After a weekend of shenanigans, I ended up with a cbd vape pen. I quit smoking weed regularly nearly a decade now because I realized that somewhere along the line, anxiety and paranoia wasn’t worth the trip. It’s just not MY drug. And apparently, it still isn’t.
My ‘friend’ called me over last night and so my dumb ass decided to hit the vape pen before I got there. Yes, it was as awkward as all get out. The sex started off as great, but when the high really kicked in, I started waxing philosophical about whatever the hell came to mind.
I was stuck between being ‘me’ and being ‘high’ me. My mind already over thinks everything, but just imagine being compulsed to articulate everything you think, because the thoughts are loud, clear, and in slow motion. I did that and it ruined the mood. Great for sex physically. But horrible if you’re talking shit and aren’t on the same frequency.
Yeah, just another reason to hate myself, but it is what it is. I actually dont hate myself for that, but I did fuck up with her and probably lost a few ‘points’ with her. I actually give more fucks about it than i should.
It made me realize that we as men MUST have more than one girl we’re dealing with at a time if we want to keep her interested. I’m so worried about losing her that I can’t be real and so I overthink shit too much. That’s insecure and unattractive. If i have two or three women and if I ‘fuck up’ the moment with one, which knowing me, it’s gonna happen sooner or later, then I’m still able to maintain my own frame without feeling afraid she that she doesn’t like me anymore. Maybe i just have abandonment issues? Maybe they shouldn’t be so damned fickle?
Women don’t understand that caring actually causes us to be a bit insecure. It’s like they want us to love them, but at the same time be able to love them without feeling afraid that we might lose them. It’s a real mind fuck.
It’s so much easier to game and stay attractive if we can walk the fuck away as quickly as possible. At the end of the day, romantic love does have this element of unbridled lust which is hard to maintain if you’re exclusive. It’s too much pressure to stay your best if you really give a fuck.
Having multiple women helps keep that fear of losing her at bay, thus you stay confident. It gives me room to wrong with her and not be so hard on myself. One woman just makes it too hard to not worry about it.
Being sexually exclusive whether out of necessity or choice is a real danger that we as men face. Especially if the former is true. The average woman can never really know that pain. Getting laid and the ‘getting to know u’ excitement is literally one swipe away for them.
As an empathic male, it is my duty to make sure i don’t put that emotional insecurity into her and the only way is through having others on the side. She literally feels my insecurity or confidence and as of now, it’s based on how I think she feels about me. She is truly a reflection on how I feel about myself. Unfortunately, it’s based on how i perceive that the treats me. Codependence is a bitch.
I’m jealous that I have to put in so much work to get into a sexual relationship while she can simply show up and just not be too bitchy. Cheating and having more than one woman is truly the great equalizer. We as men ‘have to cheat’ if we want to maintain staying attractive to her. Yes, it will hurt her if she finds out, but isn’t it better for both of us? Plus a woman won’t really leave you for cheating on her if she loves you. It’s the worst thing they can do to us as men, but it’s really not the worst thing we can do to them. In fact, I’m starting to think that it is a necessary evil.
This experience also helped me realize that I am probably fall on the spectrum of autism socially and weed pushes it over the edge. I literally throw most ‘social’ norms out of the window and point to the imaginary elephant in the room. It’s insecurity at it’s finest. It’s not fun, even though I do it and laugh at it. it doesn’t do much to make her feel better about the situation.
I did this with my wife as well. To a lesser degree since i was mostly sober, but over time, i could see how you end up not liking a person over that. I get why she fell out of love. I didn’t cheat….lol, but ironically, it’s true. I can’t be mad at her nor me as I did act of of ignorance.
The damage is done with my friend. I’m cool though. I can recover if i’m just patient and let time do it’s thing. She likes me enough, but for now, the best thing is to fall way the fuck back. If she comes back around, she does, and even when she does, I know that I gotta get someone else on the side. In real life, I’m too insecure to handle just one woman. It literally has to be 3 or more to maintain the balance of not giving enough fucks to stay attractive. Plus it’s so much easier to have her leave me over cheating than have her leaving me because she got bored or tired of my insecurity.
My three key take aways from all this are:
1)You have to cheat on your girl
2)Social ‘lubrication’ does have an element of ‘fakeness’ in it
3)Mary J is still not a drug for me