What’s missing

There is something quite special about holding a woman in your arms and feeling…. At least for that moment….That you mean something to her…. The ability to lose yourself while making love and the feeling of satisfaction when giving her pleasure is amazing.   It’s a mix of ego based pleasure mixed with a bit of vulnerability that feels good to the spirit.

I can see why young people fall so hard.   It’s a high like no other.   Yet, the mind sobering reality is that, no matter how good you think you are, there was and probably always will be someone better.   No matter how good or pleasurable it was, it was…

Just a fleeting moment.   A vacation of sorts.

Honeymoon phased love near the top of anything you can experience in life.  It’s a powerful drug.  It inspires creativity, it gives you hope, it makes life feel….worth it.   But the sobering truth is that it doesn’t last forever.   We often hold on to bad or even toxic relationships just to feel that spark of energy.

Should we indulge and cheat on an S/O with someone and catch that “in love” bug, it brings out the worst in us.  We’ll lie, abuse, and go back on our promises just for another taste.  We unrightfully judge our s/o.   We do things we absolutely abhor in others.

It’s really hard to know this and stay angry at my wife.   She probably thought the honeymoon phase was going to last forever between us.   I didn’t anticipate it falling off the way that it did if I’m honest.    Looking back, we should have both relied on better communication instead of thinking that “love” was enough.  So instead of looking upon her with contempt.  If the love I  had for her was ever true, I have to forgive her.   (Staying with her/trusting her again is an entirely different thing.)  There is a level of self reflection necessary that she doesn’t seem to possess to make that a tenable bet.  So while I can love a typical unreflective woman, I have to learn to love at a distance.  Not ideal in the context of a marriage….for me at least.

In the case of being single, we’ll stick with someone we know isn’t good for us.  We’ll overlook red flags.   And if we fully undulge, we’ll give our hearts and souls to a person who we barely even know.   The ‘love’ we feel in that moment sometimes makes us indulge in thoughts of (and ocassionally act) upon making a love child.   We make stupid promises….And we justify it by saying that it’s for love…at least in the moment.

How many out of wedlock kids or even marriages were made during this phase of relationships.   It has often bothered me how two people could love each other so much in the beginning and end up hating/hurting each other a few years later.

Though I am fully aware of the powerful effects of this drug, I can somewhat be affected by it.    I knew that ultimately, I’d have to stop dealing with my lover some day. I’m not into long term relationship promises.   Been there, done that.   I know that initial attraction and chemistry severely clouds our judgement.  We all think that what we have is ‘special’ enough to overcome life.

But in real life, that ‘high’ in the beginning bites you like a wicked hangover in the morning.    I’m somewhat hungover.  It sucks, but oddly enough, it’s also helpful in helping me get through the difficulty in my current situation.   I don’t focus on it nearly as much.  The bullshit doesn’t really hit as acutely as before.    Everything for a reason I suppose.

But i still have to wonder….why I still crave “love”?   Why do I feel the need or desire to replace what I missed with my lover?   Sex is great and all, but TBH, I could handle it myself….if you know what i mean.   What is with the need for validation from the opposite sex?

If relationships aren’t worth the effort.  They bring too many complications and the “love” most likely isn’t real or won’t last.  I could do without them.  There’s always the likliehood of things going sideways.    Then why do I still hope to find that ‘right’ woman for me?   When I know that there is no “right” one anyway.

Why is the urge to have sex so damned important?   I’m by nature a loner.  I barely communicate with people outside of my circle.   And those who are in it, might get a call once or twice a week.  Yet and still, I’m missing her.  Not acutely.  This isn’t a wicked hangover.  But is enough that I wish I hadn’t had that last drink.  Actually naah, it was totally worth it.

Even as I go out today, there is still a part of me searching/scanning for a woman.  Almost each decent one has the potential to be “the one.”   But in reality, I know it doesn’t exist.  The idea of going MGTOW monk is appealing in so many ways, but for some reason, I can’t see myself choosing not to deal with a woman I’m interested in if I’m attracted to her.

Maybe I don’t love myself enough.   Maybe their validation somehow makes me feel better as a person.   The reality is that I don’t need this shit.  I think I’ll just focus on me for now.  At least until I can figure this out….

Or maybe, with time, and experiencing honeymoon love enough, I can get over it hangover free like how I’m pretty much consumed enough alcohol to no longer feel the effects the next day.







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