“Separated Husbands”

I used to think that all cheaters were lowlife pieces of dirt.   While I still think that many are, I now realize that sometimes, things aren’t always as they appear.

As a “separated” husband, I’ve been there. I can’t speak as to why other guys do this, but I know of a few who “single/separated” men who go out there because their wives no longer show them love at home. I also know some that are dogs with loving wives at home.  There is a difference.  I suppose that once a cheater always a cheater doesn’t necessarily apply here.  I don’t think I could cheat on a loving wife, but who knows at this point.

Many men have legit reasons for not divorcing, usually kids or finances. In my case, I still love my wife, but she isn’t in love with me nor cares to talk about it. I don’t want to hurt our kid, so we are cordial in front of him, but she sees me as more of a room mate than a husband now.

This goes deeper than just sex, but intimacy. Many wives fall out of love with their husbands over time and become cold. It’s hard thing to be constantly rejected for sex, and made to feel unwanted, or undesired all while knowing you are trying to do what you vowed to do. It makes us feel inadequate or unworthy.  How did the once loving and giving woman I married become so …. bitchy.    Like know she’s being a bitch but doesn’t care what I think.  Like, not caring how her words or actions make me feel.  I don’t care what you say, a person checking out of a marriage and leaving their spouse in limbo is a recipe for emotional abuse.

Imagine how it feels when the person you vowed to love with all of you cringes whenever you try and kiss them.  Imagine witnessing them pulling away almost instinctively every time you tried to grab them by their waist.  Having to play it off or make a joke so you don’t seem hurt even though it kills you on the inside.   Imagine going for months without sex and always being rejected night after night, no matter how you try to make the day special for her.     Imagine being unable to articulate your feelings of insecurity because well…..she calls you insecure.   Imagine trying to talk about the relationship only to get stonewalled….or worse yet, ignorned for instagram….or worse yet, the silent treatment if you call her out on it.    Writing a letter telling her exactly you feel and inviting her to do the same … only to ask if she read it to hear “uhh not yet”.     6 months later, She never read that damn letter.    Imagine being strung along with lines like she’s on the fence and not sure what she wants all while hoping for your family to work.   For over a year after her affair.

But you love your kid and you just can’t imagine breaking his heart like that.  I’d do almost anything to keep him from feeling that.   Sure I’ll get over it, but what about him.   He loves us both and even prays that “Daddy will move back in soon.”

I still feel guilty for cheating sometimes, but life seems a bit easier since I’m not pressuring my wife for sex or intimacy anymore.  Ironically, in a way, I guess she likes it too even though she hasn’t  really seemed to notice.  It kind of hurts that she doesn’t even notice though.

My “friend” makes me feel good though. She’s glad to hear from me and share her day. She made me remember that I don’t suck at sex. She likes hearing about my day and isn’t intentionally bitchy.  She notices and appreciates the hard work I put in the gym.   She encourages me and in a way, it feels like she appreciates the fact that I do take interest in her day.

While i know that I can’t get too attached.  It’s just a fling.  I wish there was a way to let her know how much I appreciate her understanding my situation without sounding like a cornball.   My wife used to do those things.  Eventually, things probably would change with her too.   I’m not expecting much long run from her.  But for now, I’ll just enjoy the moment.  We could end things tomorrow.   I’d hate it, but I’d be ok with it.

Do a google search of “i love, but i’m not in love with my husband” and read the comments in some of these articles. It’s really sad, but eye opening.

I’ve always heard women call men dogs and claim that all of us cheat.   I’m starting to wonder how many of them actually stopping loving their husbands and pushed them out there.   I’d like to think that if she treated me like she cared, I wouldn’t have become like my father.

I also learned you can’t always judge why people do the things they do in marriage.  If my wife ever finds out, I’d like to hope that she realizes that she did push me out there.   Maybe she’d be upset about this secret ‘friend’ if she ever found out.   Oddly, I can’t really say for sure if she’d even really be mad.  How could she?  But she can’t say that I didn’t try.



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