Losing herself

I watched a funny video today where a guy says that his mom treated him like dirt when her new boyfriend moved in.   In it, he said that he learned that women completely lose their minds when a guy is screwing her right.

It seems to be truth.  I mean, my wife used to do crazy things for me when we first started dating like drive 2 hours after she got off work to see me knowing she had to be at work the next morning.

It seems that she is the type that will do anything for a guy she’s feeling at the time.  It makes sense that she plays the ‘game’ so dirty and disrespectfully.  It really does seem like she’s not herself.   Her moral compass goes completely out of the window and she’ll do anything to be with him.   She feels no shame, remorse, regret, or anything for anyone.   It would appear that she has no self respect for herself and so I suppose betrayal isn’t beyond her.

It really makes me wonder if these guys are stupid enough to put their hearts on the line for her.  I mean how can you not think to yourself that if she would do this to her husband…she has a family…..that someday, she wouldn’t do it to you.   No matter how special it seems at the time.  I mean, I married her, so obviously she had me thinking that we had something special.   She’s obviously a liar.  I mean it comes with the territory when you cheat.    Why wouldn’t she just divorce me if things were so “bad” between us?  I mean cheating is in her.   <RED FLAGS>.    I’m pretty sure that there a lot of women who don’t cheat, no matter how tempted.   No matter how ‘unhappy’ she is.

But one thing i will say, that she does love bomb people.   Plus she goes the extra mile if you know what I mean when she is trying to reel you in.  She’s so convincing. It’s a trap though.   So I guess I can understand how people can think that they have the golden tongue, dick, connection or whatever that would make them different.

As I sit here writing this, she’s on vacation down in DR.  An alleged girl’s trip, however I find out later that she actually left for it a few days early.  I had suspicions that her ‘friend’ was going so I called his phone.   Straight to voicemal.   <HURT>.  Bad.  Not as bad, but it takes a lot out of you.

If she can do this, then really, even if he convinces her to leave me, he’s doing me a favor.   I mean, I pray, but I can’t be consistent enough to really say that I want it back.   After ALL of this.   There’s like a glimmer of hope in me that we can get through it, but I don’t know why.  I think I just want the pain to stop.   I mean, unless God changes her heart, I can never trust her.   I’ll always be checking, wondering, who she texted.  I’ll always remember the time she hurt me so bad, intentionally, and wasn’t there for me.    I’ll always remember that she hurt me again after I forgave her.  How cold and heartless she acted even though I was there for her.  How she used me and lied to me directly in my face.  How can I trust her?   Her moral compass appears to be broken….and I don’t think she recognizes it.

Because of this, I don’t know if I really trust her with full custody of our son.   I mean if she loses her damn mind every time she falls for a man.   Then how can I be sure she’ll act in the best interest of him if it conficts with the new guy’s agenda?   She may say that she ‘loves’ him and would ‘never’ allow that.   But she doesn’t realize how wicked she becomes under the influence of a guy.    I’ve heard of mothers turning a blind eye to their daughters being raped or molested by a man.   These women, like my wife lose their damn minds in order to keep a man that they like.   I mean, maybe I’m exagerating, but still, the 180 she does is a cause of major concern for me.

She knows that I’ve always been there for him since birth and that we have a great relationship.   Family and friends often compliment me on how well I do with him.  I don’t do it for that reason, but it does make me proud.   But yet,  she desired to move him 15 hours away so she could live close to her affair partner.  In the middle of a school year.   A week or two before telling him.   I put my foot down and was able to convince her let him stay here, since she didn’t have the logistics about where he’d go to school, aftercare, and it was in the middle of the freaking school year.   But still, how fucking selfish is she for that?  Knowing that issues that black boys/men face when they are raised without their fathers in their lives.

Man, all I can do is sit here and pray for her.   Each day I wake up hoping that the desire to be with her leaves me.  That her venomous love finally works its way out of my system so that I can be clear on where to go from here.      For now, I’m up late again just hanging  out with my old friend Pain.








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