In true asshole fashion, I got fucked up last night and said something that I totally regret.
I’m feeling shitty about it because she didnt deserve that.
I dont know why I’m like that. Hopefully she can forgive me…again.
I find myself apologizing to her a lot. I never thought of myself as a toxic person. Bitter, yeah maybe since going through all of this bullshit with my wife. Perhaps the anger and frustration is affecting that relationship more than I realize. She’s been no less than amazing to me and yet I’ve brought so much toxicity to her based on my fear and insecurities.
I should probably just leave her alone as I’m always apologizing for saying mean things. That’s if she decides to even deal with me again.
I learned a valuable lesson. I’m no saint, but I hate to hurt people who care about me. I guess I’m not immuned to causing hurt to people who love me.
The redpill side of me says to just hurt her, she’ll get more attracted if I do. Dunno why, but women seem to like being hurt by assholes as long as they have some attraction. As long as I maintain the frame of being able to walk away or not really caring if she does, then all should be well.
Besides, it is her nature to be sneaky and she probably would end up cheating or leaving if I don’t do something fucked up sometimes. It almost feels like I have to be an asshole sometimes to keep her interested. It’s like those emotional spikes are necessary to make them stick around. The absolute worst thing I could do is bore her by being, you know, consistent and stable.
Rules of the game dictate that the worst thing to do would be to apologize. But to be honest, I don’t want to play the game with her. I probably fucked up by sending her a long text apology. It’s like confirming that I fucked up where at least if I didn’t there is a shadow of doubt. I probably should have just ignored it and acted like nothing happened.
I gotta get past all these emotional feelings man. I gotta stop trying to be so damn self righteous. I fucked up. It’s not like she even asked for one. But if I lose her, then I’m ok with that.
Overthinking things as usual.