When I’m **’d up that’s the Real Me

Everybody says, that confidence is key.   I get it.  But the question is why is it so damn hard to remain confident.  By confident, I mean entitled.   I mean that why do I have to judge myself so damn hard in the moment when I say or do things.  I know I have to at least ‘pretend’ that I know what I’m doing.   Especially when it comes to women.   A friend once told me that my energy is so strong that people follow my lead, even if I’m not trying to influence them.   If I was nervous or unsure, she felt that way.  When I’m confident and happy, she felt that way as well.   Funny, I always suspected that, but thought I was just feeling too self important or probably just reading it wrong.   Even still, maybe she was just saying that to ‘shit test’ me.

I like myself better when I’m drunk.   Everybody does.  I don’t think people usually know, they just enjoy the conversation better.   At least it seems that way.   But I can’t just self medicate every time I’m out socially or when I’m trying to game a girl.   Funny, I don’t really care how I come across to my guy friends, or co workers,  when I am sober.  There is still a difference in communication though.  I just know the right things to say.   I’m ok with not having to be that way all the time.  I’m not too socially awkward when sober, just very socially normal when I’m drinking.

People say it’s low self esteem or something, but I don’t think so.   I feel fine about myself.  I’m not perfect, I’m ok with that.  I can be a little reserved, I’m cool with that.  If I normally acted the same way when I’m drunk or on certain drugs, then I probably wouldn’t drink or do drugs.  If I acted the way I do now, while on drugs or alcohol, I wouldn’t either.

For full disclosure, I don’t do hard drugs.   Cycling between modafinil and sleepwalker pill (GABA) + caffeine do the trick.  If I want to feel gully, I’ll add alcohol to the mix.    The problem is that it’s easier to get blackout drunk.   It feels weird to wake up the next day and have people remind me of something we were talking about the night before only to draw a blank.   Usually it’s something pretty pleasant.  Sometimes deep.  A friend called and apologized to me for something she said in one of those conversations that I totally don’t recall having.

Yeah, I can be an asshole too sometimes, but in the end, I haven’t lost any friends over it.   Well,  some of the people who know me the most sometimes notice it and some claim not to like it.  Oddly, we laugh the most and have the best times in those moments.   When asked “How” I offended them or what was so ‘bad’ about it, they respond with….”I don’t know, you’re just different.”  I don’t know, haters gonna hate?

Either way, liquid courage is artificial and since I don’t want to be an alcoholic, I’ve cut down on my binge drinking a lot.  I prefer not to be “tipsy” when I go out so that I can just be regular old me.   That way, I’m not a totally different person when we meet again or have a phone conversation.

It’s funny how chemicals can alter your personality in such a way.    While sober, I feel that I can manage a decent conversation with people, but I don’t go out of my way to have them.   When intoxicated, I want everyone to be my friend.   I feel that I can have any woman I want.   I feel like a rock star. I want to socialize because I just know what to say.  I can talk all night about nothing and everything at the same time.

I’ve gotten self reflective while intoxicated and asked myself what’s so different.  I mean seriously, I don’t really “feel” that much different in my body.  All of my same insecurities are there.   They just don’t seem to matter as much.   The low level anxiety is slightly altered.  It’s still there, but it feels more like a low level positive expectation.  Or a low level of excitement.     That no matter the outcome, it’s still all good.   Like I don’t have to handle things, I get to handle things.

I breathe slower.   I feel sharper.  My judgements of myself are still there, just not as serious.   I’m  More relaxed and energetic at the same time.   Yeah, I need to stop writing this or I might end up spending money this weekend that I don’t have right now.   It’s so tempting to use it as an aid to get laid.  BTW, I screw like a rockstar when I’m wasted too.   There has to be some way to feel this way without drinking or popping pills.  Most of the girls I’ve pulled was because I gamed them while I wasn’t sober.   I can manage day to day slight interactions (short phone calls/ texts/ etc), but when I’m under the influence it feels that we get closer.  Our conversations are just better.

But I prefer sobriety if it means I can avoid the pitfalls of addiction.   Drugs and alcohol can ruin your life and it’s easy to get out of control with it.  I don’t drink at work nor most weekdays.  I popped modafinil here and there, but luckily, it stops working if you take it for too many days in a row.   When I did though, I had the most intriguing conversations with my co workers and we struggled to stop talking and get work done.   Sleepwalkers and caffeine are kind of the same way, but they work better with alcohol.

