Live more, Love Less

It might be messed up, but I’ve been thinking that I’d much rather have a woman love me more than I love her.   In fact, I’d rather have several women to love me while I don’t really ‘love’ them back like that.

It surely has to be awesome for your ego to know that these women are crazy about you while you could care less if they left or not.    The power you’d have over them would be amazing and you could actually maximize it to it’s fullest because you didn’t love them back.   While the intention wouldn’t be to hurt them, at the end of the day,  you could pretty much get away with anything.    Not only that, the more that you drag them through things, the more they’d feel they invested and the harder it would be for them to break up with you.

Their desperation to be with you would empower you.   Knowing that you could hurt them badly by your actions would boost your confidence through the roof.  Of course, them expecting and investigating ‘fair’ treatment might annoy you, but at the end of they day, you’d know they weren’t going anywhere.   You’d always have the “I’m sorry, I was wrong” trump card to could play.  If you wanted to milk more out of the situation.

How much more of a boost if she were physically attractive?

This is how I know that my wife doesn’t really love me enough.   She has too much power and exercises it way too much.   I would never have treated her the way she treated me.    I’m still here because I cared and loved her.  I forgave her because I wanted her too much.   In the end, I lost my self respect.   I should have recognized the signs that I was into her more than she was into me before we got married and had a kid.   Apparently, marriage and kids won’t change that dynamic.   At least it didn’t for me.

To be honest, I’m tired of giving my all to women who don’t reciprocate.    I want a woman who loves me more for a change.   On everything, from my beliefs, research, and experience, the only way to have this is to be selfish AF.   I can’t be a good or nice guy who actually cares for real for real.

I’ve never heard of a woman who was actually crazy about a good guy.   They actually ‘love’ the guys who they know are no good for them.   They may LIKE the nice guy who puts her first, but they LOVE the selfish guy who considers himself first.   Putting myself first is such a foreign concept that I don’t know if I can do it without trying.  I’m not really sure how to do it.

I’m such a team player.   A pussy.   I’ve been conditioned to want to lay a red carpet out before my woman.    It’s as if I assume she deserves it before she earns it.   Like she’s a queen or something just because she’s cute or has a pussy and is giving me attention or affection.    I’m learning that that’s a complete turn off for women.  Not only does is reek of desperation, it’s also what MOST nice guys do anyway.   It’s not like I’d be the only simp out there doing this.   It’s also boring to her.

I pledged everything to my wife,  my love, devotion, fidelity, life, and honestly she didn’t do anything but show up to earn it.   I sold out for cheap and so it’s really no wonder it’s of no value to her.   She didn’t have to sacrifice anything to get it.   Perhaps it’s why she is so merciless to me when it comes to bullshit she’s on.   How could she respect me.     Even moreso now that I’m still coming around hoping that she’d have a change of heart.   At the end of the day, all I expected was reciprocity,  I gave her grace when she screwed up, but enough is enough.    She didn’t love me like that to begin with.

If I truly want to teach my son how to be a man, I have to lead by example.   I wouldn’t want this for him, even if he did have a family.   It’s too late this point in the game to be selfish with her.  I mean I gotta figure out how without affect our son too much.   Mostly out of self respect as I don’t really care if we get back together or not.   If we do we do, if not then not.

Even if it did work, I don’t know…. knowing that she never even gave us a chance to fix things before betraying me and then doing it so coldlessly, effortlessly, and mercilessly, makes me unsure if I could ever really forgive her.   Let alone trust her for real for real.  Loyalty or lack there of is huge deal breaker for me.   In fact, she doesn’t really love me like that if she could do such a thing and I really need that from my wife.

We could argue, fight, complain, yell, maybe even cheat, but at the end of the day, never betray or sell one another out for someone else.   Even if she could cheat, she would truly apologize profusely because she knew she went ‘way out of bounds’.  She would be really hurt that she hurt me so deeply and would be afraid of losing me over that.    She would never humiliate me to fulfill a sexual fantasy for her affair partner.   She would respect herself, her son, and her son’s father (me) enough to tell that dude to kick rocks for trying her like that.    I mean she really let dude shit on all of us (including herself) when she did that.    Unfortunately, she still doesn’t get it.

I’ll take this lesson and say that while I don’t think I’ll ever get married again, IF an that’s a big IF I ever try the romantic love thing, I know to make sure that she loves me more than I love her.

