A friend of mine asked for advice about her guy who seems to have commitment issues. She wants to believe that he’s just addicted to toxic relationships. While that could be the case, I wanted to tell her that he probably wanted keep her around for a bit longer. We as men know that true commitment is the quickest way to having her get bored and us getting cheated on.
For the longest, I’ve been trying to figure out how or why my wife betrayed me so badly. It’s been going on 3 years and for the life of me, I just couldn’t figure it out. We haven’t divorced yet and are in the weird limbo state. I’m too hurt and distrustful to just let it go and try to work on things alone. She doesn’t love me enough to be apologetic. Right now, I’m trying to get my self back and get over the loss of my family.
Lately, I’ve been trying to get myself out of ‘nice’ guy or ‘beta’ male behavior. It’s a struggle because I easily find myself wanting to please women and make them happy. I truly get why I got what I deserved in previous relationships. While I do plead the “ignorant” card, I have accept the responsibility of my actions and thus the consequences they had over my outcomes.
I had to face the hard truth that I’m not ‘alpha’ enough. I’m too eager to please and make her happy. Foot rubs, back massages, flowers, small gifts, and all that corny stuff is cool i suppose every other blue moon, but I did it too much. I never complained when it wasn’t returned. Truth be told, I did it because I loved her, not because I expected it back. In retrospect, I should have. Unknown to me, I was investing way more than she was. And of course who wouldn’t want the highest return with little investment. She didn’t use me, I played myself.
Maybe I’m not relationship material. I’ve always been sort of a live and let live kind of guy. Another shoe that fits is ‘happy go lucky’. That said, I’m not really into dominating people or making them do anything they might not feel like doing. If I can’t convince someone to do anything they don’t want to do, then it’s never been my style to ‘manipulate’ them into doing it. Sure, I’d make my case, but in the end, no simply means no. No harm, no foul. Maybe I’m too independent in that sense.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t bode too well when it comes to women and attraction. Red pill literature seems to indictate that women want to be dominated. They wan’t to be convinced by an ‘alpha’ male to do things they might not feel like doing sometimes. They want to follow him. I’m not a leader. I ‘ll grant you that. I just do me. To be fair to myself, I’m not much of a follower either.
Another thing is that I don’t truly know what I want half the time. I wonder if I really don’t want anything enough or if it’s that I somehow think I can’t get it. I often find myself giving too few fucks about anything. That can lead to lack of passion….another thing that women find attractive. I do what I like and that’s it. I have hobbies and a bit of ambition, but I’m not trying to build an empire. Being rich doesn’t interest so much me that I have to put money over everything….as what most women seem to value in a man. The idea of keeping up with the Jones’ turn me off. I’m not working to impress people i don’t know nor care about with things that I don’t value just to look good.
Simply put, I’m a simple guy not willing to conform to the ‘standard’ set by society at large. Don’t get me wrong, I indulge in modern comforts and conveniences as much as the next man. As long as I can pay my bills, have the necessities, free time, and eat a fancy meal every now and then and buy a few toys, I’m good. Even though that sounds decent, it simply means that I do have a tendency to become complacent financially.
Most people I know are looking to ‘level up’ and always looking for the next level. Shiid, I’m happy where I am. I could do a bit better, but I don’t seem to have to urgency to get there. I’m eating when I want, I’m clean, I have a roof over my head, I have transportation, and I”m not wondering how I’m going to pay the next bill. I’m truly grateful for what I have as I know that as a middle class american, I’m probably living better than 90% of the entire world population in history.
I’m also not really built to be a player. I don’t like to lie to people. I have the tendency to see the good in whoever I was with. I know noone is perfect, so even their ‘imperfections’ were just character traits that made them unique. My problem is that I conceded way too much because I got attached in the discovery, honeymoon phase. I settled for validation and that’s a problem of me not feeling like I’m enough.
I’ve also learned that if I want to ‘play the game’, I have to concede and sort of sell a piece of my soul. I mean everyone else can’t be wrong.
I was speaking to a female friend and told her that I’m probably not relationship material. Sure, I’m cool, short term, but in the end, I cannot open myself to a woman anymore. Love hurts way too bad when it goes wrong. I have a tendency to get attached and start caring too much. I’m not “alpha” enough to maintain a long term relationship. Perhaps I could change, but again, the cost is a piece of me that I don’t know I want to give up.
She asked me how i’d be happy if I never opened up and trusted anyone again. It’s not that I don’t trust them, I just don’t want to put an otherwise decent person in a position to have to lie to me. I don’t want to love someone so much that it becomes a burden to them if they change their minds. I mean, it is unfair in a sense to them. I’m doing us both a favor.
While it might not be my fault that they no longer value the relationship if I am putting my all in, but it’s also unfair to make them stay where they are ‘unhappy’ enough to cheat.
We live in a world of instant gratification and if for whatever reason, they want to leave, then by all means, I suppose they have the right. Wouldn’t I want that for myself? Perhaps they aren’t bound like a sense of duty like I am. Perhaps they aren’t as happy go lucky as I am to make the best of it. Everyone isn’t like me and I have to accept that. That said though, I also have to look out for me. I don’t plan on being an asshole, but I just can’t get too attached as I know that I can be loyal to a fault. I’d tend to hurt myself before I’d hurt ‘us’ and when it’s not reciprocated, I lose my power in the relationship. It gets boring and it simply causes women to run for the hills.
The only way around this is a form of love without attachment. In a sense, I’m forced to be a ‘player’ or have several women so that I don’t get too attached to one. It forces me to have situationships as opposed to exclusive relationships. In that sense, I’m not a player. I’m honest, but I do have commitment issues.