Doing what I gotta do

I think I’ve been staying in this marriage out of convenience and the fear of hurting our kid. It’s not easy divorcing. The splitting of finances, hurting kiddo, the logistics of finding a new place, finding a lawyer, and that faint glimmer of hope that opens up every now and then all make this feel like an unsurmountable task.

I’m not sure if I love her or not anymore. Apparently not enough to actually put up more of a fight. I just can’t get past my pride and allow her to lie, mistreat, and mentally abuse me while emotionally investing. It took me a lot of work to get to this point of emotional detachment and I can’t afford to go back to where I was.

She’s done and I don’t have to confidence to believe that she really isn’t. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t love me despite what she says on occasion. I fear getting back to the place of emotional attachment where she or anyone for that matter can hurt me like that again.

Especially considering that she hasn’t done anything to try to prove to me that she’s sorry enough to change her secretive ways. Despite agreeing that I’m pretty much right that she’s not helping with her behavior. And admitting that she doesn’t tell me the truth about her indescretions because “she doesn’t want to hurt me.” She doesn’t/hasn’t done anything to try to improve things.

The insistance on secrecy and keeping her male friend proves that she isn’t really interested in making things work. She doesn’t feel guilt, nor remorse. She claims to with her words, but not with her actions. I think I could have tried to make it work, but I just cannot emotionally invest more than I already am. Not without her truly showing through her actions that she is willing to work at it.

It’s easy for her to sweep it under the rug. She’s not feeling hurt nor disrespected by me. She has the luxury of taking her time. Deep conversations are a moot point as she doesn’t have to really think about it. At least not until someone puts pressure on her to leave. Ultimately, if some guy decides to get serious about her, she most likely will. I don’t think I can fight it, I just don’t have it in me to do so. Not for her. She’s hurt, damaged, abused, ignored, and pushed me to this point. Yet I’m not doing anything constructive about it. I’m just taking it.

I think she trusts me, even though I am cheating myself. I feel somewhat justified as she doesn’t give me intimacy nor sex despite wanting it sometimes. She never questions me. I don’t know if she just trusts me like that or really doesn’t care. I mean can she really believe taht I’m not getting it from someone?

Either way, this is no way to live. Adultery is wrong and I have stooped to her level. Though I don’t feel guilt over it, I know it’s not right to drag the other woman through this. Though I do get a little jealous over her at times, I know that I can’t truly hold her accountable. I don’t expect much, but I’ll still talk my shit if necessary. As much as I’d hate to lose her, I think I could walk away.

I don’t want to fall in love ever again. I don’t like not being in control of my emotions. How ironic is it that we as humans desire the very thing that can destroy us? I know she cannot love me for putting me though this. But still how can I just let it go when I know I’m not staying for me, it’s for a bigger cause. I hate this ‘me first’ society where personal happiness is the end all be all of everything. Yet, I cannot take this mental abuse for much longer.

It was a bad idea moving back in with her. I’m back in this position of powerlessness to do anything while she continues with her “quest for happiness.” at my expense. Our lives are so intertwined financially and with the kid that it seems impossible to get the space that I need to just get over her.

It seems so unfair to him and to me for that matter. Before dealing with her affairs and disrespect, I never cheated, I considered her. I made time for her. I treated her well. It’s frustrating because she can’t/won’t identify anything I did wrong to warrant this behavior from her. It’s as if she’s ok with being wicked, lying, abusing me, and being the primary cause of all of this. She won’t even defend herself with anything other than ‘she’s unhappy.’ Never even giving a reason why. She won’t take accountability for her actions. She won’t even make any real excuses.

Her advice is that if I didn’t snoop, then I wouldn’t be hurt. This is not what you want to hear from your s/o. And while she might be right, how can I invest in someone who has already betrayed me without reasonably knowing what’s going on?

How can I ever trust someone like that. Someone so willing to hurt someone else for her own selfish gain. Someone who doesn’t feel guilt or remorse for treating someone badly, destroying her family, just because she’s infatuated with ‘new penis’.

It’s truly a deal breaker. Yet here I am, sitting in this low position, of wanting to make it work for our family’s sake. I hate how it emasculates me. I hate how it makes me feel stupid. I hate how I allow myself to stoop to her level despite it being one of the only things i do to help me maintain my sense of self worth.

I have to come up with a plan. And all of them pretty much suck. The best case scenario is jumping out ahead of this. I have to leave, at least for a while and pray that my son can get past this. I have to take the financial loss and accept the destruction of my home and family. It feels that I’m being punished for wanting to keep my family. In a way, it seems hypocritical to forsake my promises, responsiblities, and vows (ok, i fucked up on the sexual part, but still) for my own chance at happiness. It’s exactly what she’s doing. Perhaps our methods differ, but at the end of the day, I’m not hurting her. Our kid gets to suffer though.

I need the space to forgive her for taking my home away. For forcing me to hurt someone I truly love. For putting her wants above his needs. For forcing me to endure the mental abuse and emotional turmoil for years because of her apathy. For truly hurting me for doing what we can both agree was the right thing. For all the lies, betrayal, disrespect, and loss of self respect. For what? Some vague notion of ‘happiness’ she’s out there chasing. As if trying to find it without hurting and abusing the people who loved and depended on her the most wasn’t at least worth trying. The hardest part is her being so damn apathetic about it, yet being able to walk away as if it’s just some trivial thing that happened.

The potential happiness that comes with marriage and family is not worth the risk. It’s not easy and people switch up all the time. It only takes one person to realize they are unhappy and it gets fucked up for everyone involved. When a spouse becomes an asshole, they either don’t realize it or don’t care anymore. Everyone then suffers and they walk away scott free. I hate this man.

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