The test would be to ask myself, ” If she caught me cheating, would she leave me.”  If the answer is “probably not”, then we might have something.   On the other token, I need to be honest with myself and ask if I would ever give her a pass for cheating on me.   If the answer is “probably”, then I need to leave her ASAP.   It would mean that I love her too much.

As my body heals from the poison of her love, I feel myself getting stronger and stronger.  Hopefully I’ve gotten over the worst part of getting over her, I can still feel a few pangs here and there, but I gotta keep moving on.    Hopefully no more setbacks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sober Loser

I get why she wants to be out of our marriage.  The truth is that I’m lame and a loser.   I’m a good but somewhat serious guy.   I find it hard to have witty conversation.  I can have a pleasant conversation,  but it’s not fun.   If I were serious and wealthy, then maybe it would be worth considering.   If I were funny, then it would be worth it.   But at the end of the day, she’s a fun person and I’m sort of a stick in the mud.

We have too many awkward silences.  Too many pauses.  I don’t respond with funny one liners and comebacks enough.  She’s heard all of my best stories.   I don’t really have too many new ones.   I can make interesting conversation at times, but mostly we don’t really have much to talk about.   We don’t have that spark/chemistry anymore where we can just talk all day about nothing.  What is banter again?

It makes things boring and dull for her.  Everything is just business or small talk.   Or serious political spiritual or  philosophical topics.  And lately, I’ve been bitching about her ‘entertaining’ other men.   The guys in her family are pretty funny and always have stories and laughter going.   I mean they might be a bit degenerate for their ages, but they are fun to be around (granted they are usually under the influence of something when I see them).

I don’t know if this is a trait that I can develop.   Women are attracted to that the most I’ve noticed.  It seems that personality to women is what looks is to men.   They often CANNOT resist a guy with a great personality.

This is why I’ve always struggled in that department.  I’ve always wanted to be funny.   But for some reason, I’m not.   I have decent looks, decent amount of intelligence (both books and street), and I can “talk the talk” very well.   I fit in wherever I go and I dont’ stand out as weird.    But in the end, it isn’t enough to keep someone interested for long.

I’m not an ugly dude looks wise.  I’d say about a 7 maybe 8 when I clean up.   But if personality were looks, I’d probably be about a 3.  Maybe a 4 (solid 8 or 9 drunk though).  Finances, I’d say about a 5 or 6.     TBH, that said, I’m not much of a catch.  I mean I am faithful, loyal, dependable, and I do help around the house.  I’m great with our son.  I think she likes those things about me, as a father for our kid, but just not as a husband to her.   She doesn’t desire me.   She thinks, and probably could do better as far as finding someone better for her.

I’d actually be pretty lucky to be with her.   I mean she’s a typical woman and personality wise, it doesn’t really matter too much.  In fact she can be submissive and isn’t argumentative.  Women don’t really have to be funny.   Just not too serious.    So she has me beat there.    She looks pretty good for her age.   She’s not overweight or anything and has a naturally pretty face.  I’d say a solid 8.   She has a great job.   Doesn’t appear to be materialistic as far as buying luxury bags and stuff.   She also loses herself for whoever she’s with at the time, so it’s a bonus for guys trying to get with her.  Overall, a pretty good catch.     As long as you meet her criteria.

I think that if my personality were better, she’d be more interested in staying with me.   Perhaps my ego,  insecure about the fact that I am lame, don’t have much swag, wanted to protect me from the reality of this is why she isn’t happy with me.

In fact, I was mostly drunk (bachelor life)  when I met her.  I’m pretty dope when I’m on drugs and/or been drinking.  I go from zero to hero and honestly believe I can pull almost any woman.  We have fun times when I’ve been drinking, but sweet times when I’m sober.   Seriously, most of my success with women come from talking while under the influence. I don’t struggle with what to say.  I just seem to know it.  Sober, I’m sitting there second guessing half of the shit.   The difference is noon and midnight.

But I cannot sustain that.   It’s expensive, bad for my health, and in a way, cheating.   I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a weirdo or too awkward when I’m sober, I’m just not as attractive or fun.   I’ve always been that way and I don’t know if I can change.

Perhaps I drove her to this.  I wasn’t being the real me.   I should have had the foreknowledge to know that she didn’t fall in love with me, but the drunk me.