It’s easy to say, just be confident.  Shit I am confident, unless I just don’t know what confidence means.  Maybe there should be a better word out there to describe how to be.  I don’t like to hear, “just be yourself” either.   I can’t help but to be me.   The question is, how to be the intoxicated me without the assistance?  Maybe a better statement would be “just be excited.”

Maybe if I meditate or learn self hypnosis, I can recreate that state of being.  Maybe if I consciously feel the anxiety feeling that I always seem to have  and work on trying to shift it into the same level of excitement, I’ll notice a difference.     It’s really not all that different.   The energy seems to be related in a certain way.   They both feel prickly and I feel it in my solar plexus and gut.   Anxiety feels like nervous and afraid.  Excitement feels like confident and happy.  One feels like drinking cheap gin and the other like a smooth vodka.










Taking Responsibility

It’s really my fault.  I acted out of ignorance, but I take it as a lesson learned.  I’ve been learning that as a husband, it’s really my job to take responsibility for my wife’s emotional state.  Especially if she’s not really self reflective of her emotions.

She just feels them and interprets them without using her logic to process them.   To me, it seems to be an ass-backwards way to live life.   To be guided by emotions primarily seems to be a recipe for making a lot of mistakes.   Learning lessons I suppose if you can reflect on them, but still.  You’ll jump first, because you felt like it and then think or worry about the reasons or consequences later.  I guess this what happens when you ‘follow your heart’.

A woman’s emotions are so damn fickle, I don’t see how they don’t just kill themselves on accident more often.   I can see why they keep choosing bad men and knowingly have kids with them.  But maybe I can use this knowledge in the same way bad men do, but just not take advantage too much.  It seems that the biggest thing is arousing emotions in them knowing that they can’t help themselves.  In a way, I have to protect her, from herself.   This means that I have to be able to engage with my own on a way that I’m uncomfortable with.

I can’t expect her to process things like a man.   I think I did that.   For example, she says she likes to travel.   In my man mind, I was thinking that if you like to travel (and traveling isn’t really my thing, but I’m open to it), then you should plan a vacation for us or at least ask me to help you plan a vacation.   In her head, I should plan it, convince her to take the days off, and then figure out how we can afford it.

Another is that she insists that she’s a foodie.  Instead of telling her that she doesn’t act it by going to the same resturaunts and ordering the same things all the time, I should have made plans to go to a different resturaunt, sold her on the idea, and then allowed her to order the same foods while I ordered something different so she could taste it.

In other words, a woman doesn’t necessarily act consistently with the map of reality she puts out there.   She says she’s an entreprenuer, it doesn’t matter that she works the same job, hasn’t tried to open a business, guess what, she’s an entreprenuer and I should open a business and let her help me make it work.

Many women say they like ‘nice guys’, but all of their baby daddies or boyfriends are thugs and all of her good guy friends are friendzoned….Guess what, she likes ‘nice guys.’   It’s as if what she feels can be totally opposite of what she does, but her feelings trump her actions all day.   Guess what, if you call her out on it, or give her advice on how to achieve certain goals, then usually, she’ll resent you for it and feel ‘unsafe’ with you.

It’s scary because knowing my wife is like this, I gotta realize that she probably still feels like she was a great person/wife in spite of her actions.   She could be a cheater, but hate and talk shit about cheaters all day.  She’s not really a cheater because she doesn’t feel like one.

On the converse, if I see something that I want or want to do something, I don’t expect her to do it for me.  If I said that I was a ambitious, but chose to spend all of my time playing video games, then I’d expect her to be turned off by my inconsistency.   Not so with women, you just gotta go with it.

It’s just the nature of the beast.   As stupid as all of this is, it’s a valuable lesson.  You gotta pay if you want to play.   The thing is, I don’t know if I can deal with the madness.  It’s hard to to just turn a blind eye to such things without being frustrated and angry.  It’s easy to turn a blind eye and dismiss it all as bullshit.   But that’s a dangerous thing if you really love her.  She’ll end up resenting you.    Honestly, what we as men bring to the table is a lot.   Even with a woman who is financially “independent”.   I’d argue that the amount of bullshit you have to deal with raises itself exponentially if you aren’t affording her a lifestyle she couldn’t get on her own.

