Discovery of affair #3 and this time, I’m not really hurt or surprised. Relieved. Feeling stupid that I put myself back in this position. But that’s on me. It’s up to me at this point.
She doesn’t love me, that’s obvious. Maybe she never truly really did. It seems that we can never love the people who really love us back. Perhaps deep down, I knew it. After that fateful day of discovery one…and the hell that ensued over the past 4 years, till now, I’m somewhat numb to the news.
Redpill awareness and all. She claims she’s sorry, but I suspect not sorry enough to stop. She’s always sorry. But never enough to turn around. She wants out, I want out and the only thing keeping us is the fear of hurting our son.
I hate that. I could work on fixing things and trying to forgive….possibly fixing things and overlooking the incompatibilities, but I cannot overcome the lack of trust.
My ego has been shattered. My expectations of what a marriage is supposed to be unmet. The realization that the likely destruction of another family home is imminent and upon me. We’re just another statistic.
I know I fucked up. Ignorance of the redpill until it was too late. Here we have an example of how blue pill beliefs are out here destroying families daily. We live in a different world. There is no room for “good men” out here, unless you’re wealthy. And even then, loyalty is dubious. There is no turning this ship around. I’ve simped myself into a corner. I was too nice, too kind, too accommodating and she lost respect and attraction for me.
Despite the heavy times and situations that await, I’m relieved to have confirmation of the truth. My son has to be strong.
I know that I don’t really love her like that. Not enough to keep putting up with this. Not enough to stay where I’m not loved nor appreciated. Or rather appreciated, but taken for granted.
Either way, I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel adored nor appreciated. Deep down, I can’t feel the love. How can I expect anything else from her? She doesn’t love me deep down. It’s like you’d just know in a way that’s beyond words.
Perhaps I am creating my own reality by feeling that way, but I’m so emotionally damaged that I don’t want to use the mental sciences I’ve been using to create my reality as of late to manifest it from her.
Am I addicted to this pain?