I don’t know why I’m judging it so hard.   I guess it’s part of the process.

She seems so shallow and superficial to me now.   It’s really hard to see her in a positive light these days.  I mean it’s been a while since i have, but before it was out of hurt and anger.   This is starting to feel like contempt.    I don’t trust her very much.

It seems that we can’t really talk about much of anything unless it’s related to the kid.   She doesn’t do much around the house.   Little to no sex.    We don’t have much in common.   She keeps secrets and pretty much doesn’t tell me much about anything going on in her life.   I catch her in lies, white lies lately, but after all that’s happened they seem significant.

I know that it’s a negative cycle as she probably senses that I don’t really like her all that much anymore.   It’s just so hard when it seems that she embodies everything I don’t like in women.

The Reality TV watching,  ‘Doing it for the Gram’, ‘Living my best life’, ‘Beard Game Matters’, I love “traveling”(aka vacationing), and snapchat selfies are all things about certain women that I’ve come to loathe.   It’s a real turn off when a woman is always on her phone.  I don’t like Niki Minaj as a person.  I don’t really care for all the b.s. pop hip hop that’s shoved down our throats on the radio.

It’s like all of the media programming has infected her and turned her into this fake wanna be housewives of love and hip hop honey.   Worrying more about how she looks in the gym than actually working out.   I don’t have a problem with occasionally indulging in this, but when it becomes an all day every day thing, it really bothers me for some reason.

It all seems so superficial and fake.   Perhaps in another context it’s just girls being girls and having fun.   TBH, I don’t know too many women in their 30’s into this at this point in their lives.  It’s a red flag and I think I’d avoid women into that.  I wouldn’t like them and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like me either.   But I’m wondering in her case, is it a phase, a mid life crisis, or maybe she’s still trying to find herself.

This isn’t who I married.   Or perhaps it was and she was trying to suppress it in order to keep me happy.  Now that the ‘thrill is gone’ in marriage, she can try out all of those things.  I never thought it was a part of her.    It might explain how things went off the rails as bad as they did.

I suppose she’s right and we are on different pages now.   I mean I don’t know how, if we can, or even if I want to see if we can fix things.   I hate it for our kid though.  Even if I never find anyone else, I don’t know if I can keep doing it with her.  She’s not my type anymore.     I’m pretty sure she has a list of complaints about me as well.

It’s so weird how you can love someone with your whole heart one day, expect changes and be willing to deal with them, and want to spend the rest of your life with them….only to in a few years really dislike them as a person.

I can’t change her, nor would I want to.   She’d regret it and probably end up despising me for it in the end.   I’m just not one of the ‘cool’ kids.   I never was, nor did I think she was or desired to be.   That’s one of the reasons I fell for her.  It felt like ‘us’ against the world.   We were rebels against ‘system’.  We were the punk rockers against the mainstream.   We could both easily fit into the mainstream, but chose to rebel against the fakeness and bullshit of it all.   I thought we both saw past the facade.

But now it’s like she wants to be like a generic 20 year old women so bad.    I wouldn’t judge her so hard if I wasn’t so close.  Knowing me,  I’d try to screw her if she showed enough interest, but I probably not wife her.   We’re just so different now.

At this point, we’ve both done our dirt.   Neither of us seem to really care about fixing things and both are in it for the kid.   We both love him and I know that for sure.  She’s a pretty woman, I’m sure someone will want to wife her if she wants that.   Perhaps he can bring the best out of her in a way that I can’t seem to anymore.

I’ve read that marriages go through phases like this.   But tbh, I’m tired of trying and giving my best.  Rejection hurts, I am human after all.    She put me in a position where I cannot chase her even if I wanted to.    I would have to be so fake while swallowing my pride.    I don’t even know what she’s attracted to anymore.   I thought she liked my ‘intelligence’, my looks, my heart, and my uniqueness.   But apparently, not anymore.

Perhaps she’d like me if I rocked a NY fitted, copped some Jordans, grew a beard, and started talking about how much money matters over everything.   Maybe if I threw on some skinny jeans, a tight tee, and financed a BMW she’d fall back in love.

I’m not as confident with her anymore.   Obviously I want to put the blame on her for this.  For the life of me, I still cannot see what I did so wrong as to make her 180 like that.   I’ve asked, I guess too late though because once she checked out, she was gone.   I haven’t seen her since, but I have seen glimpses here and there.

The only explanation have come from red pill literature.   While I’m still not 100 percent sure that it applies to ALL women just yet, i’m pretty sure it explains her.   I was just too nice to her.   I was too accomodating.  I loved her too much.    I didn’t demand enough of her.    I was just too nice.   Now it’s probably too late.  But I’m ok with that.  I don’t really like who she’s become anyway.

I feel bad for our son though.   It hurts me so much to think that we are taking him though this.   But dammit man, if i can’t trust her, then how in the hell am I supposed to live.   I don’t want him growing up thinking it’s ok for a woman to treat him with anything less than respect.   I don’t want him loving a person with his heart who could care less about his feelings.

I mean it’s one thing to love a person through their flaws and try, but another when that person is a liar, emotionally abusive, aloof, and cares more about their image than you.     They say that both parties share blame in the breakdown of a marriage.  While that might be true, it does take both wanting and trying to fix it in order for it to work.

At what point to I realize that the horse is dead and when do I get tired of trying to beat it.   I think my arms are getting tired.