I spoke to my sister this weekend and she kindly advised me that I have become toxic when it comes to women. She said that I shouldn’t allow my marriage experience to paint an entire group of women. And that one of her best male friends (friendzoned) says that he used to also have a negative view of women. She advised that I talk to him about it.
It’s not that I’m bitter, it’s just that now I understand the nature. Just like any brand new convert, I’m trying to spread the gospel. I went through the red pill rage and now I’m out on the other side. I just accept their nature for what it is. The bottom line is that attraction (not just physical) is love for them…. and most are about as powerless to resist it as most men are to resist nsa pussy from a decent looking or better woman.
But maybe it’s not what i think. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe the fact is, my wife just wasn’t right for me. Perhaps all of this is a manifestation of trying to fit two people together who simply don’t belong. I needed to know my worth.
I’m not ready to accept the fact that all women are like her. Sure, she’s cool on a certain level. But having an affair for whatever damn reason she’s not telling me or doesn’t know, betrayal and humiliation for the sake of sexual gratification for the affair partner, and general emotional abuse can’t be the norm. The lack of boundaries and respect for the marriage, stonewalling, and lack of respect for a person who never did her wrong (at least i wasn’t told of anything) can’t be how all women operate.
If anything, she would have told me what was wrong, divorced me, or at the very least drew the line at disrespect during the affair. A decent person would have seen the value of our family, valued me as a present father and dad to our child, and acknowledged that (even though she may have fallen out of love), that I didn’t deserve to be humiliated and made fun of by him. You’d think that she would have seen this as a huge red flag to stop messing with him immediately. If not to get back with me, but for her own sake. For the fact that he disrespected her son’s father and a person who was good to her.
The fact that she was willing and capable of going so low makes me realize that something isn’t right with her. I could never see myself going that low with someone who I knew treated me well….loved, cherished and respected me. Even if I fell out of love with her. I’d still have enough love for her that I couldn’t shit on her like that….especially given that I would be dead wrong for having an affair in the first place, hurting her so deeply, and not giving her the chance to address any issues that I might have had with her in order to keep our son from experiencing the pain of divorcing parents.
I have to admit that I just chose the wrong partner. It’s unfair to take the blame out on all women for my mistake. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself either because if I’m honest, despite being hurt to the core, I reacted the best way I knew how.
I did a pretty decent job of stating my boundaries, kept a cooler head in the face of disrespect as not to create toxic memories for our son, and kept the lines of communication open. I didn’t physically put my hands on her despite the blatant disrespect and repeated warnings to stop it. I didn’t kill the dude after finding out about how he directed her to do things/ and not do things to me for him. How they laughed about it later….. thank God he doesn’t live nearby.
And to be honest, I know i would have left her a long time ago, but I hung in there for the sake of not wanting to hurt kiddo.
It took all of that to say that I was in denial about the type of person she is. But she is who she is and I cannot hate her for it. But i can’t stay with her. She still hasn’t changed. She sees no reason to and I can’t make her. She’s still selfish. We both know what she put me through and despite that, she still keeps the lock on her cell phone. And also given that sex and intimacy is off the table, there is really no reason to put myself through all of this.
My expectations of her are so low that I can and should not be in a relationship with her. Let alone a marriage.
I’m not sure if she’s dealing with anyone right now or not, but the fact that she was able to stoop so low makes me realize that it’s in her to do such things. I can’t compete. She’ll always have the ‘upper hand’ as she’s willing to go places that I can’t. The fact that she could still feel entitled to that degree of privacy, have the audacity to say that she’s on the fence about fixing things, and still be more focused on what she wants regardless of how it affects me, lets me know that she hasn’t changed much.
I’ve painted this picture of her to say that all women can’t be that bad. I’m sure that many are. But it’s stupid to lump them all into the same category. What works for some, won’t work for others. The best thing to do is be myself and see where it goes from there.
The red pill has helped me learn a lot about what to look for in women. It helped shaped and put into perspective other things that would help me find a quality person when I’m ready. I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love as deeply again, but I don’t desire to either. For now I have to lay off all of this toxic/evil woman stereotypes and continue in the process of healing.
Willfully showing love is greater than feeling in love all day every day in my book. You retain your power to walk away and can maintain a sense of dignity without desperation should things go left.
Perhaps this gift is the best thing I can give my wife. I have to love myself enough to walk away, divorce her so that I won’t feel disrespected when she does go back to her regular ways, and accept that she is who she is. Just not right for me.