In the day of the independent woman, one has to ask what can we as men bring to the table for our women. Historically, we were the protectors and providers. We set the direction and tone of the relationship. In return, they were tasked with doing the domestic work, raising the children, and making sure that we were satisfied physically and emotionally. Women were financially dependent on the man and therefore he had much more say and power over her. Added to the fact the divorce was very much frowned upon, women had a lot of incentive to comply.
The rise of the independent woman has changed things.
Today, most households have both parents working in order to bring in money for a lifestyle. Increasingly, especially in the black community, women make more money than their men. Expectations now have to be re examined. We are in new territory here.
Ideally, one would think that if a woman worked more often or contributed more finances to the relationship, then the man should contribute more to the domestic roles. If both parties are working to provide resources to the household, it would only make sense that both share a more equal role in the domestic work as well. It’s basically just doing what needs to be done for the sake of the family and relationship. The traditional gender roles become much more fluid. There may be times when the man has to cook, clean, take the kids to soccer practice while the woman is at work. Or you might split those duties based off the work schedules or to take turns relieving the other.
While in theory it should work. I find that many women these days find it hard to respect a man who habitually takes on domestic roles. While being that guy who splits cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid duties, while holding down a 9 to 5 might look like a nice social media meme, women lose attraction to those men who do it too much.
We both contribute different amounts in different ways, but it all goes towards the goal of building a life that satisfies us as well as our family.
Unfortunately, two things work against us men when we try to take this on. First, our women lose attraction for us.
Many black women find it hard to submit to their men already. Even more so when they lose attraction. How much harder is it when society says it’s ok to divorce simply because your aren’t as happy as you think you should/could be. When if leaving, she’s already guaranteed child support and if he is significantly more wealthy than her, alimony. Being the good guy and standing on your prinicples (if equity and fairness are your principles) causes them to find you boring. Being stable, reliable, and fair are great qualities, but it doesn’t really provide the drama or excitement that a lot of women crave.
In addition, I don’t think that most women understand that generational wealth is more than just finances. It’s also wisdom, tradition, memes, lessons, memories, relationships and other intangibles. I’m able to teach my son so much more than my father taught me and hopefully, he’ll be able to fill in the gaps of what I missed and pass it on. Those things take generations and is a way to live on through more than just your dna.
A lot of women don’t seem to understand that being a provider is much more than just providing money. We as men also provide the discipline, patience, and structure. As Christians, we are commissioned by God to be the spiritual leaders of our homes. We are responsible setting the tone and direction of the relationship. That’s hard to do when your wife doesn’t know how to submit, is rebellious, and doesn’t respect your position.
In the end, I think that feminism has a lot of women confused. It told them that women don’t have power. In reality, a woman already had too much power. She has the power to lift up her man or destroy him. She has the power to make a good man better or worse. But I digress. The patriarchy kept that power in check. Today’s women are being corrupted as that check is being rapidly removed due to the rise of women’s independence of which black women seem to be at the forefront.
Unfortunately, black women tend to be selfish and short sighted when it comes to building things outside of themselves. They prefer swag over character. Smooth talk over hard work. The superficial over the substance. Now they are given the power to have kids with dudes who don’t take care of their other kids just because he has charm. They make a lot of bad decisions due to allowing their emotions to overcome their morals and common sense. Call them out, then your a chauvinist or bitter.
But ask if they are attracted to “bad boys” while put off by men who would make good fathers and husbands, they’ll tell you overwhelmingly yes if they ‘re honest. Society keeps giving them passes and excuses, while also giving them more praise and power. So why should they change? In short, no one holds them accountable for the personal bad choices they make on one hand, but they all get credit for the good things that others do. In their view, they cannot ever be wrong, let alone corrected. They will often resort to new agey ideas like “my truth” being a reasonable substitute for “the truth”.
This means that we have to adapt or face the destruction of the middle class black family. Given the single household and divorce rate(70% filed by women), it seems that we are rapidly racing towards the latter.
In today’s society, we have to ask. What are the women bringing to the table. Looks and finances isn’t enough if we’re trying to build something. It’s ironic that they bring their best dishes to men who don’t care about those menu items: Loyalty, intelligence (not just book smarts), morals, and the ability to submit without being a doormat while pretty much bringing their appetites to the table with men who they could actually build with.
Good men have to learn to manipulate their emotions like the bad boy without violating our own personal values. It’s work. Is it even possible to play with the pigs without getting dirty?
The bible says that finding a wife is a good thing and a blessing from God. I wonder if it really was actually trying to say that finding a woman with wifey qualities is a blessing.
Or is there something that a man guided by principles are mistaken in. Perhaps as men, we shouldn’t really be looking for romantic love to begin with. Perhaps it isn’t natural for a man to be ‘in love’ with one woman and just be satisfied with her. Maybe this is why women aren’t attracted to/ lose attracted to men who actually ‘love’ them. This isn’t biblical teaching though. It shouldn’t be that way, but perhaps this is just another manifestation of the fallen world we’re living in.