I really wish there was a way I could change myself.  I hate the fact that I’m not witty and charming and funny naturally.  I know that I can be if I’m drinking, so it is possible.  But what’s holding me back when I’m sober?

Well, I can’t really be mad.  I want her to live her ‘best life’.  It’s not fair for her to be meeting my requirements and me not meet hers.  She would have to really love me for that.   If I thought I could do better, would I be happy if she wasn’t meeting my basic requirements for a few of my criteria on a minimum level?

I won’t be cucked though for something that I can’t seem to help.

 

 

I wish my Dad told me

My dad is the quintessential sociopath with narcissistic tendencies.   His big three flaws are that 1)he cares about himself/image more than others 2)he lacks empathy 3)he’s ok with lying to people.   He doesn’t really get it.  He’s a hypocrite, liar, and really doesn’t seem to care if his pursuit of ‘happiness’ hurts others in the process.    He won’t take responsibility in his role that he played in offending others and if they retaliate, he views their retaliation as an initial offense.  Outwardly, he comes across as an pretty even going, stand up person.  He’s very similar to my wife in that respect.   Perhaps I am paying for his sins.

That said, he probably couldn’t really teach me anything about relationships.   What I got, I got from my mother.   She dealt with his stuff for years, similar to what I’m doing with my wife.   Oddly, my wife knows about my Dad, expressed disgust in his behavior, but yet she does the same thing…..that’s the hypocrisy part.

I suppose that it’s one of the pitfalls of getting with a person like that.   You just never know how they are going to turn out.  Once they trap you with children and a marriage, it’s hard for people like me to just give up on making them want a family.   My mother wanted a family so badly, a father for me (and my siblings) in the home, that she put up with his bullshit for most of their 30 something year marriage.   In the end, he ended up leaving her for yet another side piece.   She’s still hurt by this and at first, I used to wonder why she found it so hard to move on, but I get it now.   It’s been going on 5 years and she still gets angry and bitter even though she is much better now.

As much as I admire her for that.   In fact, one thing that my dad did do right was to keep me in line as I feared him a LOT.    I most likely would have ended up in the streets because even though I feared punishment by my mom, my dad scared me.    The downside of that is that he wasn’t really all that understanding and any attempt to express myself was met with  a Drill Sergeant like reaction if he didn’t agree.  As a result I learned to just be easy going and not really want anything if it’s met with too much resistance.     So it’s a mixed bag sort of thing.

As much as I am like my mother in that I want a family,  I refuse to be treated that way.   She often expresses remorse that she did for so many years.   I have to learn from her mistake and move on.    No matter how hard it is.  I have to get out of this sunken place.  I have to do this so that I won’t have regrets later in life.   Just like my Dad, she probably won’t change.  She fooled me by her easy going, sweet demeanor.  She’s pretty too.   But in the end, a steak dinner is ruined by a dirty plate.   No matter how tasty the meal looks, a giant horsefly landing on it, makes it disgusting.   Lying and selfishness abandonment of responsibility to our family is a huge horsefly that I can’t get over.   The fact that she doesn’t even feel real shame or remorse that she hurt us indicates that it’s time to be over this post haste.

I’ll never regret what I do for my son, but I do regret that I loved someone with all of me and ended being kicked to the curb like yesterday’s trash.   I thought I could read the red flags.  I had dealt with women in the past and never even considered once marrying them.   In fact, I never even considered marriage.   But I fell and here I am.   Licking my wounds,

While I don’t know that ALL women are like that.  I pretty much have abandoned the idea of a happy family home unit.   It’s too risky to bring kids into this and put them through that kind of pain.  People lie too easily or they can outright change up on you.    Even if she doesn’t care anymore, I do. That’s why it hurts.    But if history repeats itself, it might be all for naught if I choose to deal with it hoping that she’ll change.

I slipped a little back into the sunken place today.  I knew it wasn’t going to be easy getting out, but all I can do is keep prayerful and keep marching towards getting my heart back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting out of the Sunken Place

The Sunken Place is a state of mind in the move “Get Out” where people are under a hypnotic trance.   They have been hypnotized to act and behave in contrast to who they really are.   Their ‘old’ selves are in there somewhere, but it is powerless to overcome their programming.   There are glimpses of them trying to break free, but a ‘trigger’ sound is used to drop them back into that state.

When the protagonist of the movie fell into the sunken state, it was pictured that he was in a dark hole.  The only way he was able to overcome the antagonist in the movie was to stuff his ears with cotton in order to avoid the trigger.

