The cycle continues

So hurt and battered I can’t even pretend that things will be ok.   I can’t even run game at this point.   I don’t see any way out.

I’m sure she’d want for me to say things like, “we were meant to be together.”  or things like i’ve always loved you.   or say things like, “i feel in my heart that things are going to work out and be better than ever.”  or any other uplifting  hopeful or positive thing.

But I can’t.   I lost faith in her.   In us.   And as much as I want a home for our son.   As much as I hate the thought of losing our family.   I see no way for this thing to work.

It seems that all of my options are bad.   My lack of trust makes me fear that I can never trust her again.   Her aloofness and take it or leave it attitude says that she’s liable to repeat the cycle.   Her ability to so easily lie, lack of accountability, and inability to articulate her feelings makes me realize that I could never have the security I need with her.

If i let her go, then I lose the ability to see my son as much.  I’d have to admit that I contributed (willingly or nah) to break his heart and home.    Or I’d have to raise him alone.   Or face the possibility of her finding someone else where she can start over and be happy….despite climbing over to hurt so many people in the process.

Just saying, hitler would be happy if he had destroyed the Jews.   R. Kelly would be happy if we’d just let him pee on little girls in peace.  Donald Trump would be happy if we’d all shut the fuck up and let him be stupid.    Is personal happiness the most important thing if it hurts others in order to get there?

I am self reflective enough to know that my contribution to the toxicity of this marriage is minimal.

So saying that I want it to work out would be patently false.   Demands on her to stop dealing with the new guy would likely result in her lying again.  I have to do it to save face though.  I’ll talk my shit, but I’m pretty sure she’ll be sneaking around again.   This is the third time anyway.    I’m stuck until she can get back on her feet and there’s pretty much nothing I can do.   I took a risk, and lost, now I’m having to face the consequences.

I want her to regret the way she treated me.  It kills me inside knowing the state of black families that she could be so callous and aloof about ours.   I hate the fact that despite her knowing that divorce would hurt our son immensely, she didn’t even give our marriage a chance.   I hate the fact that I sacrificed so much for her only to get constantly disrespected.

I’m also in part stuck because I want to feel reciprocity and acknowledgement in some form.

I don’t know if i want her to want me back, but I do want her to regret her behavior.   I wish she could feel the pain she inflicted on me so she’d know first hand what she put me through.

I suppose karma doesn’t work like that.  I mean I can’t sit here and wait and hope that she realizes how bad she treated me….nor hope that karmic retribution kicks her in the ass.  It seems to work out that way sometimes, but not for the people waiting around for it to happen.   I’d be truly over it once the desire for her to feel that is over.   Perhaps true forgiveness is key here.   How ironic would it be if karma only works if the offended person actually forgives one who offends.

It feels that I’m fighting for my family with one hand tied behind my back.   Then sand keeps getting kicked in my eyes.  She has the advantage in that she knows I want my family more than she does.   But i want it more for my son than for her.

Conversation is bleak these days.  I tell her things that she does that’s destroying any attempt to fix things.   We rarely laugh or talk about more than the effed up things she’s doing anymore.   I try to make it plain and simple about how she sabotages the relationship and she seems  to get it. But yet she continues doing those same things anyway.

I don’t feel as bad though.  The pain isn’t nearly as acute as before and I do feel a sense of relief in a way now that I know I”m not crazy.  Still though, I can’t wait for this ride to be over.

I have no ETA for now.




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