Live more, Love Less

It might be messed up, but I’ve been thinking that I’d much rather have a woman love me more than I love her.   In fact, I’d rather have several women to love me while I don’t really ‘love’ them back like that.

It surely has to be awesome for your ego to know that these women are crazy about you while you could care less if they left or not.    The power you’d have over them would be amazing and you could actually maximize it to it’s fullest because you didn’t love them back.   While the intention wouldn’t be to hurt them, at the end of the day,  you could pretty much get away with anything.    Not only that, the more that you drag them through things, the more they’d feel they invested and the harder it would be for them to break up with you.

Their desperation to be with you would empower you.   Knowing that you could hurt them badly by your actions would boost your confidence through the roof.  Of course, them expecting and investigating ‘fair’ treatment might annoy you, but at the end of they day, you’d know they weren’t going anywhere.   You’d always have the “I’m sorry, I was wrong” trump card to could play.  If you wanted to milk more out of the situation.

How much more of a boost if she were physically attractive?

This is how I know that my wife doesn’t really love me enough.   She has too much power and exercises it way too much.   I would never have treated her the way she treated me.    I’m still here because I cared and loved her.  I forgave her because I wanted her too much.   In the end, I lost my self respect.   I should have recognized the signs that I was into her more than she was into me before we got married and had a kid.   Apparently, marriage and kids won’t change that dynamic.   At least it didn’t for me.

To be honest, I’m tired of giving my all to women who don’t reciprocate.    I want a woman who loves me more for a change.   On everything, from my beliefs, research, and experience, the only way to have this is to be selfish AF.   I can’t be a good or nice guy who actually cares for real for real.

I’ve never heard of a woman who was actually crazy about a good guy.   They actually ‘love’ the guys who they know are no good for them.   They may LIKE the nice guy who puts her first, but they LOVE the selfish guy who considers himself first.   Putting myself first is such a foreign concept that I don’t know if I can do it without trying.  I’m not really sure how to do it.

I’m such a team player.   A pussy.   I’ve been conditioned to want to lay a red carpet out before my woman.    It’s as if I assume she deserves it before she earns it.   Like she’s a queen or something just because she’s cute or has a pussy and is giving me attention or affection.    I’m learning that that’s a complete turn off for women.  Not only does is reek of desperation, it’s also what MOST nice guys do anyway.   It’s not like I’d be the only simp out there doing this.   It’s also boring to her.

I pledged everything to my wife,  my love, devotion, fidelity, life, and honestly she didn’t do anything but show up to earn it.   I sold out for cheap and so it’s really no wonder it’s of no value to her.   She didn’t have to sacrifice anything to get it.   Perhaps it’s why she is so merciless to me when it comes to bullshit she’s on.   How could she respect me.     Even moreso now that I’m still coming around hoping that she’d have a change of heart.   At the end of the day, all I expected was reciprocity,  I gave her grace when she screwed up, but enough is enough.    She didn’t love me like that to begin with.

If I truly want to teach my son how to be a man, I have to lead by example.   I wouldn’t want this for him, even if he did have a family.   It’s too late this point in the game to be selfish with her.  I mean I gotta figure out how without affect our son too much.   Mostly out of self respect as I don’t really care if we get back together or not.   If we do we do, if not then not.

Even if it did work, I don’t know…. knowing that she never even gave us a chance to fix things before betraying me and then doing it so coldlessly, effortlessly, and mercilessly, makes me unsure if I could ever really forgive her.   Let alone trust her for real for real.  Loyalty or lack there of is huge deal breaker for me.   In fact, she doesn’t really love me like that if she could do such a thing and I really need that from my wife.

We could argue, fight, complain, yell, maybe even cheat, but at the end of the day, never betray or sell one another out for someone else.   Even if she could cheat, she would truly apologize profusely because she knew she went ‘way out of bounds’.  She would be really hurt that she hurt me so deeply and would be afraid of losing me over that.    She would never humiliate me to fulfill a sexual fantasy for her affair partner.   She would respect herself, her son, and her son’s father (me) enough to tell that dude to kick rocks for trying her like that.    I mean she really let dude shit on all of us (including herself) when she did that.    Unfortunately, she still doesn’t get it.

I’ll take this lesson and say that while I don’t think I’ll ever get married again, IF an that’s a big IF I ever try the romantic love thing, I know to make sure that she loves me more than I love her.

The test would be to ask myself, ” If she caught me cheating, would she leave me.”  If the answer is “probably not”, then we might have something.   On the other token, I need to be honest with myself and ask if I would ever give her a pass for cheating on me.   If the answer is “probably”, then I need to leave her ASAP.   It would mean that I love her too much.

As my body heals from the poison of her love, I feel myself getting stronger and stronger.  Hopefully I’ve gotten over the worst part of getting over her, I can still feel a few pangs here and there, but I gotta keep moving on.    Hopefully no more setbacks.










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