Right now, I’m in the sunken place.   My trigger emotions are the ideas of having my family, having to see my son go through this, and pride and ego.   My faith also has certain elements that can trigger me to a certain degree.  Seeing and speaking to her does this also.    I know intellectually that this marriage is over.   I know that she’s not a good wife for me.   I know that no matter how much I want something, it isn’t always meant to be.   In essense, hope, sinks me right back into the hole.  I really don’t know what else she could do to me at this point to just make me stop loving her.   But loving her is my sunken place.

While I wish it were as simple as stuffing cotton in my ears, the equivalence for me to do this is to basically go dark.   I have to avoid her as much as possible.  It makes things difficult because our lives are so intertwined.   The kid makes it impossible for me to just avoid her all together.

Her inabilty to understand her own nature will make it damn near impossible to sustain a marriage.   She doesn’t understand how her attraction to others isn’t the same thing as loving someone.   A marriage can’t sustain itself that way.  She equates the two.   While I can’t predict the future, I would bet that eventually, she’ll drop him for newer ‘greener’ grass.   But enough on that, for now, I have to get out of this sunken place back to the old me.

I have to lose the hope.  By nature, I tend to forgive fairly quickly and not hold grudges for long.   Intentional disrespect is like the number one thing, I don’t tolerate too well.   Although, I realize I’ve been doing a lot of that with her lately.  I’m so far in the sunken place that there is a large part of me that still wants to work on things in spite of it.

I’ve heard many stories of men who say that once they finally moved on, she wanted to try it again.   That piece of knowledge is a pitfall because I have to make sure that I’m not ‘moving on’ just so she can come back.   It has to be genuine so that if/when she does, I won’t look back.

I have to get out.

I have to take responsibility and avoid the traps that can sink me back down.   I have to stuff cotton in my ears.   Unfortunately, that means that my son will have to suffer the most and I hope that he can recover.   I’ll be there for him, but I have to figure out how not to “be there” as she still does need me for a lot of things.   If she fails, then it affects more than just her.   She has to figure out how to do his laundry, help him with his homework, pay the bills, dinner for him, and everything else I’ve been doing.    I am enabling her and I bring so much to the table that she doesn’t realize.  But she’s using my kindess, patience, dependablity, and ‘love’ against me.  While I don’t think that she thinks that deep into it, I am enabling her.   I am still investing way more than she is.

This is the danger of marrying the wrong person and bringing a kid into the world.    She is the foolish woman in the the book of Proverbs who “tears down her home with her own hands”, “wipes her mouth and says she’s done nothing”, and “doesn’t consider the path of life, not knowing that her ways are unstable.”   Staying with her will bring more suffering,  to both of us.

The bible also gives an answer.  It says, in Eccleisastes 7:26 “I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains.  The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner, she will ensare.”

I have to get out.

 

 

Losing herself

I watched a funny video today where a guy says that his mom treated him like dirt when her new boyfriend moved in.   In it, he said that he learned that women completely lose their minds when a guy is screwing her right.

It seems to be truth.  I mean, my wife used to do crazy things for me when we first started dating like drive 2 hours after she got off work to see me knowing she had to be at work the next morning.

It seems that she is the type that will do anything for a guy she’s feeling at the time.  It makes sense that she plays the ‘game’ so dirty and disrespectfully.  It really does seem like she’s not herself.   Her moral compass goes completely out of the window and she’ll do anything to be with him.   She feels no shame, remorse, regret, or anything for anyone.   It would appear that she has no self respect for herself and so I suppose betrayal isn’t beyond her.

It really makes me wonder if these guys are stupid enough to put their hearts on the line for her.  I mean how can you not think to yourself that if she would do this to her husband…she has a family…..that someday, she wouldn’t do it to you.   No matter how special it seems at the time.  I mean, I married her, so obviously she had me thinking that we had something special.   She’s obviously a liar.  I mean it comes with the territory when you cheat.    Why wouldn’t she just divorce me if things were so “bad” between us?  I mean cheating is in her.   <RED FLAGS>.    I’m pretty sure that there a lot of women who don’t cheat, no matter how tempted.   No matter how ‘unhappy’ she is.

But one thing i will say, that she does love bomb people.   Plus she goes the extra mile if you know what I mean when she is trying to reel you in.  She’s so convincing. It’s a trap though.   So I guess I can understand how people can think that they have the golden tongue, dick, connection or whatever that would make them different.

