Breaking the Curse

I promise you that falling in love feels like a curse.   An evil, wicked, sinister curse.   It sort of reminds me of those heroin or alcohol addict stories where quitting cold turkey is a soul shaking, life threatening,  horrible experience.

People who do drugs often know they are doing bad, but either justify, ignore, or just give up on themselves.   People in toxic relationships often do the same things and it’s only until the person who abuses them leaves that they can finally begin to recover.   Depending on the situation, they can often come back and cause a relapse.

Heartbreak can last a long time….years I’ve heard.   It changes you as a person.  I don’t think you can ever love like that again.   That’s possibly a good thing.   Nothing that’s that good for you should feel so bad when you have to go without it.

Withdrawals feel like shit.   Even though you know that person is no (longer) good for you, you may not even like them that much anymore, yet it’s like a part of you is missing.  Something wants you to inject that needle in your arm again even though you know that it almost destroyed your life.   At least in the beginning.  You hope and wish for that person back on a weird level even though you know deep down that things can never be the same.

It’s a journey man.  I tell you.  Having to deal with that person through co-parenting somewhat causes the wound to take longer to heal.   It’s harder knowing that they have no clue how much it hurt you….they don’t care.   They’re over it.   Checked out.  Yet knowing that, there is still a part of you, deep down that still hurts.  Late life abandonment issues?

I’m at a point with my wife that I don’t care if she ever has to feel this pain.  I just don’t want to feel it anymore.   I’m moving on for sure, but at the same time, I still feel insignificant, maybe a bit hurt that she doesn’t give a fuck.   I know she isn’t good for me.  Not just for what she did or how she did it.   But we’re fundamentally different.   Our outlooks on life, the way we interpret the world, and the things we like and dislike are so different now.   We barely have anything in common.  The chemistry is so off that I don’t know how we ever got together in the first place.

Yet, I find myself getting angry at her.  For putting me through this, us through this, and being so indifferent about it.   I know that I can’t expect much, she checked out, and while I know it, I still get anxiety over it.  Maybe it wasn’t her intention when we started, but it’s where we are now.

Perhaps it’s like a recovering addict realizing how much he fucked up due to his addiction to the drug.   I’d imagine they’d have a healthy fear and possibly some hatred for it once he’s recovered.    I can’t just walk around hating people though.   She’s my son’s mother and i won’t allow it to get to that point.   I have to love her (even if i don’t really like her), just at a distance.  Finding that distance is the tricky part.

I can’t be mad at her because of how it affected me.   It’s like a crack addict being mad at crack.    I can’t be mad at myself because I truly didn’t know that you can’t give a woman your all.  I learned this lesson the hard way.     I just have to find the space to heal and not let my ego get the best of me now.

Who knows, maybe in another instance, I could have been her.  But, It’s hard not to judge when you feel like the one who was wronged.

Sure, we’re still married, but if she cheats, so be it.   Until I figure out how to get out of this situation that I put myself back into, it’s all on me.    Noone is going to rescue me.  I have to save myself.

I tell myself that she’s disrespecting me if she goes out and cheat.   I have to stop doing that.   It isn’t like I dont’ know who I’m dealing with now.    Besides, at this point, I’ve taken the low road myself.    It takes two to make a marriage work,  one (with the help of God himself) may be able to recover it.   But if neither is working, then it is impossible.

We’re wasting each other’s time.   Going with the motions.   I don’t love her enough to want to save it.    My pride and ego just won’t let me overlook the bad.   The pain and fear that comes along with hope is too much for me right now.   She’s not happy here, but like me, neither will get the ball rolling on this.   There is too much emotion involved when it comes to kiddo.   So much work to have to get lawyers and courts involved.

I know her, she likes to procrastinate until the last minute.  I do too.   But i don’t have the luxury of just waiting this out.   My emotional well being is at stake.  I’m already so jaded on love and relationships in general.   I don’t know if this is normal.

Melodramatic, for sure.   But it shows how falling in love that deep can’t be a good thing.   Her betrayal wouldn’t have affected me so deeply if I didn’t love her so much.   Perhaps I could have more easily forgiven if she hadn’t been so close to my heart.

This thing I had….being in love.   Wasn’t love at all.  Couldn’t have been.   If so count me out.    I was enchanted.   I was in a spell.  Possessed.   That’s too much pressure to put on anyone.      I’ve awakened.    Now to get this ego thing aside, figure out how to get out, and move on with my life.

 

 

 

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