Last Place

This nice guy/good guy finish last is really real out here.    You seriously have to be a freaking asshole.   Not in the sense of cursing women out and treating them badly (although I hear it does actually work), but in the sense of being dishonest, lying, and apologizing later.

If i hear one more woman tell me that I’m a good guy, I might just body slam her to make a damn point.   If I tell them that good guys aren’t attractive to them, they look at me as if I have a damn horn growing out of my forehead.

Now that I’m separated, I’ve been able to get a few dates with a few women.    I’m a pretty personable person in person.   I’ve been told that I’m funny, smart, pretty good looking, but also, a good guy.   When asked why I’m separated, I’m honest and tell them my story…..well parts of it as i don’t want to throw my wife under the bus so to speak.

While at first, they acted ‘horrified’ to hear what happened, as I should probably expect at this point, I don’t shit on my wife or portray her to be a horrible person. I make her human.    I just explain that while it did hurt a lot, we are all human and make mistakes or bad decisions sometimes.   That I do realize that it probably wasn’t her intention to hurt me so bad.   That I do think that she’s a pretty decent person, though not the Angel I once thought she was.    And that while I still don’t understand or excuse her behavior, I forgive her and will always have love for her.    But as of now, she’s still on the fence about things and I’m not sure if I trust or want to trust her anymore.  That she says that she “loves, but isn’t in love with me”, and we’re just trying to figure out where to go from here as we do have love for each other.   That for now,  I’m just doing me.    I’m really surprised at how they just take my word for it, but then again, I do try to be as balanced as possible.

The number one reaction after all that is something along the lines of….”Awww, I wish I had someone who loved me like that.”    Some even tell me that I should or I am going to give her another chance.  That I should stay, be patient, and hang in there for my family’s sake.    Sure there is some flirting and a few shenanigans that take place, but still, it feels as if they are placing me in that ‘nice guy’ category as they get to know me.

I wonder if it’s a test to see how likely I am to go back.   I really can’t say and I really am torn on the issue.   I let them (one in particular) know my struggle and while she respects me as a person and hopefully a friend…

It’s starting to feel as if the attraction is fading towards me.    And that is the dilemma that I’m facing.   I get that on one hand, they’d want to ‘protect’ their hearts.   On the other, it’s why nice guys finish last.   I’m not a nice guy though. I mean technically, I am cheating.   Technically, I do want sex and I make don’t make it a secret.

I don’t expect attraction just because I treat her with respect or keep it real for real.   It just sucks to have her lose attraction because of it.  How ironic is that on one hand, they respect me more, but lose attraction in that process, but on the other, it feels that my wife respects me less and lost/loses attraction because of it.   Shit, i can’t win.

In my mind, the difference between a ‘good’ guy and a ‘fuck’ boy is that a ‘fuck’ boy will lie, gain her heart, and then pretty much use her for what he wants.   I want to use her for what I want (sex, friendship, ego gratification, and companionship), but at least be real about me, my situation, and what it is.

I know it’s the “righter” thing to do to put it all out on the table, but it seems that I lose out in a way.   Forget all that they’re talking.  Maybe the “real” pillow talk shouldn’t be had.   I should just focus on the fun and not get into details anymore.   Why should I care if they think of me as a ‘bad’ guy or a manipulative bastard.   The end result would be pretty much the same anyway.   In fact they’d lose respect on a certain level, but probably end up disgustedly attracted if the shit hits the fan.    Perhaps the pillow talk should be played as a trump card.

Women are complicated.  Why do you have to hurt them in order for them to stay attracted?   Maybe I’m not really as much of a man as I thought because of how much I care…if that makes sense.  It’s like too much mercy (or concern for others over myself) is a bad thing for real.   I know it sounds pious, self righteous, and like i have a martyr/savior mindset.   Perhaps I do.   I’d probably score pretty high on the empath scale.  I can’t help it.

