I hate this feeling

Man I hate this feeling that I have for my wife.   I don’t even really like her like that.  I definately won’t say love.   Shit, but i still get so damn mad sometimes.   It’s gotta be my ego hurting.

Why does this shit have to hurt so got damn bad.   Why can’t i just let it go.   If anyone is reading this I’m telling you never, ever, ever, get married and have kids man.   I hate what this chick is putting me through with every inch of my soul.

I hate that I feel powerless to do anything about it right now.   It feels like torture.   Why can’t I just let it go.   I’m tired of holding on to the resentment, anger,  and feelings of disrespect.  I know that it says more about her character than me.

I know that I don’t want to be with her.  I just want my family.  The irony.    I dont’ want to hurt my son, but staying in this situation is torture.   I gotta get control over my emotions.

I’m tired of being weak.  How can I get my strength back.   How do people just shut down all these damn emotions?

Calling dude  is a sucker move.   I don’t even care to know the guy.   In all other circumstances I’d gladly say, that it’s his problem now.   But I signed up for this.

The split is knowing that my family suffers if I just leave.   Hell I’d still suffer knowing that I hurt my son.  I don’t suspect she’d shed a single tear.    I’m not the type of person who wants someone who doesn’t want me back.  She’s free to do whatever she wants.   But why does that freedom have to force me and the innocent person I am charged to protect so much pain.

So here I am.  Resigned to basically being a fucking cuck because I can’t just leave.  Maintianing a home for my son where she benefits because of him.   She is allowed to get away with murder scott free it seems.   Here’s the choice, I suffer with my ego or kiddo suffers due to the loss of his home.

Maybe i should just embrace the fact that I’m a cuck.   My wife is free to do whatever the hell she wants.   I can choose to keep the home for him so he doesn’t suffer.  If I continue to suffer alone.  I mean at least one of us can be spared from this pain.    I’d suffer either way to see him in pain.

When it comes down to it,  he deserves happiness as a child.  I’d sacrifice mine for his. God blessed my with the resposibility of raising him.   I’ve lived my childhood.  Life will probably beat him up enough that he doesn’t need this.    I have to bear my cross.   It’s getting heavy, but I can’t seem to drop it.   As shaky as my knees are, they won’t let me fall.

So I have to take this ass whoopin like a man.   No point in crying about it, at the very least, I must keep my dignity and no longer bitch about it to her.   She’s heard my side. She makes her choice.

I make mine, we live and die by them.   Daily, one step at a time.

But in reality, if she ends up pregnant, then what?   At what level do I give in?

Choices man….

I need a drink


4 thoughts on “I hate this feeling

    • Yeah. I appreciate the sentiment. But the way I see it, if life is primarily about our own happiness, then we have no right to judge anyone for anything they do in the pursuit of theirs. This includes rapists, child molesters, murderers.

      I mean at the end of the day, in principle, they were just chasing their own personal happiness….


    • Wow. I know this is late. But respectfully, I somewhat disagree. I can only encourage my son to be happy, but I cannot give him happiness. My personal happiness has little to do with whether he is happy or not. He has to choose it….and that comes from within. Gratitude for what he has is a great first step. If he allows external forces to dictate his happiness, then I believe that he’ll be subject to being controlled by things he has no control over. Given the materialism of today’s world, he could be subject to a perpetual grass is greener syndrome. Ironically, if your mind is set on chasing happiness, you’ll always be … chasing happiness. Here in middle class America, we live in unprescidented times. We have so much to be thankful and grateful for. Maybe we aren’t gajillionaires, but we have so much comfort and opportunity and relative peace compared to 98% of the world’s historic population as well as most of the world in general today… yet so many people are unhappy. It’s because many of us aren’t grateful for what we have and expect the next great thing to bring us happiness. If we cannot be grateful for what we do have (given the times we live in now), how could we ever expect to be happy. I think that It has to come from within, not from the outside.


Leave a Reply to Isaac Matteo Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s