The lesson is to give her a fantasy.  Thats’ your primary responsibility.  Protect this fantasy for her.     Let her live in it for as long as you can, but don’t get too attached, because as soon as that fickle heart changes, so does her love for you.   She’s never yours, it’s just your turn.

I believe that most women want marriage, but really aren’t ready for it.   Their feelings must come first, then the action will follow.  However in marriage, over time, the opposite becomes true.   Actions first, the feelings will follow.   This is what’s meant by marriage takes work.   Most would rather chase their feelings with the hot pool boy, especially if financially independent, than put in the work to keep and maintain their feelings.   Most would rather fall in love than stand in love.





Looking in the Mirror

I was reading an article this morning about emotionally abusive relationships and narcissist abuse.   I was surprised that many of the characteristics described me.   Here are a few that I engaged in:

1)Making her account for her time

2)Snooping through her things

3)Make her the scapegoat for all the problems in our relationship.  I mean she was cheating.  I could have forgiven her, but to continue to do it in my face or even behind my back was very hurtful.   What if she got pregnant or an STD?

4)The whole “Jekyl, Hyde” .  Ok one minute, then angry the next.   PTSD, triggers>?

5)Accusing her her cheating.  I mean she was, but she probably wasn’t always texting her ‘lover’ every time i accused her.

6)Felt entitled to respect.   I mean shouldn’t your spouse respect your feelings especially if their behavior is inconsistent with everything they led you to believe they were ok to marry.

7)Felt entitled to sex.  I was tired of being rejected time and time again.  No matter what I tried, it was the same thing.  It hurt, but I didn’t want, nor had the time to cheat myself.

In fact, of the 44 things on that list, I was probably guilty of at least 38 of them at one time or another.   Now, I’m really questioning myself.   I mean, I don’t believe I acted that way before she cheated.   Sure, I occasionally went through her cell phone, before the affair but seriously, it was really rare when I did that.  Plus I caught her going through mine a few times.  I didn’t have anything to hide, but I figured if it reassured her, I was ok with it.

Even right now, I’m blaming her for the way I acted.   But she was unapologetically having an affair.   Ended it with the guy, then started an emotional one with “a friend” she cheated with earlier in our marriage.   I wanted to keep my family together, but at the same time, are they suggesting that I should have just allowed her to continue having it.   Trust was broken and she kept lying about things.   She betrayed me and didn’t really try to repair the trust as she kept up with her secrecy.  I suppose I was trying to control her, but not a way that I thought was unfair.   I figured the things she was doing was not only unhealthy to the marriage, but also hurtful and disrespectful to me.   I don’t think women understand how disrespectful it is to a man if another man has sex with his WIFE.

In addition, I was being hurt, but he provided a ‘distraction’ to keep her from addressing the issues in the relationship.  As long as he was her emotional tampon, she could just ignore all of the issues she faced.  If I allowed it to continue without addressing it, she’d continue to lose respect for me as her husband.   Moot point now that I think about it, once she cheated, all of the respect was gone.   Once she betrayed me and humiliated me for her affair partner’s sexual gratification and ego boost, it was dead.

Was I justified in this?   In retrospect, I shouldn’t have had to do all of that in order to maintain the relationship.   Still though, I felt blindsided.   Should I  really have been able to “read” the signs instead of relying on her to just tell me she was ‘unhappy’.   I really did try to talk to her and tell her how I felt.   Was I wrong for expecting her to reciprocate?   She shut down.  I even tried the whole not talking and let her talk thing and conversation just ended up on stupid things like what happened on love and hip hop or some unrelated joke about what some guy was doing on instagram.

In a marriage, how do you walk the line of self-respect when your spouse offends you.   When she doesn’t apologize or even worse, apologizes and yet continues to violate your boundaries.   What about in cases of stonewalling or “shutting down” as she calls it?  It would have been much easier if I didn’t think our kid would be so hurt and affected by it all.   I could have just walked away.   But, how could i just walk away without taking him into consideration?

Articles like this don’t take into consideration that cheaters/adulterers can drive a spouse crazy.   My wife once told me that her affair partner’s baby mama was crazy and followed them in a car once.   I’m thinking that if she was acting crazy, it was probably because he was making her crazy by lying, gas lighting, and cheating…”HELLO”.

I know we’re supposed to take control of ourselves, but to absolve someone of making you act that way is irresponsible in my opinion.   I didn’t act this way until she started violating the covenant and boundaries we had in place.   I was hurt, lost, and confused.   I couldn’t just walk away from our responsibilities and expectations.  We had a family and a kid depending on us.    Maybe I didn’t handle it in the best way  looking back.

