History repeating itself

I knew the day would come when me and she would have to part ways.   I never knew how it would happen, but I always knew it wouldn’t be a forever thing.   We never placed any expectations on each other, except honesty to each other about fidelity.   No rules, no strings, just let each other know if we had sex with someone else.   No hard feelings.

I had hoped that we could maintain that promise.   But I realize it is  a pretty tall order.  I believe she broke that.   It doesn’t feel off, but the holes in her stories are starting to make me give pause.    I think I’m getting in a little over my head and so it’s probably time to fall back because it matters to me.    Given what she’s told me about her past and what i’ve been able to gather from her present.   There just too many red flags to continue.   It really is a case of it being me and not her.   I can’t handle the emotional aspect of it and I don’t want to be that jealous guy.    My own history has shown that I must be a magnet for these chicks.  I’ve read this story before.  It’s the story of my life.   Funny how history has a way of repeating itself.   She is like a combination of all my ex’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I judge, but not out of a feeling of superiority.   I wish the best for her.   I just know that I’d be a fool to get attached.  Especially when I know that it isn’t going anywhere.   Oddly enough, this has been the story of my love life.   We start as a fling, to fwb, to let’s try this, to it seems pretty cool….then, almost on queue the disrespect, unanswered calls, questionable missing weekends, cheating and inevitable break up.

Followed with a break period, us getting back together, and then dysfunction until one of us moves away.   Happened 3 times already.   The process takes about 3 to 4 years.

Oddly enough,  I never expect anything at first.   Hell i already see/saw the red flags.  I wasn’t foolish enough figure they wouldn’t be problematic in the long run.   But you keep having fun, hanging out, fucking,  and the next thing you know…..emotional attachment.  That’s the part I never seemed to anticipate.

My wife was the only exception to these long term things, but that’s a shit show now.

I gotta think with the big head this time and not the little one.   I’m not mad or angry at her.    I just know her nature.  I’ve dated her before.   Without any prospects right now, I gotta do what’s best for me and fall back.  That’s the hard part.   While  I did miss the intimacy, sex, and attention that I wasn’t getting from my wife,  it will come at a price if I continue down this road.    Hopefully i won’t go all let’s fix it with my wife.   I’ve come too far to emotionally detach to turn back now.   I hope this doesn’t interfere with my progress.

Fortunately, my lover did relieve me from some of the pressure of obsessing over my wife.    Life’s a lot easier if i’m not thinking about her.   But it’s stupid to replace one problem with another one.   I would save myself a lot of potential heartache by distancing myself at this point.

I already know what I need to do.    Just time to do it.

Man, screw that.  Who walks away from a free paycheck?  Shit she gotta fire me.

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