I wish my Dad told me

My dad is the quintessential sociopath with narcissistic tendencies.   His big three flaws are that 1)he cares about himself/image more than others 2)he lacks empathy 3)he’s ok with lying to people.   He doesn’t really get it.  He’s a hypocrite, liar, and really doesn’t seem to care if his pursuit of ‘happiness’ hurts others in the process.    He won’t take responsibility in his role that he played in offending others and if they retaliate, he views their retaliation as an initial offense.  Outwardly, he comes across as an pretty even going, stand up person.  He’s very similar to my wife in that respect.   Perhaps I am paying for his sins.

That said, he probably couldn’t really teach me anything about relationships.   What I got, I got from my mother.   She dealt with his stuff for years, similar to what I’m doing with my wife.   Oddly, my wife knows about my Dad, expressed disgust in his behavior, but yet she does the same thing…..that’s the hypocrisy part.

I suppose that it’s one of the pitfalls of getting with a person like that.   You just never know how they are going to turn out.  Once they trap you with children and a marriage, it’s hard for people like me to just give up on making them want a family.   My mother wanted a family so badly, a father for me (and my siblings) in the home, that she put up with his bullshit for most of their 30 something year marriage.   In the end, he ended up leaving her for yet another side piece.   She’s still hurt by this and at first, I used to wonder why she found it so hard to move on, but I get it now.   It’s been going on 5 years and she still gets angry and bitter even though she is much better now.

As much as I admire her for that.   In fact, one thing that my dad did do right was to keep me in line as I feared him a LOT.    I most likely would have ended up in the streets because even though I feared punishment by my mom, my dad scared me.    The downside of that is that he wasn’t really all that understanding and any attempt to express myself was met with  a Drill Sergeant like reaction if he didn’t agree.  As a result I learned to just be easy going and not really want anything if it’s met with too much resistance.     So it’s a mixed bag sort of thing.

As much as I am like my mother in that I want a family,  I refuse to be treated that way.   She often expresses remorse that she did for so many years.   I have to learn from her mistake and move on.    No matter how hard it is.  I have to get out of this sunken place.  I have to do this so that I won’t have regrets later in life.   Just like my Dad, she probably won’t change.  She fooled me by her easy going, sweet demeanor.  She’s pretty too.   But in the end, a steak dinner is ruined by a dirty plate.   No matter how tasty the meal looks, a giant horsefly landing on it, makes it disgusting.   Lying and selfishness abandonment of responsibility to our family is a huge horsefly that I can’t get over.   The fact that she doesn’t even feel real shame or remorse that she hurt us indicates that it’s time to be over this post haste.

I’ll never regret what I do for my son, but I do regret that I loved someone with all of me and ended being kicked to the curb like yesterday’s trash.   I thought I could read the red flags.  I had dealt with women in the past and never even considered once marrying them.   In fact, I never even considered marriage.   But I fell and here I am.   Licking my wounds,

While I don’t know that ALL women are like that.  I pretty much have abandoned the idea of a happy family home unit.   It’s too risky to bring kids into this and put them through that kind of pain.  People lie too easily or they can outright change up on you.    Even if she doesn’t care anymore, I do. That’s why it hurts.    But if history repeats itself, it might be all for naught if I choose to deal with it hoping that she’ll change.

I slipped a little back into the sunken place today.  I knew it wasn’t going to be easy getting out, but all I can do is keep prayerful and keep marching towards getting my heart back.









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