Dude Really?

The wife and I had a pretty decent although awkward heart to heart this weekend where she confessed that her former lover was still trying to reach out to her.   I didn’t really dwell on it for too long, but afterwards, I began to wonder what dude’s problem is.

I mean, the guy has 3 baby mamas and 5 kids already.  In my mind, he seems to have a knack for talking women into having his kids and pretty much leaving.   From what I gathered from talking to one of his baby mama’s is that he is serial cheater.   Maybe I’m hating, or perhaps my opinion is skewed, but I personally think that he’s a lowlife.

How can a man be ok with breaking up a family.   He’s a black man willing to break up a black family.   Given the landscape of bastard children running around in our communities, how can he seriously be ok with feeling like this is ok.   Is he such a loser that he can’t find a single woman’s life to ruin.  Dude’s almost 40, doesn’t he realize that ‘love’ isn’t just a feeling….that is if he is actually ‘in love’ with her.

I wonder why my wife even entertains him and hasn’t blocked him.   For me, it’s a red flag.   While I appreciate her honesty, it still doesn’t make me feel any better as I really didn’t know if they had stopped talking or not.   Given the way he manipulated her (she’s just as at fault for putting herself in that situation) to betray our friendship and marriage over some male ego gratification kind of thing, I would think she’d be over it as it’s been over a year and she has had time to think about it.

She claims that she is, but still, why would she want to deal with a man who coached her into disrespecting her son’s father and betraying our foundational friendship?   In any capacity.   Sure, she may have gotten swept up in the ‘newness’ of honeymoon ‘lust’, but still, after finding out who this guy really is and how he played her, why wouldn’t she want to close that chapter in her life.

Dudes who break up families over their own selfish lusts in our community are special kind of wicked in my opinion.  How could she trust the manipulative bastard.   To me, he’s pathetic, but of course, me bashing him to her would probably have the effect of drawing her closer to him.   Perhaps he’s not as ‘alpha’ as I thought.   You’d think that he would have moved on by now.   He knows that I am a decent man and father to our kid.  What makes him think that he can bring anything to the table given his child support and potential back child support issues.   I overheard her talk to her friend about how ‘hatian’ men tend to want to have a lot of kids by many women regardless if they can take care of them or not.    But here she is entertaining this asshole.

I did say that attraction can’t be helped, but attraction is not love.   I told her that we can be attracted to bad people and if we act on that attraction, it usually doesn’t end well.   This guy is bad news.   Perhaps he knows what to say, but the fact that he is willing to allow his emotions overcome his principles  makes him unstable as a man.   Ultimately, he’d hurt her pretty bad.   But given his ability to manipulate her, I don’t like the idea of her talking to him period.   He’s bad news.   Again, I’m playing with fire here by saying that much, but at the end of the day, I’m trying to warn her.   For now, I should just leave it alone.   I want to call and curse him out over that, but personally, I don’t feel like it would accomplish anything.   They say not to argue with women (feminine nature), logic, appeals to reason, and morality doesn’t work.   It would be pointless.   If she asks me to then I’ll jump on the opportunity, but until then, all I can do is see the fact she’s entertaining conversation with him as big red flag to keep emotionally distancing myself.

We’re still separated and I’m out here doing my thing.   My lover is amazing, tbh, on paper, she’s quite a catch.  She doesn’t appear to be trapped in conspicuous consumerism.  No kids.  Single, smart, beautiful, successful career, well traveled, and as of now, submissive.  The sex is amazing and plentiful.   She gets my jokes and thinks I’m hilarious.   Of course, after riding the marriage roller coaster, I know that time changes things.   I’m just riding the wave for now recklessly trying to figure out how not to get too emotionally attached.    I don’t want to be in love.   I know that I need to date someone else to help with that, but damn, she pretty much gives me what I’ve been missing for so long.

I know that I’m a hypocrite, possibly due to being afraid of opening back up to my wife.   My lover knows that I am married but separated and does comment that I’m ‘dangerous’.  Flattery, I’m sure, but  I get it.   I think she’s in the same boat of enjoying our time together and trying to balance the whole attachment thing.   We promised each other that we would inform the other if one of us decided to have sex with someone else.   I’m ok with that arrangement.   Honesty has to be the foundation of any type of relationship, especially sexual ones.   I intend to keep good on my word and I’m trusting that she will too.  She doesn’t have anything to lose, she makes way more money than me so she has no reason to try to ‘trap’ me.   It feel really good to be able to trust someone.  Hopefully she won’t disappoint.

The wife and I haven’t had sex in about 6 months.   Last night, I just threw out a text to see if she’d bite.   She kind of poked at it, but didn’t come over.  I figured she wouldn’t but instead of ignoring or dismissing it as she used to, she entertained the idea for a bit.   I’m glad she didn’t though.  I don’t need that on my chest and it would disrupt the wave I’m on right now.

Why risk the relationship with my lover over a woman who I don’t trust right now?   I’m thinking that I’d rather risk it with someone else other than my wife who has proven that she can’t be trusted right now.   Besides, the emotional fallout by having sex with her could be pretty bad.   I’m emotionally disconnecting from her and I gotta keep moving forward.









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