As I sit here writing this, she’s on vacation down in DR.  An alleged girl’s trip, however I find out later that she actually left for it a few days early.  I had suspicions that her ‘friend’ was going so I called his phone.   Straight to voicemal.   <HURT>.  Bad.  Not as bad, but it takes a lot out of you.

If she can do this, then really, even if he convinces her to leave me, he’s doing me a favor.   I mean, I pray, but I can’t be consistent enough to really say that I want it back.   After ALL of this.   There’s like a glimmer of hope in me that we can get through it, but I don’t know why.  I think I just want the pain to stop.   I mean, unless God changes her heart, I can never trust her.   I’ll always be checking, wondering, who she texted.  I’ll always remember the time she hurt me so bad, intentionally, and wasn’t there for me.    I’ll always remember that she hurt me again after I forgave her.  How cold and heartless she acted even though I was there for her.  How she used me and lied to me directly in my face.  How can I trust her?   Her moral compass appears to be broken….and I don’t think she recognizes it.

Because of this, I don’t know if I really trust her with full custody of our son.   I mean if she loses her damn mind every time she falls for a man.   Then how can I be sure she’ll act in the best interest of him if it conficts with the new guy’s agenda?   She may say that she ‘loves’ him and would ‘never’ allow that.   But she doesn’t realize how wicked she becomes under the influence of a guy.    I’ve heard of mothers turning a blind eye to their daughters being raped or molested by a man.   These women, like my wife lose their damn minds in order to keep a man that they like.   I mean, maybe I’m exagerating, but still, the 180 she does is a cause of major concern for me.

She knows that I’ve always been there for him since birth and that we have a great relationship.   Family and friends often compliment me on how well I do with him.  I don’t do it for that reason, but it does make me proud.   But yet,  she desired to move him 15 hours away so she could live close to her affair partner.  In the middle of a school year.   A week or two before telling him.   I put my foot down and was able to convince her let him stay here, since she didn’t have the logistics about where he’d go to school, aftercare, and it was in the middle of the freaking school year.   But still, how fucking selfish is she for that?  Knowing that issues that black boys/men face when they are raised without their fathers in their lives.

Man, all I can do is sit here and pray for her.   Each day I wake up hoping that the desire to be with her leaves me.  That her venomous love finally works its way out of my system so that I can be clear on where to go from here.      For now, I’m up late again just hanging  out with my old friend Pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do wicked people know that they’re wicked?

All throughout the affair, I often wondered if my wife knew that she was acting in a wicked manner. Sure, i was hurt and I acknowledge that it might have seemed more wicked than it really was.

But at the same time, in the past, it seemed so antithetical to what she seemed to believe that it’s really hard to believe that she didn’t know.

We used to watch the show cheaters and she expressed her disdain for cheaters. She can often identify the immoral behavior on reality tv shows and talks about the nuances in the black and white.

Her excuse of being “unhappy” doesn’t seem to justify her actions. She knows that she didn’t tell me that she was unhappy until after she got caught. She seems so normal on the surface. She still doesnt seem to quite get how fucked up this was. Even if caught up in the affair, how could she not recognize that doing things to humiliate me for her affair partner’s ego gratification was just wicked.

It really makes me worry that i can never trust her. I just don’t know what she’s capable of. If her loyalty can be compromised so fully, then can i really ever trust her again. Whats worse is that she never gave any indication that she could have an affair, let alone betray me the way that she did.

I fell hard for a heartless woman. As sweet as she seemed on the outside, the inside was ultimately empty. I paid dearly for it.

Maybe saying it this way can help my heart catch up to my mind.

Stupid Simp Confessions

After a few days of acting like she loved me.    Well…saying it anyway.   She did it agian.   I didn’t really believe her mentally.  Apparently, my stupid ass heart didn’t get the memo.   Divorcing is going to be hard and expensive.   But I gotta do it.

I’ve been praying for our marriage.   Considered forgiving her.   Considered allowing her to make mistakes as God gives us so much grace.   But my heart can’t take this.    I know God can restore it, but the question is, how long can I hold out.

She just doesn’t care.   I have to wrap my head around that fact that having this family doesnt mean much to her.   I have to get it through to this stubborn heart that she’s checked out.   She can’t respect me at this point.   She doesn’t.  She cheated and had an affair, I fucked up and started acting like a weak, pathetic loser.

