Throughout the process of going through this period of uncertainty, I let of my coworkers (an older gentleman) know what was going on.  He’s about the same age as my dad and i sort of see him as a elder/mentor of sorts.    I appreciate his insights into life.   He told me that his son in law / daughter was going through the same thing.   His daughter being the cheater in that case.

The son in law’s wife had cheated and was planning on leaving him for another man.   It was another case of where she played the “i’m not happy” card when in truth, she had allowed herself to become smitten with a former fling on facebook.    She cheated on him and from the stories i’ve heard she pretty much disrespected him by going on trips and overnight visits with the guy.   They tried talking to her as concerned parents, but she just dismissed them and continued doing what she was doing.     The son in law and wife were married and has 2 elementary /middle school aged sons.    From my co -workers account, he was blindsided and heartbroken…..just like me.

At the conclusion of the story, it came to found that her affair partner, while still married and in addition to her, also had another girl on the side.   My coworker recently told me that the son in law and his daughter decided to try and work things out.  Things really seem to be going well and they’ve taken quite a few trips and cruises in the past year or so together.

Wow.    Now I don’t know if you call that simping or love.

I really don’t know if i still have the capacity to go after my wife after all of what she did.   Right now, it seems that I could probably go the simping route and plan trips, plan vacations, and do whatever as she’s not as clingy with her phone as of late.  I would assume that her plans with the new guy didn’t fall through.   And as I told her, once her “best friend” got a girlfriend, he wouldn’t be as available as he once was.

She also seems (for now anyway) to be more open about how she feels and more communicative.   At least more so than the past few years.

It has me wondering though….   I know I don’t really love her anymore.   But what am I really willing to do to save my family?   Right now, I want freedom.   It sounds selfish, but I’ve suffered so long and am finally getting to a place within myself that I’m willing to have the conversation and risk hurting the kids.

I really don’t want a serious relationship and I really need to work on myself as a person.  I recognize that I’ve been damaged and probably wouldn’t be any good in a relationship right now.   In fact I don’t believe in them nor real romantic love for that matter.

I’m still accusing her of doing things….like for example, I woke up at at 4:30 am and I see her out of bed texting or doing something her phone.    I tried not to say anything, but was triggered because she used to text/talk to her former AP early before I woke up.

“BUSTED….AGAIN” I said sarcastically to which she replied “WTF are you talking about?”.     Used to being gaslight, I simply replied with “I’m NOT doing this with you.  I’m not stupid.   I’m going back to sleep, keep lying to yourself.”

Thinking it was over,  she replied quite annoyed,

“this is our son’s phone you dickhead, the alarm went off and I went to shut it off.”  and then she throws it over at me…

I shrug my  shoulders “oh my bad”.  and I tried going back to sleep, sort of wondering if she was really telling the truth or not.   Maybe I over reacted.  Maybe I should apologize.  “Will it make me look weak if I do?”….”sorry I mumbled and went back to sleep.”

It also seems like I have to force the conversation with her.   As in, force myself to have a casual conversation with her.   I feel so nervous and insecure around her.  I can’t even really look at her in the face when I’m around.    Like, she saps my confidence or something.   Maybe that says a lot about me as a man, but for some reason, it’s like i can’t think clearly or something around her anymore.   She brings out insecurity or shyness or something that I haven’t felt since i was a kid.

I don’t fear her, I just don’t like her or something. It’s subconscious.  It feels weird to laugh.    I don’t want to laugh with her.  I don’t want be friendly…..just cordial and maybe it’s because I don’t like being fake around people I don’t really feel like that.   She doesn’t have an awful personality or anything, I just don’t like acting like we’re cool and we’re not.

I’ve stated a million times that if it wasn’t for my son, I wouldn’t be there, but maybe I have to accept the fact that since I am, I have to stop allowing her presence to stress me the fuck out.    So weird, but I can actually feel tension and anxiety in my stomach and chest when we’re either on the phone or face to face and my mind goes to shit.  …and she still expects me to carry the weight of the conversation….  Maybe I haven’t forgiven her after all.   One thing for sure, I don’t know how my friend’s son in law did it.

It makes me wonder if I really truly loved her to begin with, is there something wrong with me, or maybe he processed his betrayal differently.    TBH, when we split, I really can’t see us ever going back to try it again.