Mental Hell is playing this on repeat

It’s so funny how I can normally identify dysfunction in others, but yet, I couldn’t seem to see it right in front of me.   I was thinking about how messed up my wife’s behavior has been over the course of our marriage and realized that the only reason I didn’t judge her was because she was faithful (as far as I knew).

In reality, when I think of my ideal woman, she was far from it.   Perhaps I deluded myself because I was attracted to her appearance.   What a fool I’ve been.   I know that people don’t really change unless they want to.   She doesn’t really see a problem with treating me in a way she wouldn’t want to be treated.   I dealt with it because I didn’t want to hurt our son.  While I’d understand why our son might do the same thing for his family, I wouldn’t be too mad if he decided to give up.

I also think that it exposes insecurity in me.  Perhaps it’s a natural human inclination to want to avoid abandonment.   It’s also part of my ego fearing that I’m unworthy of her.   But truthfully, I don’t deserve her.  I don’t deserve to be disrespected, unappreciated, and lied to.  I’m not saying that I deserve a 10 (she isn’t a 10).  But I do deserve reciprocity, honest communication, and basic respect.   Without those, then what am I in it for?   Why stay married to someone who either doesn’t get that or doesn’t care enough to provide those things?  Is it really too much to expect those things?

I ‘know’/’knew’ these things.   I’d tell any friend of mine that he or she does deserve those things in a spouse.  That those are the basics.   That if their s/o doesn’t give them those basics at least, then it’s time to move on.   People divorce for good and bad reasons.  In my heart, I could have forgiven the cheating.   But the disrespect, lying, gas lighting, inconsideration  is unacceptable.   This is emotional abuse.

I don’t know how I did’t realize that she is ‘one of those’ type of people that you warn others about falling in love with.   I have to admit that I chose wrong.  It took some time for me to see that.  Unfortunately, we already brought a child into the world and gave him a home.   By the time I figured it out, it was too late.   I’m left with no good options as leaving or staying will result in devastating consequences for him.

In the beginning, she told me that she didn’t want to have a child in a broken home, but yet she tore our home down without even trying to save it.   That last part stings the most as to me. Our family meant everything to me.  It was worth fighting for.   New sex and adventure, while tempting, wasn’t worth losing our nuclear family over.   Yet, I have to admit and eventually forgive the fact that ultimately, it was worth it to her.

I suppose the PR answer if asked in the future why we divorced is that our priorities and values were in different orders.   I wasn’t a saint in this either, I eventually lost my patience.   I called her out.  I said many unkind things to her after the fact.   I told close family and friends about it.   I had a few affairs she didn’t find out about (after her 2nd affair.)   I stopped praying every day for us to work it out.

I don’t regret it.  It wasn’t out of revenge.   I honestly don’t believe it would have hurt her had she found out.  That should have been the sign to get the ball rolling on divorcing.    I did it as an attempt to reclaim my masculinity and sense of worth.   I loved her more than I loved myself.   This was truly an attempt to emotionally disconnect from her.   Was I a victim?  Yes. Unfortunately, I acted like one as well.   I do regret that part.

She used the love of my family as a condition of my happiness against me.  She didn’t consider nor care about how her actions affected me.  Perhaps that was MY problem and not hers.   I was so invested. I thought I was doing the right things.  I tried to be the best husband I could be.  I loved our family more than life itself.   I felt like she owed it to us to at least try to save our family.  If not for me, at least for our son. It just felt so unfair.

How could she do this to me….to us.    What’s the point of getting married if you can just walk away without trying to fix things?  How could new dick and new relationship energy (which eventually gets old) be worth destroying a whole family over.   How could one be so selfish as to hurt everyone that’s supposed to mean the most to you just for some new adventure.   Or was I just that unworthy to her as a husband that it was worth it to her.   That’s the hard part.  I wasn’t perfect, but I really did try.   But that’s the ego speaking.

On a side note:  Let’s address the elephant in the room:    If other women think the sex is good, hell she did enough to say ‘yes’ when I asked her to marry me….and I gave her the freedom to do pretty much anything (except cheat), then what other reason could she have to not even want to try to work on things?  I’ve asked and all she can say is that she’s ‘unhappy’.   Wtf does that even mean?  She can’t or at least won’t even clarify. She just shuts down and scrolls through her cell phone as she usually does when we try to have a real conversation.

Should I really value her opinion of me if she’s willing to do that without even trying?  Our values are totally different.   Maybe she just doesn’t love me anymore.  But it does beg the question of how can you just stop loving someone for no reason other than boredom.

I can’t do this again.  This is why it’s just not wise for a man to emotionally invest in a woman.   This is their nature and all we can do is accept it.   Or end up cucked or best case scenario with a woman who doesn’t care for nor respect you.  They’re too entitled to some vague notion of ‘happiness’ that they can’t even define.   They don’t feel that they should have to work for it.   It’s a excercise in futility as your whole life you’re trying to score a touchdown while the goalposts keep moving.   All the rules in football still apply with the same number of downs.  You can never get tired, and you’ll never reach the in zone.    Marriage is hell.  Perhaps the best way to play is not to try to keep them happy and walk tf away when the game gets too hard.

Do I want revenge?  You’re damn right.   But the best way is to go our here and reclaim my happiness.   I have to overcome this fear that she’ll live happily ever after while I’m stuck missing what could have been.  I fear that after lying, cheating, abusing, and destroying our family, she will still be able to come out on the other side and find happiness.

The reality in that is that it’s really not in my hands.   I can only live my best life using the lessons I learned from this shit show.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s