Hypergamy wins again.   It’s happened to better men than me, so I can’t really expect much.   I’m just playing myself.  I knew this from jump.   I never want to love again.   Who really wants to love someone genuinely.   Who really wants to open their heart up when love is never enough.

The suffering behind it is too much.  Too risky.   I’m not built for this.   I can’t be cucked.   I refuse.   Even IF I allowed it, what does that say about me.  Why am I so fucking weak?  I don’t love her, I don’t want to love her, she’s proven unworthy so many times.   Please heart.  Stop loving her.   It’s too painful.   It makes me weak and pathetic.   My dignity gone and  I’m lacking self respect.   My confidence is shaken.   My spirit is weary.   Love is a poison that gets you high at first, but leaves you broken.   Listen to my mind my heart and stop being so damn stupid.

The love I need MUST come from THE MOST HIGH.  Not from a person.   Please help me get through this.

 

 

No room for Good men

Empathic men are often lumped into a category with ‘nice guys’.   We’re often seen as weak and feminine.   I’d like to challenge the notion that women are really the more empathetic sex.    Especially in the black community.

Most men are pretty simple creatures.   We are a lot like dogs.   We just want someone to love us, care about us, treat us with respect, and give us sex.    Obviously we want to be attracted to her, but personality points are a huge bonus for us.   In general, if a woman is decent all the way across the board, we can love her.  Most women in the south are fat.   If they’d just hit the gym and stop being so damn difficult, they’d make it so much easier on themselves.

Women on the other hand are complicated.  Their standards for good guys are through the roof.    Especially if she’s decent looking and up.   He must be an entertainer, provider, ambitious, successful, and decent looking.   He must have education, be world traveled (or at least be interested in traveling the world), always confident about everything, have the right things to say, make her laugh often, still be the security, confidant, leader, listener, … etc.   If he drops one ball, then he’s not perfect and because of all the males trying to get at her, he either better tighten up or she becomes miserable thinking  that the better male is just around the corner and he’s holding her back.

Women are ruthless about this.   She doesn’t want a man to exhibit any sort of weakness in any of these areas or else she begins to feel sympathy for him.   She ‘needs’ these things and if a guy can come along and provide one or more of those things her man doesn’t, she’ll entertain him.   She may not have sex, but it really depends on where her man is dropping the ball.    This guy becomes an orbiter and when the inevitable bumps come in, he’ll also be glad to sit there, listen to her ‘problems’ and tell her that she deserves better.

They like thugs because they are fun and will entertain them because of that.   Many don’t realize how powerful sex can be and get emotionally attached.   These guys take their validation by mistreating them and they get stuck with trying to get it back from him.   It’s a fucked up, but effective game and I can’t be mad at it.

Good men often  fuck up because we give them too much validation without making them earn it.   We care too much about what they think about us.   It makes us come across as needy.  Nice guys give way to much validation and expect reciprocity.   It doesn’t work that way with validation.

The danger in thirsty simps and players overinflating women’s egos is now that the expectation for a really good guy is through the roof.   Women literally can’t be satisfied with the average guy.   It really doesn’t matter how well you treat her.   In fact, we’d be better off by going the bad boy route, only we can’t because most of us will bore her with philosophical, self help, markets, sports, or  politics talk.    We’d have to create drama so that we can keep them entertained and you have to ask yourself if it’s really worth it to get her, let alone keep her.

Pickup really seems to be the best thing for the average good guy to learn.   This puts us in a position to get the girl, but not have to worry about keeping her long term.  I don’t if it’s possible to keep any woman happy enough long term unless you’re a millionaire, but even then, you see basketball wives divorcing their husbands every day.  Look at Kevin Garnett.   We just have to be careful understand that she loves us only for our ‘game’ and not really for us.  We can’t afford to fall in love and invest.   I’m not saying to be totally dishonest and lead her on, but often, if you study women long enough, and pickup, you realize that you know women better than they know themselves.

Pickup is the perfect example of how formulaic approaches can work in the majority of women out there.   It shows why a few men get a majority of the women while the average guy is fighting for the scraps.    As men, we have to wake up and realize that we are living in the matrix.  We’ve been taught that women were a certain way, most women still think that they are that way, but in reality, they aren’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is dysfunction the new norm?

