still in the position of not loving her and realizing that our situation may be different than that of my “Old G’s” daughter and son in law situation.   If anything, it makes me realize that I need to go extra hard in making plans for our separation at the end of the lease.

I look forward to that day.  Perhaps I should be looking into primary custody as her work hours will make it difficult to grant me the separation/space to forgive her.  I wouldn’t be surprised (probably still angry nonetheless) if she was already in a new relationship right before or soon after we separate.   It is what it is.    I need to be prepared for that.

Given the simpish nature of men, her looks, and outwardly calm demeanor, I’m pretty sure that a decently intense honeymoon phase will have him missing this critical aspect about her.   If she acts acts similarly towards him, the way she acted towards me in the beginning, she can fool him with her true nature and probably get away with it.     Talk about life being unfair.    But this is where I have to man up and realize that I might not ever get to feel justice in being put in such a traumatic experience.

I realize that we’re not right for each other.    We don’t have anything in common outside of our kid.   Perhaps someone else would be a better fit for her.   Still though, it sucks that someone can get to hurt you and your kid so badly and get away with it.    There is no a law against crimes against the heart.

In truth, I’m no longer trying to build us up anymore.  I’ve stopped a while ago.  I’m trying to maintain this sinking ship, at least until we can make it to port.   She keeps putting holes in it.   I can maintain until then.




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