If someone repeatedly punches you in the face, are you supposed to just sit there and take it to prove that you’re the bigger person?  What if something is preventing you from running?  Do you just take it just hoping that they’ll either 1)see the error in their ways or 2)their arm gets tired.

We all know that cheating/ having affairs are wrong and very hurtful.  Hell, one of our favorite shows used to be ‘cheaters’ and we’d both laugh at the person caught whenever their response would be anger for being followed.   We didn’t show that person any sympathy, but yet now, when she’s angry for being “followed”, she deserves better treatment somehow.

Like I said, I could have forgiven her if she had just stopped.  I was willing to take that L and humiliation.   We could have gotten help, gone to counseling.  What’s wrong with that.  What’s wrong with walking away amicably had we decided that we just couldn’t fix it.  Why did it take all of the disrespect, hurt, and humiliation.  She absolutely knew that she was in the wrong for this.  She knew that I was in a lot of pain, but didn’t care.   As if our friendship meant nothing in the end.   Perhaps, I could have been a better husband, but surely I didn’t deserve all of that.

Articles like this totally absolve her from any responsibility she might have played into turning the relationship in to the toxic mess it ended up becoming.  I was just reacting to the pain she caused me.  I didn’t even start doing that until she sucker punched me a few times.   I told her it was disrespectful and hurtful, and she already knew it, but chose to continue doing this.

I now know it’s for the best to have separated myself from this.   Maybe I wasn’t perfect, but I was willing to find out what my contribution to her unhappiness was.  She just had to talk  to me.   So it’s hard not to put most of the blame on her for escalating to this point.  It’s sad, but I wonder if she’ll ever even acknowledge it.




Went out with a friend and game is a bit rusty.  It ended anti climatic, no kiss, but at one time, there was the opportunity for sex had I decided to pursue.    I know that I messed it up.   She was all over me, but I was a bit inconsistent in what I wanted.   I really didn’t want sex.  I’m so fucking stupid because I know that my wife doesn’t love me.   I know she doesn’t care.   But yet, a part of me wants our marriage to work.  It’s not even for her, it’s because I’m so afraid of hurting our son even worse.  He has high expectations.   I know that I can’t coddle him forever.

My friend (let’s call her DD) likes me, but isn’t really sure about me.  She knows my situation and we get along pretty good.  She’s a bit crazy, but I’m ok with crazy for now since I’m not trying to fall in love anyway.   The thing is that she wants to be in love and she wants someone to love her back.   I believe that she’s willing to open that door, but she wants me to want it with her too.

Here’s the thing, I don’t really have the confidence to really keep her.   I mean I know that I could lie and pretend that we could work things out, but tbh, when we went out, it just didn’t feel right.   It felt like were trying to make something fit that doesn’t.   I probably could have actually had sex, but my son called on the way to get her and asked if I could come see him.   If felt like a hypocrite because I get on to my wife about putting other dudes before him.  I’d be just as guilty if I chose her over him.  I ended up going out, but cut it short because I promised him that I’d come by.   We had a little heart to heart and prayed together so I’m not mad at that.  I’m pissed because my wife was just sitting here watching reality tv and texting as if nothing was happening.

It breaks my heart to see him sad like that and it pisses me off that she sits there oblivious to all the pain she’s causing us.  What’s worse is that I could have actually had sex that I’ve been missing for a while.   Instead, deep down, even though I’m pretty sure this is over, I’ve been praying for a miracle.    That God would turn things around and that she’d wake up and see that she is actually losing our family.

I’m double minded and literally can’t make my mind up.  I want to keep the family for our kid and I  pray for a miracle.  At the same time, I don’t really want her back and I don’t know if I could ever trust her.   At the same time, I did vow for better or for worse, at the same time, I don’t want her to stay where she doesn’t.   At the same time, I have to trust that God can move and restore things, so I can’t be out here doing stuff like having sex.   At the same time, maybe if I detach, she’ll notice and want to at least try to fix things.   But then again, could I ever even trust her again.    Plus she already looks like her mind is made up.    It’s so hard lying to my son and act like this was a joint decision.    But at least he accepts the narrative that it’s for the best for now.