I always grew up thinking that cheating and infidelity was just dead wrong.   After hearing personal stories from people, it’s quite common.    In fact, based on my experience, hearing from family, friends, and other sources, I’d guess that most couples that have been together for a long time has faced it.   Reddit even has few forums dedicated to infidelity, adultery, and cheat.  I wouldn’t recommend happily married people to look.  It’s really startling how wide spread and common this is.

These days it’s almost like you have to expect that the person you’re with will cheat on you someday.   It seems like most people don’t think it’s ok,  but almost everyone does it.   I really don’t want to accept this as a new reality.   It makes me really want to go mgtow.   Not saying that I won’t deal with women, but it hurts if you love someone and they cheat.

The stigma for women being sexually permiscuous is falling by the wayside.   TV shows now star women who have multiple sex partners and even a few are now normalizing infidelity as if it’s not really that big of a deal.  Instead of scandalous, it’s more like juicy gossip.

What’s the point in getting in an exclusive relationship when the other person can just go out and have sex with other people.   If you don’t like it, then the rationality is for them to just hide it.  If you have suspicions, then you’re seen as insecure.    Maybe I just have to face facts.   Maybe you can’t really have a home and family these days unless you are ok with your spouse most likely stepping out and cheating sooner or later.

In my culture, men are almost expected to cheat.   A generation ago, pretty much all of my elders, ….uncles, my father, my grandfather, older cousins, cheated on their wives.  It’s been a consistent thing.    The men in this generation doesn’t seem to do it as much or at least i’m not privy to any of my married cousins (my age) cheating.   They all seem to be way more involved with the home than our uncles.   Unfortunately, literally half of them have experienced their wives cheating on them.

Is it a generational curse?  Are we paying for the sins of our fathers?  I feel that way at times.  I saw how much pain and dysfunction my dad caused in my mom due to his ways and vowed not to do my wife the same way.    It’s deeply ingrained in me and even after I did.   (It was during her affair in full disclosure).   I felt and still feel guilty about it.    Even after separation and going out with a few women, I still feel guilty if things get too sexual.   I haven’t actually had sex again, but I’ve come close.  I don’t know if it was self sabotage or it’s God answering my prayers of ‘ordering my steps.’

This can’t be normal.  Is this the modern marriage?   My wife is going on a girls trip this weekend and I almost expect her to hook up with someone.  While I don’t want her to, I can’t control her and even though she claims she won’t…..C’mon, she had no problems with having an affair.  From the texts I read to her side dude a while ago (she says she’d do it again).

Man, I hate to disappoint my son, but I guess that I can’t shield him from the reality that we fucked up.   We’re fucked up.  I love my family and all, but I can’t accept the fact that she thinks that it’s ok to do this secretly.   What if she ends up pregnant or catches an STD?   We already know that good sex/ better sex can make a woman love a man that they KNOW is no good.   I can admit that sex with him might have been better, but I think it was mostly due to the fact that it was new/forbidden/different.  I think if she was cheating with me on him, it would have been the same way since we always had pretty good sex.   Either way, she’s my wife.   I refuse to knowingly be cucked again.  Dammit man, I love my family unit, but she’s fucking it up.

I’m trusting in God.  I’ve been praying for her.  Lately, she started back hugging me when she walks in and telling me that she loves me.  She even talks about future plans and having another kid.   She is present when we speak on the phone.  But she never says anything concretely.  In fact as we were cuddling on the couch, her phone rang, she looked at it at an angle, that I couldn’t see, and didn’t answer it.   Then it rang again with the WhatsApp.  The same app she texts her orbiter male ‘bff’ she cheated with once.   She didn’t answer, but seeing I got pissed, she uses the plausible deniability saying that I’m mad even though I don’t know who called.   When I asked who, she wouldn’t answer me straight.  I left, but she acted like she didn’t want me to go and called several times after I got to my apartment.  What a sicko game.

Deep down, I want to trust in God.   I think that he’s showing me how whenever I sin (watch porn, drink too much alcohol, be lazy….etc.) it’s like I’m cheating on Him.   I do confess and apologize in prayer, but I’m pretty sure He gets tired of me doing that. I’ve been doing better lately though, but still, even once in a while is pretty bad.     Perhaps marriage is a reflection of our relationship with God.   He loves us, we sin, it hurts him, He forgives, we sin again, He hurts because he wants a real relationship, we apologize, we sin again, and the cycle repeats.   He has blessed me in so many, many, many different ways and I KNOW it has to be Him.   Too many coincidences.   All He asks is that I have some self control, do what’s ultimately best for me, and be grateful to Him.  He’ll  do the heavy lifting.

