Sober Loser

I get why she wants to be out of our marriage.  The truth is that I’m lame and a loser.   I’m a good but somewhat serious guy.   I find it hard to have witty conversation.  I can have a pleasant conversation,  but it’s not fun.   If I were serious and wealthy, then maybe it would be worth considering.   If I were funny, then it would be worth it.   But at the end of the day, she’s a fun person and I’m sort of a stick in the mud.

We have too many awkward silences.  Too many pauses.  I don’t respond with funny one liners and comebacks enough.  She’s heard all of my best stories.   I don’t really have too many new ones.   I can make interesting conversation at times, but mostly we don’t really have much to talk about.   We don’t have that spark/chemistry anymore where we can just talk all day about nothing.  What is banter again?

It makes things boring and dull for her.  Everything is just business or small talk.   Or serious political spiritual or  philosophical topics.  And lately, I’ve been bitching about her ‘entertaining’ other men.   The guys in her family are pretty funny and always have stories and laughter going.   I mean they might be a bit degenerate for their ages, but they are fun to be around (granted they are usually under the influence of something when I see them).

I don’t know if this is a trait that I can develop.   Women are attracted to that the most I’ve noticed.  It seems that personality to women is what looks is to men.   They often CANNOT resist a guy with a great personality.

This is why I’ve always struggled in that department.  I’ve always wanted to be funny.   But for some reason, I’m not.   I have decent looks, decent amount of intelligence (both books and street), and I can “talk the talk” very well.   I fit in wherever I go and I dont’ stand out as weird.    But in the end, it isn’t enough to keep someone interested for long.

I’m not an ugly dude looks wise.  I’d say about a 7 maybe 8 when I clean up.   But if personality were looks, I’d probably be about a 3.  Maybe a 4 (solid 8 or 9 drunk though).  Finances, I’d say about a 5 or 6.     TBH, that said, I’m not much of a catch.  I mean I am faithful, loyal, dependable, and I do help around the house.  I’m great with our son.  I think she likes those things about me, as a father for our kid, but just not as a husband to her.   She doesn’t desire me.   She thinks, and probably could do better as far as finding someone better for her.

I’d actually be pretty lucky to be with her.   I mean she’s a typical woman and personality wise, it doesn’t really matter too much.  In fact she can be submissive and isn’t argumentative.  Women don’t really have to be funny.   Just not too serious.    So she has me beat there.    She looks pretty good for her age.   She’s not overweight or anything and has a naturally pretty face.  I’d say a solid 8.   She has a great job.   Doesn’t appear to be materialistic as far as buying luxury bags and stuff.   She also loses herself for whoever she’s with at the time, so it’s a bonus for guys trying to get with her.  Overall, a pretty good catch.     As long as you meet her criteria.

I think that if my personality were better, she’d be more interested in staying with me.   Perhaps my ego,  insecure about the fact that I am lame, don’t have much swag, wanted to protect me from the reality of this is why she isn’t happy with me.

In fact, I was mostly drunk (bachelor life)  when I met her.  I’m pretty dope when I’m on drugs and/or been drinking.  I go from zero to hero and honestly believe I can pull almost any woman.  We have fun times when I’ve been drinking, but sweet times when I’m sober.   Seriously, most of my success with women come from talking while under the influence. I don’t struggle with what to say.  I just seem to know it.  Sober, I’m sitting there second guessing half of the shit.   The difference is noon and midnight.

But I cannot sustain that.   It’s expensive, bad for my health, and in a way, cheating.   I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a weirdo or too awkward when I’m sober, I’m just not as attractive or fun.   I’ve always been that way and I don’t know if I can change.

Perhaps I drove her to this.  I wasn’t being the real me.   I should have had the foreknowledge to know that she didn’t fall in love with me, but the drunk me.

I really wish there was a way I could change myself.  I hate the fact that I’m not witty and charming and funny naturally.  I know that I can be if I’m drinking, so it is possible.  But what’s holding me back when I’m sober?

Well, I can’t really be mad.  I want her to live her ‘best life’.  It’s not fair for her to be meeting my requirements and me not meet hers.  She would have to really love me for that.   If I thought I could do better, would I be happy if she wasn’t meeting my basic requirements for a few of my criteria on a minimum level?

I won’t be cucked though for something that I can’t seem to help.



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