This post won’t apply to all people. Hopefully it will resonate with someone who struggles with self esteem issues.
It never occurred to me that I had low self esteem, especially when it comes to relationships. I always wondered why the girls who were in to me were into me. I felt as if they could probably do better if they wanted to. From my perspective there are always guys who are funnier, better looking, or made more money. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m unfunnier, uglier, nor broker than the average person. I just considered myself average overall.
For that reason, I felt unworthy of her. As if she deserved someone better simply because I assumed that she could have someone better. Part of the approach anxiety came from the idea that she either already has someone better or has been approached by someone more charming, funny, or clever.
In short, if I got her, I ended up putting her on a pedestal. I felt lucky to have her. As if she were doing me a favor by being with me. That made me want to treat her as well as I could to keep her. As if she blessed me with something I was not worthy of having. So I put her on a pedestal grateful that she gave me a chance.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that simple. I wouldn’t accept outright bad behavior or disrespect. To be honest, I never had to experience that (except the time I got stuck in a marriage). But I put her first as in I would try to understand where she is coming from out of love. I would allow for character flaws not considering how it would impact me. The idea that she would have me was enough to make me feel that she loved me. I fell for my wife due to the idea I felt that her acceptance of me being different was the reason she loved me.
The dynamic of the relationship revolved around me trying to keep her happy. Personal pride does keep me from acting too needy or acting desperate to be with her. But i think that I’ve been able to keep the balance of not showing too much interest while at the same time letting her know that I was.
Deep down though, I felt as if the sense of unworthiness kept me from truly being myself. I’m somewhat introverted and I believe that the ideal example of a worthy man is a gregarious, outgoing, funny, tough on the outside but sensitive on the inside, outspoken guy who always has the right thing to say.
This guy is full of charisma, confidence, and swag. I believe that money and looks are secondary. In fact, leading with those things lead to beta male behavior. I’m a pretty decent looking guy, but I often had the fear that once they got past the looks, they wouldn’t really like me for who I am.
It seems obvious to me that personality is more attractive than character when it comes to women. Guys who have the characteristics aforementioned seem to do well with women regardless of how much money they have or how they look. In fact, it seems that women are powerless to do anything to resist those types of guys. They would rather be his side chick, have his children, cheat on their provider husband, or even fight for their relationship as he cheats/beats on her.
How else could you explain how certain men have multiple baby mothers and women fighting over them while being lazy, obvious cheaters, deadbeat fathers, immoral/amoral, basic (as in following what’s trendy), irresponsible, and overall terrible human beings. At the same time, there are many single men out here who work, look decent, have resources, have good character, and yet she’ll choose the former over the latter as long as he possesses charisma.
It’s not uncommon today to hear about men who sit at home all day playing video games, smoking weed, hanging out with the homies, while borrowing their girl’s car to make moves during the day. All the while expecting her to come home after working all day to cook and clean.
In this day in age, the worst trait a man can possess isn’t being a bum or lazy or a cheater. It’s having a boring personality. A guy could be stand up in pretty much all other areas in life. He could be a great provider, ambitious, treat her like a queen, be fair, not cheat, have great moral character, but she will choose charming charlie over decent dan all day.
People like what they like, but I wonder why so many women give bummy men with charisma and swag so many chances, but yet won’t give a decent guy without it a single one. You would think that they’d lump them all in the same heap together as far as relationships go.
Yet they fall for them, hard, head over heels. Despite hearing stories from their girlfriends, watching the movies, being warned, and often times personally experiencing it already. You’d think that being charismatically attractive would be a huge red flag.
It would be like if men constantly fell in love with good looking strippers, prostitutes, or women with a reputation for cheating and expecting her to change for him. The saying “don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved” has been burned into our collective psyche’s as men. Women don’t have this and will often try to ‘save’ these type of men only to drown themselves.
You’d think that women would be more aware of this in men since they are usually on the hook for having to keep a baby should one be born. Why would you fall in love with an immoral/amoral person who you know you can’t have, but be forever tied to them because of a child.
Common sense would dictate that if a woman is able to get many men to fall for her, then obviously she has a way of making them feel that way. She probably said/did the same things she tells/did for them to me. I’m not really special even though I might like her or the way she (fucks, talks, acts….etc.), i would be foolish to fall in love with her. In fact, she’s dangerous and I’d probably just cut her off.
But perhaps this is where that whole unworthy feeling can protect me. I’d think she was jut running game due to some unfulfilled need or temporary desire she has for me. As soon as something better came along, I feel that she’d be out. In the case of a serial cheater, I’d know she had no qualms about cheating. I mean dude probably didn’t fall in love with her for no reason other than she misrepresented herself or intentions to him.
No matter how things feel at the time nor what they say, I know that some people are just intelligent and magnetic. Personally for me, character speaks louder. Past actions are based on character and while people can change, most of the time, they don’t. If I know she has a questionable reputation, no matter how much chemistry we seem to have, i have to give pause to the fact that she probably has it with others as well.
Either way, I just wanted to post about the feeling of worthiness and being good enough for her should be your base assumption from here on out. In reality, you probably are. There is no such thing as out of your league. It doesn’t matter if she wants you back or not, it doesn’t say that you aren’t worthy. If she does reject you, don’t take it personally. It doesn’t address the reality of your worth.
The question should be then, is she worthy of you. Substance over style my friend when it comes to your heart. Just keep that in mind. You are worth having a woman who knows it, anyone who can’t see it isn’t really worthy of your time.