Million Dollar Mouthpiece

I’ve always admired and somewhat envied people who had a knack of being funny in conversation.   I’m not sure why, but for most of my life, I was shy.   Not painfully nor awkwardly.  I can hold my own for long enough.   But I never wanted the spotlight on me because I knew that eventually, I’d run out of things to say.   There are very few people I’ve come across where I could just sit and talk for hours (while sober) and feel that space of mental freedom and creativity.

It’s the main reason I drink so much and self medicate.   It’s why I generally stick to myself and don’t go out much.   I’m not sure why this is so hard.   I don’t feel weird around others while sober.  I’m fairly confident.   I’m satisfied with how I look.   I think I’m intelligent enough.  I make decent money.   I just don’t know why I can’t start and maintain an interesting and stimulating conversation with people.

When I come across guys who have the gift of gab, I often find myself a bit jealous.   It’s not that I’m mad that they have it, it just makes me realize how much I wish that I did.   I could be so much more successful in life with it.   When I see an attractive woman, I often don’t approach because I just don’t know what to say.  It’s not that I’m afraid per se.  It’s just that the words and ideas won’t come.

You would think that all you had to do was to start a conversation about what’s going on.   Easier said than done for me.   Even when I replay scenarios in my head, I rarely come up with something that I could have said.

It’s just English.  I’ve been speaking it my entire life.   But yet, formulating interesting enough conversation seems down right impossible when it comes to that.  I don’t even think I’m afraid of rejection.  I get that everyone is not ‘for’ me.   I realize that you never know until you try.   But still, it seems like a suicide mission because I don’t know what to say.  It’s almost like it’s a waste of time and I’d end up feeling worse because it points directly to a problem that I just can’t seem to help.

How odd is it that I can recognize humor and wit, but yet not be able to formulate it on my own?   I can laugh at funny people all day, I can follow their line of reasoning, even agree to a large extent, but yet am unable to articulate myself in that way.    It’s frustrating and infuriating.    I have yet to think of a single thing that is holding me back.   It does seem that something is blocking that part of my mind from working though.

A lot of guys think that money and looks are all that’s needed to get women.   I disagree.  Sure, it might get their attention, but you have to be able to talk.  In fact, I’d say that if your conversation / wit/ humor is on point, those other things aren’t really all that necessary.   They help for sure, but the mouthpiece part is crucial.

I wonder if this is something that can be developed.  It’s gotten to the point that when I’m drunk and in that mood, I ask myself what’s so different.   What is so different about how I feel then that I feel that I can go out and make great conversation with almost anyone?   Why are my responses to what someone says so quick and relevant?   I don’t feel out of my mind.  I still feel like me.  I can still acknowledge all the good and bad in my life, but yet something is different.   I’d call it confidence, but the confidence is due to the fact that I just know what to say.

I realize that most people don’t have the gift of gab.   But i’d say that I’m a little below average in that department.   It bothers me because I recognize it.  I hate that I’m an entirely different person when sober.   But I don’t want to rely on  alcohol.   Come to think of it, I do notice that many of my ‘gifted’ peers drink A LOT.  But there are some who still seem to have it while sober.

I used to study pickup and it made me realize that while ‘outer game’ is interesting enough.   Inner game is where the gold is.   You have to be able to generate the lines and techniques from within.   Outer game is just some guy’s outer expression of an inward feeling.  Being able to emulate the outer technique can work in the right context, but the goal is to be able to reverse engineer it.    My outer game really pretty decent when intoxicated.   But why is my inner game so weak when sober?

I made note of how I feel in my body when drunk and it’s….  I still feel mostly the same, but just a little different.  A little more relaxed.   It’s like I’m looking forward to the future.  My breathing is deep. Slow inhalations and long exhalations.    I feel excited about the future as opposed to unsure.   It’s like I can acknowledge that even though something bad might happen, I’ll be ok.   I can handle it.   I feel that way when sober, but just not excited about it.  Maybe that’s the key.  Feeling excited, yet relaxed?









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