Addicted to love

I’m struggling here trying to figure out why there is such an intrinsic desire to want to have a woman in my life.   I know that the juice from relationships isn’t worth the squeeze.   I know that falling in love and actually loving someone are two different things.   I definetely believe that being ‘in love’ with someone is similar to a bad drug habit.

Having somewhat liberated myself from that condition, I find myself fighting the urge to want it.   I’d rather have someone in love with me as I choose to love them.   Perhaps I’m damaged, but honestly, I don’t want the feeling of ‘ownership’ that goes along with being in love with someone.

People are people and people make shitty decisions.   There is no such thing as unconditional love in a romantic context.   Or at least, it doesn’t last forever.   I’ve been thinking that perhaps, at least for me anyway, it’s hard to handle it.   I don’t like not being in control of my emotions in that sense.

Here you are, living your life, minding your business and then out of nowhere, boom, you meet someone, vibe, have a great time, have great sex, share intimate moments and the next thing you know, you put expectations on them that they may not be able to live up to.

After being burned by love, you know that honeymoon love is just a phase.   You know that this will most likely end badly with you being devastated by their loss or betrayal.   You know that way more often than not, it just won’t work.   Yet and still, something, in you desire those good feelings.   Even if you know it’s artificial and fleeting.

I think I am a love addict.   I love making love to and making a woman feel good.   I love to care for her and help her ‘heal’ her past wounds.   I want to be the guy who can show her that not all men are selfish, narcisistic bastards out for only one thing.   Yet I know that this  part of me has to die.   It’s not attractive and it will be the cause of the downfall of the relationship.   I can’t hide not caring but for so long.

In short, I guess that I  am, as they call it, a nice guy.   A beta male when it comes to this dating thing.  A poser who uses red pill knowledge to hide the fact that I do indeed like romance and intimacy.

It’s truly not my nature to be a cold player.   Yet for some reason, it’s what they like.   I’ll always be at a disadvantage in the love game.  My redpill knowledge is the only thing that keeps me from jumping off the cliff of giving my heart over to someone again.  It saved my life and is effective in getting and maintaining attraction.  It helps me manage my expectations to realize that she’s never mine, it’s just my turn.   I can’t understate how much I wish I had this knowledge before.

Bliss is being drunk off of  ignorance.  Fun times tonight, but helluva hangover the next day.  Drugs are fun until it’s time to quit.  Rahab ain’t no joke from what I hear.

The dark side of me requires trust and fidelity.   I can’t expect that nor be surprised if I don’t get it.   Especially given that I don’t have what it takes to get it long term.   So in essence, whenever I involve myself in situationships, I am playing with fire.

I don’t know why I care or require this.   This is why I must have more than one woman at a time.   Hopefully it can curb this desire and tendency that I have to get ‘one itis’ with someone I deal with for too long.  How do I learn to overcome that desire to be honest and real about not trusting her without sounding bitter or scorned.   Why must I hold myself to a higher standard morally than I hold her.   How can I overcame that.    Until that happens, I must keep fighting the good fight as I realize that she’s never mine, it’s just my turn.

As of now, I don’t have time to deal with more than one at a time.   I either need to make time, which is stupid, as I should be out making money and securing my future.   Or let it all go for now.

In reality, I’m like a junkie who got clean.  I have to treat this condition as someone was and still is an addict.  And avoid being in situations where there is the opportunity to relapse.




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