Ouch

Despite feeling like my wife probably isn’t the best woman for me.   Realizing that it’s not fair to make her stay where she doesn’t want.  Understanding that women’s nature these days is to do and be whatever the hell it is they’re trying to be regardless of how it affects others.

Even though I know this happens to men all the time.   That my son might be ok as long as I do my best to support him.   I know that life isn’t always fair.   I know that way worse things happen to way better people.

I know that eventually, I’ll get through this.  I imagine that I’ll be relieved once it’s all said and done.  I believe I’ll look back and be glad I made it though.  I know this.

I don’t know why in the hell i’m still getting random anxiety attacks whenever I think about it.   How is it that I can intellectualize these things.  Understand them, and yet still  feel so shitty on the inside?

How can I not really want her back, not like her as relationship material.  Be so damn unhappy about my current situation.   See the lies, the games, have such low expectations on her, accept the fact that she isn’t the woman I needed her to be.   I accept that maybe I didn’t treat her bad enough.   It’s my fault on that.   But I acted out of ignorance.  I don’t regret it as I gave it my best shot with what I thought I had to do.

Why do I still feel so bad sometimes?

This is why I just never want to fall in love again.  You just can’t turn it off, despite desperately hoping to.      I can’t give so much of myself to anyone else.   It’s not fair to me or them.

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