After a few days of acting like she loved me. Well…saying it anyway. She did it agian. I didn’t really believe her mentally. Apparently, my stupid ass heart didn’t get the memo. Divorcing is going to be hard and expensive. But I gotta do it.
I’ve been praying for our marriage. Considered forgiving her. Considered allowing her to make mistakes as God gives us so much grace. But my heart can’t take this. I know God can restore it, but the question is, how long can I hold out.
She just doesn’t care. I have to wrap my head around that fact that having this family doesnt mean much to her. I have to get it through to this stubborn heart that she’s checked out. She can’t respect me at this point. She doesn’t. She cheated and had an affair, I fucked up and started acting like a weak, pathetic loser.
Hypergamy wins again. It’s happened to better men than me, so I can’t really expect much. I’m just playing myself. I knew this from jump. I never want to love again. Who really wants to love someone genuinely. Who really wants to open their heart up when love is never enough.
The suffering behind it is too much. Too risky. I’m not built for this. I can’t be cucked. I refuse. Even IF I allowed it, what does that say about me. Why am I so fucking weak? I don’t love her, I don’t want to love her, she’s proven unworthy so many times. Please heart. Stop loving her. It’s too painful. It makes me weak and pathetic. My dignity gone and I’m lacking self respect. My confidence is shaken. My spirit is weary. Love is a poison that gets you high at first, but leaves you broken. Listen to my mind my heart and stop being so damn stupid.
The love I need MUST come from THE MOST HIGH. Not from a person. Please help me get through this.