Not always Black and White

I’ve always thought that there was never a good excuse to cheat on your spouse….ever.  If things were so bad, it would be better to be honest and either fix it or  divorce.   The dishonesty, hurt, and subsequent fallout would be so bad that it just wasn’t worth it.

I also never really had the desire to cheat.   As with many marriages, the amount of sex I had with my wife dropped yearly until it nearly disappeared.  We went from several times a week, down to a few times a month, down to maybe once a month, and now probably quarterly.   Before her affair, I was willing to deal with the decline in sex as I thought it might have been a phase and it seemed really selfish to break up my family over the lack of sex.

Kids add a whole different dynamic into the mix.   I can’t stand to see my kid hurt over us splitting.   I was willing to stay with and live through the humiliation, pain, and heartbreak of an affair.    The type of affair where it’s” I really don’t care that you know, and it’s your fault because you keep digging type.”  The type where they are constantly texting in front of you and the kids.    The type where the other gets an ego boost out of fucking and controlling another man’s wife.

But equally is the fact that now that the affair is over, the sex still hasn’t come back.   When we do have sex, it’s not nearly as good as it used to be.   A weird selfish, and kind of humiliating if I’m honest.  I get to watch her masturbate and can only kiss her where she tells me to.   If I’m lucky, I can finish in her.   Not my proudest moments in life, but horniness, lack of intimacy, and emotional abuse can make you do some weird things.

She claims to not care if I cheat as long as she doesn’t find out about it.   So I did and as in most ‘honeymoon’ phase of relationships, it’s amazing.

This has led me to some interesting conclusions:

Because I’m pretty sure we’re not going anywhere, things seem a lot easier.   There really is a difference having sex with someone who desires you back sexually.   I’m pretty freaking good.   I had lost my confidence for a minute there, but it’s pretty awesome to know that I can give multiple orgasms.

I don’t know, but my wife doesn’t seem to be with anyone right now.   She still doesn’t want sex and hasn’t seemed to notice that I don’t really come on to her like that anymore.   I am starting to notice a lot of things about her personality that downright annoy me.   I do realize that this could be because of easy going fun nature of the other relationship.   I also know that according to redpill literature and experience, this will most likely change over time.    Women are much funner and easier in the beginning, but over time, they usually get harder to deal with.   Fortunately, I’m versed on how these things work or else I could have found myself easily getting caught up in my feelings with AP.

The things that annoy me is her sudden desire to be on social media all the time, wear makeup,  and be like ‘normal’ women.   It’s as if she’s suddenly wants to be like a reality tv show / social media model.   The desire to wear makeup, plastic surgery, and go on expensive ‘vacations’ and all.    She never expressed those desires before and tbh it’s something that attracted me to her in the first place.    As her husband, I have to accept those changes, but if she takes one more selfie instead of actually working out in the gym, I might toss a weight at her.

I don’t know if it’s because she hasn’t pulled anyone yet, but she seems to be nicer to me.    I appreciate it, even if there is no sex.   She hasn’t explicitly said that she wants to try and work on things.    I mean the next attractive guy that gets her attention could probably get her to cheat.   She doesn’t seem to get it.   But she is way meaner to me when she’s attracted/emotionally invested in someone else.    I mean disrespectful and negligent as hell as if she wants to hurt me.

I hate to hurt my family, but I know I should really be looking for better.   I really don’t want to hurt my son and on a certain level I have learned to accept her.   I don’t want to break up my family.   But shit’s all fucked right now.    Why can’t some women just not be bitches?   How can you be a bitch, know you’re being a bitch, and then just want to keep being it….even if doing so is destroying everything?  Being a bitch is NOT cute nor cool.   It’s like being a bully for real.    Strangely enough, I can talk shit about her in an anonymous blog post, but in real life, people would never guess that she acts so damn evil to me.   Not all the time of course and we often do get along pretty well.

I know that I am wrong for doing what I do.   I supposed no one is holding a gun to my head.   But some betrayed people need to realize that you can’t just treat your s/o any way and expect them to stay faithful.   They may only be with you because of the kids.

I mean how stupid would I be if I treated her like crap, had an affair, betrayed her, came back, didn’t give her sex,  didn’t communicate my needs, shut down on her whenever she tried to talk about it, continuously lie about the nature of my ‘friendships’, put my female ‘best freind’ over her feelings, and then tell her that I don’t care if she cheated as long as I didn’t find out.

I couldn’t possibly in my right mind expect her not to cheat.  Especially if I know she put up will all of my shit for the sake of the kids.       Or am I tripping?   Am I just saying this to justify my behavior?   Possibly, but I do suspect that there are many instances where one spouse does push the other to go out there.    And that’s where I learned that when it comes to affairs, things aren’t always as black and white as they seem.

I do know that this can’t go on forever.   But maybe she really doesn’t care and I guess that things will just be whatever for now.   I really gotta get over this need to not hurt the kid.    It’s not even like I’m really that attracted to her like that anymore.   There are so many single women that are prettier (she is pretty though), nicer bodies,  more compatible, smarter, you name it.    This is how I KNOW it’s really about the kid.

I would have gladly died to protect and defend my family, but the question now is if enduring the abuse, getting my hands dirty, and being humiliated worth it?   I know that people will read this and probably flame me for it.

I’m ok with that.   I do think that there is a distinction between the types of cheaters.   I do believe that you can actually push someone out there.  As human beings, we have needs, not just physical.   Even though those are important too.   I still don’t condone cheating on someone who treats you well or at least attempts to.   I think you have to be careful in determining if you’re looking for excuses or if you’re actually justified.

In a way, I feel better and it would be easier to forgive now.   But now I am feeling a little guilty because she is actually treating me nicer now.   Being true to her word, she hasn’t asked anything or even gave off any clue that she suspects anything.    Still though, I’d be pissed if she started dealing with someone else I think.

As for AP, she’s awesome.  She listens to me and is interested in what I have to say.   She’s submissive without being a pushover and she is into me.   She does know about the wife and she believes me.   She even takes her side sometimes, but I haven’t given her the grimiest details of the whole ordeal.   They’d probably be pretty good friends irl.  She claims that she’s rooting for us.    I know what she means even though I don’t believe her literally.     I’m pretty sure she won’t have a problem finding someone.  I just hope that he treats her well and if she’s all that she’s advertising, knows that she’s a pretty good catch.    It would probably be hard to let her go, but I’d rather her take a chance on possibly finding the right someone than being stuck with me in my situation until I can figure it out.

Of course these are my rose colored, honeymoon glasses talking.   If I were in a space where I wanted a real relationship, I’d be all in.   But as it is,  I just have to remember to enjoy the moment and learn not to hold on to it with her.   My wife and I started out similarly, so while I do miss and appreciate these things, I do realize that they never seem to last forever and you really never know who emerges on the other side of new romance.   We’re just friends and she’ll never really know how much she helped me through this.   Sex, intimacy, friendship, the ability to be real and having each other’s best interests at heart is a great thing.  I really missed that.   But we both know it’s too early to determine if this is anything more than a fling.   Plus I like it like that.  No pressure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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