I’m too good.  Not good as in better than others, but too good as in too goody two shoes when it comes to treating people how I’d like to be treated.    I’ve heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I overstand that on a different level now.  In the end, I am a bit of a narcissist in that i do want love, attention, affection, and sex, regardless of the cost.  Despite my wife’s cheating, affair, and subsequent betrayal, I am now technically cheating and looking for sex and companionship outside of my marriage instead of trying to end or fix it.

Despite me wanting her to want it….me not wanting her to want it out of guilt….my fear of opening my heart up until i feel she can show me that she wants to try…..   It makes me just as guilty as her.  I’m not taking responsibility for MY actions and am putting it all on her.  But isn’t on her in a way?   I mean she’s the one who wants to ‘keep her options open’.  The longer she sits on the fence about things, she holding the door open for someone to come in and steal my heart completely (and I get it in a way if she just doesn’t love me like that anymore).   It is a risk she’s willing to take, but yet when it comes to marriage, i’m supposed to be patient and long suffering…..as the example Christ Jesus gave to us(the church, His bride, so to speak).  How much can I really say that I love my family if I can’t wait.   How much am I really trusting in God if I’m not willing to endure.

Am i being a fool for waiting, a coward for not forcing her to make a decision, submissive by not leading by example, a sucker for allowing this to happen twice.  Petty for doing things behind her back(lies by omission).  Respectful for not rubbing it in her face.  Fair for not trying to make her jealous.   Self respectful by taking the steps to forward in a sense.   Or perhaps all of these things.   What should I do?  Keep suffering, wondering, risk resentment.  Keep pushing her.  Chasing when that only pushes her away.

What about my needs?  I can’t lie, it feels really good to feel wanted, desired, and respected, even if I know it’s all superficial for now.   It feels good to not worry about who she’s talking to when I’m not around or who’s texting her.    Or why she’s late or not answering the phone if I call.

To be fair, it does seem that she isn’t doing anything right now with anyone and I even beleive her when she says that her so called “best friend” doesn’t call and text her that much anymore.   She swears they didn’t do anything on that trip.   I don’t believe her even though she does sound convincing.

Or am I just framing this in a way to justify my own behavior as of late.  Either way,  I am no longer a good man in that sense of the word.   I should stop fooling myself.   In reality, honesty does not really make me good in the end.  My actions are wrong though I am justified in being confused.   My intentions are not pure as in the end if I’m honest, I’d rather have a side chick or two while she works through whatever she needs to in order to make a decision.

In the end, I really gotta start looking out for myself more.  As of now, here i sit, the self righteous fool, angry with the world because I can’t decide whether I should put my needs first or last.  Like a sucker assed simp if I put the family first.  Like a hypocrite and a faithless heathen if I don’t.   Like a self righteous martyr if talk about it.    And that no matter which order i decide, i end up feeling or  being guilty either way.

I’m no good guy at all.  Just a pathetic manipulative hypocrite stuck between wanting people to understand my struggle and love me for acknowledging how hard it is.   I talk the talk, but my walk is feeble at best.   I’m that guy who comes to work and barely scrapes by while complaining the whole damn time.    Blaming her while I’m now out here doing the same damn thing.   Using her indecision and past indiscretions as an excuse.    Using my “needs” as justification….as if I was the only person who ever had to endure lack of intimacy, sex, and past humiliations.   As if those things are even really that hard in the scheme of things.    I’m acting like a victim “who overcame” to gain sympathy.   Yup, I’m the quintessential “nice guy” and it is really no wonder why they lose attraction for me the more we talk about this.

Jesus gave His life for me when I was still and am still yet unworthy, yet I call and ask for His mercy every single day.   How can I bear my cross if I’m unwilling to let my ego die for my family.   And yet if she doesn’t love me like that, then how can I hold her hostage to love?

Perhaps I’m wrong for putting me first and wrong for putting her first.   I should put God first and Us second.    In which case, I have to endure for as long as I can.   Shit man, noboby ever said this was going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard.

What a loser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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