If this is what love is, I don’t know if I’m built for it.   I do want to work on my relationship with Him, but it’s hard to keep extending grace to her.   It hurts because I do love her.   But i’m being humiliated, cucked, and I don’t feel respected.   In my view, I don’t deserve God’s love.    I mess up, but I try.   I’m guilty of not loving her the way I should.   My ego is hurt, forget pride (that’s been gone), my self respect is chipping away.   I didn’t know that this is marriage and that this is love.  How can I keep putting her before myself?

I was always taught that sacrifice and putting others before you was how you love someone.   I think they were wrong, you have to love yourself.   But God laid His life down for us while we were yet unrepentant sinners because He loved us.   He gave us the foundation, but those are some really big shoes to fill.   I have to have faith that he’ll turn our marriage around.  I have to believe that He will give her the light as I work on my relationship with Him.

How hypocritical is it of me to blame her when I’m essentially doing the same thing to the Most High?  In a sense, it’s almost like I love her more that God.   Perhaps that’s the problem.   Especially if love means action, not just a feeling.

I really can’t complain.   I deserve all of this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So much pain

I’m amazed at how much pain one can endure in this life.   I was sort of indoctrinated into a ‘liberal’ viewpoint as a kid, but after recent events in my life, I’ve been leaning towards the the self-reliant viewpoint of conservatives.   While there are many viewpoints that are valid, I don’t think that they go far enough when it comes to how difficult it is to simply ‘pull oneself up by their own bootstraps.’

A lot of people’s problems are pathological.   We have this programming running in our minds and dysfunction is like malware on a computer installed in the background.   This programming often leads to self-destructive or maladaptive behavior.   A few of us may be self reflective enough to realize this, but even then, it’s a struggle to overcome it.

It takes a lot of work to recondition one’s self.   You have to really want it and you also have to know how to do it.   If it really were so simple to decide to be self controlled and self disciplined, wouldn’t we all just do it.   The danger in acknowledging that it isn’t easy is that it gives us excuses to fall back into bad habits or simply accept that it is what it is.

It’s sort of like quitting smoking cold turkey.  When I used to smoke cigarettes, I tried cold turkey and the hardest part was the constant idea that people were always saying how hard it was.   I mean it was hard, but half of the battle is mental.   I could technically go all day without a cigarette, say if I were trying to make a good impression on someone or I was on vacation where i didn’t have access to one and pretty much be ok.    I might want one, but I didn’t fiend for one.  But as soon as I decided to quit, I’d be dying for one by 10 am.

I’m still hurting so bad, but I know that it’s all mental.   If i could just snap my fingers and be ok, I would.   I can imagine what it feels like to no longer feel this way, and feel better in a way.   It’s not instantaneous, but it’s like dialing in to that feeling.   I can hold it for a few moments, but it does take concentration.   It comes back (on a low level) when I get distracted from dialing it in.   It’s almost as if I’m addicted to the pain somehow.

That said, I’ve been dealing with feeling this low level anxiety pretty much constantly for almost two years now.  The discovery of her affair and subsequent betrayals have  affected me in a way that I never knew was possible.  I wasn’t prepared at all for it and it’s much worse than I ever imagined.    I know that my wife can’t fix this and even if she were to start doing all the things that I need her to, I can’t open myself up to trust her.   I can’t go back to that again.     People really damage people when they hurt them like that.   Awareness really should be out there.   Love is no game.   I wish that society would stop excusing adulterers and cheaters.   This is a really serious condition that ruins people.  Lives are ruined.  Productivity lost.   Years of mental trauma ensue.  People commit suicide over this.   Good guys become players.  I don’t know if I can ever trust a woman again.   I mean, I won’t be a douche that cheats, but commitment probably won’t be in the cards for me anymore.   It’s sad, but I am a great father and thought I was a great husband.   But i can’t afford to take another loss like that again.

I don’t hate her.   I don’t think she really gets it.   She can’t feel my pain.   We as men have feelings too and I think that a lot of women think that we are all some emotionless sex craved bots or something.    She may not be the empathetic type and I’m ok with that.  Maybe we don’t need to be together and I could get over that.

I just want to get over this pain.