90’s R&B will kill you

I was listening to some old school (think 90’s) r&b over the weekend and was reminiscing about how great the music was.   Moonlighting as a lyft driver, I am able to also dj for many of my riders. We had some fun times karaoking and discussing about the music of that era.

One constant theme of conversation was that the music back then talked more about love, falling in love, making love, and the whole chase/dating process.   Today the music is mostly about fucking, cheating, and side pieces.

I used to love the song “April Showers” by Dru Hill.  In it someone wrote:

“Loving you is all I need

Never take your love from me

I think i would lose my mind if you would go away

So say  you’ll never leave my side

And forever you’d be mine

Oh April Shower me with your love”


Music definitely influences as at the end of the night, i felt, for a few quick seconds how I’d like to meet someone and fall in love.   I quickly snapped back into reality when I remembered, shit i’m married, i fell in love and there is a lot pain and suffering on the other side of that.

Honestly, now that I look at the lyrics of that song, I’m thinking that there goes a guy who’s girl is about to cheat on him or put him in the friend zone.

I don’t know if it’s a cruel trick of the gods, a mass coincidence, or just bad luck, but it seems that two good people never seem to get to together.   There always seem to be at least one cheater/user/asshole in the couple.   If you’re reading this and in a relationship and it’s not you, then odds are….

Relationships bring out the worst in people.   Sure they often start off great.  Both people want the best for each other, they make promises, put their best foot forward, it’s amazing.   But the more amazing it is, the worse the fallout in the end.

I’m somewhat an optimist when it comes to people and for some reason I believe that most people are pretty decent.   I’m often shocked and amazed when I hear someone I personally know doing something messed up to others.    Sure, some can be petty at times, but truly evil and deceptive?….it’s like i hear about it on tv, movies, the news, anecdotally and what not, but rarely witness it in person.   Perhaps people are great at wearing masks.

That said, I can’t believe that I’m still struggling with the idea that my wife turned out to be the asshole cheater in the relationship.   I mean I’m usually so unemotional about things.  I’m a pretty even keel person, laid back, and chill.   I rarely get really upset or angry about things and even when I do, I’m usually able to play devil’s advocate with myself so that I can gain insight into their perspectives.   Issues like racism, homophobia, and abortion don’t really bother me.  While I may lean one way, I usually understand the WHY’s enough that I don’t take a strong stance either way.   I really don’t care as long as it doesn’t directly affect me.

I still can’t wrap my head around why my wife would be so damn….cold.   Even with the realization that she doesn’t love me.   I don’t think she’s capable.   I know that I cannot be surprised at anything she might do at this point.   I don’t know why i still have so much anxiety when it comes to her.   I know that I can’t change her.  At this point, I don’t know if i even care to.

I hate that I fell so hard that I still feel weak.   Falling in love makes you weak man.   If she decides to bail, if you truly love her/him, then expect some shitty days, weeks, possibly years.   I’ve even attempted to replace her so to speak without getting emotionally attached.   I got emotionally attached,  (those damned cancerian stars), but not to that level.

It’s like having a constant ache where you can take a pain reliever here and there to mask the pain.   But it’s still there.   Just waiting to rear it’s ugly head.   I fucking hate being so weak for someone who could care less.   I know I should let go, but it seems that I can’t sometimes.   I know I’d be better alone, but circumstances prevent me from just leaving her alone.

In reality, I don’t even like her that much.   If I  just met her and got her number, I couldn’t see myself really taking her seriously for anything other than another notch on my belt.

She’s cool, just not my type.   The conversation just isn’t there.  We just see things differently.   Outside appearance wise, she doesn’t seem any different than most of these females i run into, it’s just, i don’t know.  I’ve met other women who I seem to have better conversational chemistry with.   I’ve even met others where the sexual chemistry blows ours out the water….even at our best.

I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to just let go.   I don’t like the way she makes me feel most of the time.   I know she’s a cheater.   She’s secretive still.   Bubbly personality, funny, but shallow underneath.   Plus she’s little a bit funnier than me and I don’t like that ish.  Either way, it’s going on 3 years since dday and I’m still as confused and anxious as ever.

In the words of Carl Thomas  “…and i wish i never met her.”

sigh.   man, when will this hell be over?





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