WTF man!!!

About 4 years after the affair, the wife is starting to show signs that she wants to try and work on things.

Really!!? After I’ve finally embraced the idea of being single and somewhat benefiting off the fact.

I’m at the point where I really don’t want a relationship with anyone….at least in title.   I prefer the setup of fwb with no strings.   Sure, there is a connection, but at least if she decides to exercise her right, it won’t feel as disrespectful.

It’s weird because while I’m not sure if my friend is faithful in her fidelity, I believe her even though I know it could change any day.   Yeah, I’d probably be a little hurt.   Hopefully just a little.

I also felt justified in stepping out on my wife given the affair, subsequent betrayals, lack of transparency after the affair, being on the fence about whether she wanted to stay together,  lack of sex, and lack of boundaries around her male ‘friend’ she slept with earlier in our marriage.

I get it.  I know that two wrongs don’t make a right, but I was losing my freaking mind and my lover helped me regain a sense of esteem.  She acted as a counselor of sorts.    The sex also happened to be incredible.   She also submitted in a way that my wife never did….insofar as being more of a giver.   She helped me heal in a way that I’ll always appreciate.   Despite this, I know that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.

She also has a few red flags, but given I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, those things aren’t really relevant.

I honestly never thought we would have still been kicking it for this long.   I figured it was a one or two time thing, but time flies when you’re having fun.   I’m thinking that the main reason for this is the fact that we both knew it could end any time so we didn’t put any expectations on one another.

That said, I’ve always felt a sense of duty to my family.   More specifically, my son.  The wife and are still together primarily because we didn’t want to hurt him.   That’s true for both of us.

Now the wife is showing interest again….even offering sex.  She wants another child.   She’s not tethered to the phone as she once was.  If i glance over at her while she’s texting, she’ll offer to show me what she’s looking at.  She doesn’t hold the phone at weird angles when I’m around.   I don’t have suspicions anything is going on anymore.   She seems more open and engaged in a way that she hasn’t been in years.

It’s what i would have hoped for about a year ago.   After the ‘end’? of her affair. Before I met my lover.   Before I undertook the arduous task of emotionally disconnecting from her.

While I can look back and say that I forgive her.   I don’t know if I can trust that if someone else comes into the picture that she won’t act upon the temptation.   Obviously counseling is needed.   But as it stands now, she seems to be open to working on things and trying to fix them.  Maybe it’s due to the fact that she can feel me finally pulling away.  Maybe it’s because noone else is on her radar right now.   Or maybe she finally sees value in having a family.  I can’t be sure.

If I’m honest, I don’t know if I really want sex with her.   Unfortunately, I think it’s in part due to the fact that I’d feel obligated to tell my lover.   While I’m not sure that she would tell me (even though she promised she would) if she did, I do like the fact that she seems pretty transparent.  There is peace in my gut when I think of the possibility….even though my heart tells me that it’s possible that she’s lying.    This is probably due to the fact that I don’t lay claim to her as her man.   Even though we don’t owe each other anything, I don’t want to hurt her as she’s shown me a lot of love over the last year.  I don’t want to lie to her as that would be a douchey thing to do.   Sometimes I wonder if I’m really “man”  or “alpha” enough for relationships insofar as I consider women’s feelings too much.

It sounds good on paper, but in reality, considering them too much seems to cause them to gain trust but lose attraction.

The other part is that I’m hesitant to emotionally re engage with the wife due to the lack of trust.   How can the sex even be good if I’m not passionate about her?   I know it sounds lame, but it would be hard to give up passionate lovemaking for just sex.   Then again, that only lasts for a season or two.

So as it stands, I don’t think I’m ready for a full blown relationship with a woman period…   I don’t trust that they won’t cheat.   I won’t give them the opportunity to do so by claiming relationship status.  While it might be hurt, at least I won’t feel disrespected.

At the moment, both of them make way more money than me so I can’t provide a lifestyle change that would make them think twice about not doing it.   If  I was rich right now, I’d probably just have both.  I’d be Akon status having multiple wives.

I know it’s a fucked up thought, but if i do have sex with the wife, tell her about it, and it hurts her, but she still stays, it would show me that she truly does love me.   Well at least convince me more.  Especially given that the money hasn’t manifested yet.

TBH, i really don’t want to hurt her.   Even if she is doing her thing out there, she doesn’t owe me fidelity.   Plus, she’s shown me so much love that it would be hard to see her in pain that I caused.   It would hurt to lose her, but hurt more to know that I hurt her.

I wish i could have them both and take care of them both.   One for my son’s sake and the other for her sake.   I’m not sure if my wife really loves me like that or would really care to see me leave.  At the very least, I wish I could compensate my lover in a more tangible way.   She really deserves it in my opinion.

When I was younger, before I met my wife, I never wanted marriage.  I told myself that I’d have two or three cool baby mamas.   When I got married I started thinking that was rediculous.

I love women, but I just don’t trust them.    I’m back at 360.

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s