Back to basics

After 3 months of separation, I’ve gone out and met a few women who seem to like me a bit.   I’m still trying to find the balance between pursuing without overdoing it.   Acting like I care, but not really caring too much.

It’s really interesting to see and contrast their personality differences.   I can’t lie, there are things that I like about all of them, but I find myself falling into the trap of not finding things that I don’t like.

It feels good to be desired by someone though.  Truth be told, I don’t really have high expectations for any of them.   I’m playing a solid game I believe, not too needy, but pursuing enough to show that I’m interested in more than just being friend zoned.  I’m also applying what i’ve learned about inner game and it seems to be working out pretty good so far.

I also catch myself not teasing enough.   But i have come up with a basic strategy that needs a little tweaking.

The thing is, now my wife is starting to warm up to me a little more.   She doesn’t ‘know’ about the others, but at the same time, I don’t know if she really cares.  She once told me that she didn’t care if i went out and had sex with other women, she just didn’t want to know about it.    I don’t know if she meant it, but she did say it a few times, so I can only take her word for it.

My feelings for her are still very raw.   It’s hard to process how I feel about her at times.   Mostly, I feel that I can take or it or leave it.   Then again, i do feel a bit jealous when I think she’s ignoring my calls because she’s talking to other men.   I’m not sure.

One thing has changed is that I don’t really want to look at her phone.   It’s like I want to know, but then again, I don’t.    We still do things as a family together, but 1 on 1 time isn’t really something we plan for.    In all honesty, many times, I don’t really care too much to try to make things happen for us.   I’m still respectful and try not to text anyone in front of her, even though, i find myself starting to ‘sneak’ and do it in front of my son.

I think the biggest thing at this point is the fear of losing the potential of us getting back together.   While it might not be the worst thing in the world as I once feared, it still sort of bothers me.   I fear that I’ll regret not forgiving her and at least trying to fix things while I have a chance.   Not that I’d know exactly how to do this with her anyway.   But still.  I do believe that God can ‘order my steps.’

I fear that I’m falling out of love with her, which is a good thing, but at the same time, I wonder if I have it in me to practice what i’ve been preaching this whole time.   That true love is a choice.   I’ve been hurt so badly and I fear opening back up to her on that level.   I just don’t know if I can trust her.   The focus should be on what i think that God wants and He can see me through.  I think he’d want for me to try it again.   It’s also good for our son.   Well only, IF she is willing to be a stand up wife.

I don’t know if I could ever really love her the same again.   I don’t know if i want to.   It’s not a matter of her not being worthy.   Jesus has shown me that I’m not worthy of God’s forgiveness, mercy, or grace, but this is what love is all about.   If I am to love her as I vowed to, I have to do so, regardless how how badly she hurt and betrayed (crucified) me.  The beauty in the story of Christ’s crucifixion is that it is the ultimate love story.

I just don’t trust her.  Plus I’m not sure if she really loves me.   She doesn’t have to be head over heels in love with me, but I just need assurance that she intends and is willing to try to do right by me.

But I should take her actions out of the equation if I am to place my decisions solely upon the direction of God.   I’m no saint though and this is NOT an easy task as I am susceptible to  temptation.

This now becomes the questions of

1)How much do I trust in God.

2)Am I willing to lay my wants down for Him.

3)Am I finally just getting over this or did I ever really truly love my family.  In other words, was it just a matter of my ego being hurt or did I really truly love my wife, marriage, and family?



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