I know you’re supposed to always take the ‘high’ road when dealing with people who screw you over.   But never in a million years did I expect to feel guilt over cheating.   All of a sudden, it appears that my wife is actually showing signs of being remorseful.   This whole time (as far as I can tell), she never suspected that I was seeing someone else.

How she couldn’t expect it…..is beyond me.  I mean we haven’t had sex in almost a year.   She rejected me (or took a “rain check”) every time i tried, so I pretty much gave up.  After cheating and the affair, and still telling me she’s on the fence about whether she wants to stay married.  I assumed it was over for her.  She never mentioned or said anything, so I assume she doesn’t suspect a thing.   She’s starting to open up more and talk about what happened.  How she feels bad that she hurt me so bad and how I didn’t deserve that.   She even seems to finally understand the gravity of the betrayal.  I also think things have ‘cooled’ off with her male ‘friend’ (at least for now).  It would appear that she understands that not having boundaries of outside friends can affect the marriage.

Even though sex isn’t on the table, she does seem to acknowledge that she knows it isn’t right.   A few months ago, I asked how she would feel if I had sex with someone else, she said, “As long as I didn’t find out about it….”    I asked again a week or two ago and she now says….”I wouldn’t want you to.”.  She also started to show me a little affection, like hugs, and she even kissed me on the back of my neck once while playing the game.

I’m on the fence about how deeply my lover really loves me.   I think she likes me.  I think she likes the sexual connection that we have.   I think she likes to entertain the possibility of someday hooking up.   But I also think that I’m a stand in guy until she finds someone better suited for her (or maybe that’s that unworthy demon creeping up in me again).   I also think she’s on the fence about whether she will find that person or not.   She’s a bit jaded, but hopeful it seems when it comes to love.  Obviously we have that in common also.

I do believe that if I were to pursue relationship status harder, she would consider it….if i were to leave my wife.   I could make her promises that I’m not sure I could keep to give her a deeper sense of security.    I was honest about the way I felt about my wife.   I was pretty sure it was over with her, but we were both unsure on how to move forward given our son.  I never anticipated that she would come back around.  And while I know that this could be a temporary thing,  I’m still on the fence about whether I can trust her or not.

I have a sense of guilt because I did badger her about the stuff she did, but now, here I am doing the same thing.   Fortunately, I don’t to have to lie and gaslight as she hasn’t questioned me as of yet.

The ‘rightest’ thing to do would be to let my lover go, forgive my wife, take a chance, and while this sliver of opportunity is here, see if we can fix things.   It’s never been about me or me wanting her, but our family….if that makes sense.

The second place would be to divorce and try to fix the broken pieces.

Later, I could try to see if me and my lover could actually work things out.    The thing is that I’m not sure if she really love me like that or if I’m ready to willfully give  my heart to anyone.   Once bitten, twice shy they say….I agree.

Or I could just wait it out.

I mean she fucked up….royally.  That level of fuckeduptedness is surely a character flaw.    I mean, at that level, how can really trust that she won’t do it again.  Plus, she already  acknowledged that the shit she did was fucked up as she was doing it.  Who’s to say that she won’t go back to “I don’t give a fuck”  mode as soon as someone sparks her interest.

Her acting right finally would require that I tell my lover.   If i wanted to maintain some sense of morality.   If i tell her, then she’d probably want to end things as I’m sure she’s considered it since I am after all, still married.   I’m sure she has closed off some access to her heart (as I would too) because of the possibility.

I really don’t think that ‘acting’ right in this short term is enough to warrant trust though.    Definitely not in the scope of getting emotionally reinvested.

Coming clean in light of the recent revelations with both parties is a close 3rd option.   Obviously the fallout wouldn’t be fun.    I could risk closing off my wife and losing my lover in the process.   I would be stuck in the house, once again, feeling disrespected AND have no outlet to escape.

Or maybe they’d both understand and decide to meet each other and have a 3 some over wine and dinner.  We’d love it so much that we’d just be one big happy family.   A man can fantasize …right?

In reality, I have to acknowledge the fact that being on the fence for so long (while honest) isn’t the mindset you can have while in a marriage.    The questions are, does she really see the value in it.   Is it a temporary thing.   Could my lover ever really love me (post honeymoon phase)?   Do i really want to be in a serious relationship to begin with?  Am i ready?

Why can’t this shit ever be simple.