I probably fucked up with DD anyway.   I should have just brought her over and had sex.  I could have made it up to kiddo tomorrow or something.   But tbh, its probably best that I didn’t.   In the end I was able to pray with my son without the guilt tonight.   Sex ain’t everything and the lesson I learned from her was that confidence is key.   The whole while, she wanted me to disagree with her about why we couldn’t/shouldn’t be together.   She wanted me to alleviate her doubts, at least be confident and unshaken when she had them.  I was off center and she recognized it.  I knew it, but we were holding hands and making out a bit in the park anyway.    Fuck it, she probably wanted me ‘man’ up and be decisive.   But I didn’t want to lie and say we would work.  We’ve had too much emotional talk to just be fwb at this point.  My game is rusty what can I tell you?  Besides, if we had sex, then what?  I would have been just as guilty of what the wife is doing.  I have to put him first for now.   Eventually, things will be better, but for now, priorities.

Besides, if she’s done with me, then it wasn’t meant to be.  I’m starting to think that I’m more worried about losing her than keeping her.   That’s not a healthy space to be in and I should probably walk away while I still can.

It’s funny how much emphasis we put on sex.   How did I even consider that it was remotely as important as being there for my kid.  It’s not even the fact that I couldn’t be there tomorrow, but it was the fact that I’d never have had the moment to be there for him when he needed me like that again.   At the end of my life, this is one decision, that I think that I’ll always be have glad to have made.

Attraction isn’t Love

When dating, a lot of us fall into the trap of thinking that chemistry and attraction is love. While those components are necessary to want to keep someone around, those things can also trap you into staying in bad relationships.

These superficial aspects are usually only temporary and like all things in life, familiarity breeds contempt at the worst. At best, we start taking those things for granted.

I’ve heard more than too many times that “the heart wants what it wants.” People often use this as an excuse to do stupid shit with stupid people and end up getting burned as a result. Usually the “heart” translates to lustful desires and people who feel entitled to chase their “hearts” towards happiness end up either cheating or feeling discontent in their marriage or LTR.

In the end, integrity and self control are probably the best way. At least if raising a healthy family is the goal. You have to be willing to kill your ego, there is a huge risk though if your partner isn’t.

Pay to play?

Perhaps it’s the “Red Pill Rage”, but lately, after speaking to so many women, I’m starting to see things I’ve never noticed. I’ve always been the ‘nice’ guy, not because I wanted sex, but because I figured that people would want treat you the way you treated them. I wanted to treat women as equal to men.

Now I realize that there is a problem. You cannot. I mean, you can, but the consequences are that you end up losing respect from women.

Here’s what I’m noticing, women can talk and speak at length with logic, understanding, and reason. There seems another darker side to them that transcends that. I call it emotional agency. Or rather the lack of it.

Most of them completely ‘shut down’ (at least the ones I’ve been dealing with) if you disagree with them or simply fail to understand what they are saying. This can manifest as either extremely ‘bitchy’ behavior or the silent treatment. Usually marked by saying “I’m fine” followed by silence.

A good conversation can quickly go south if you don’t derail or turn back. You have to carefully watch the signs or else they will quickly jump into their feelings. From there, you may as well eject. This has the added effect of making them lose respect for you as your ability to make them “feel safe” is gone.

I’m thinking that i was wrong with the idea that it’s better to tell them what they need to hear over telling them what they want to hear. Of course, tact was always par for the couse, but no matter how tactful you are, no matter how good your intentions are, you just can’t.

Many times, for me anyway, it’s not about “winning” or being right. Nor is it necessarily about changing her mind. It’s simply why not just consider what I’m saying and here are the reasons why it might benefit you.

On the other hand, they are quick to tell me their opinions on how I’m not “living my best life.” I actually listen and often consider their assessment, even if i disagree. But then, when i ask for examples of how I’m guilty of whatever indictment Im accused of, they either can’t or don’t want to tell me.

I do realize that we cant always come up with examples in real time, so i allow it. But, just like I’ve told several women i know….”you cant just call someone a theif without telling them what they stole. You can’t accuse someone for being a liar if you can’t tell them what they lied about.”

How can you accuse me of something, but not tell me what i did/am doing to make you think that way? But even in the cases they do give me an example, I’ll either accept that i didn’t realize it or ask for further clarification before outright dismissing it. For me, it’s growth, even if there are growing pains involved.

The 800 pound gorilla in the room is that this sentiment is never reciprocated. That’s to say that any advice or suggestion i have for them is taken as a personal insult. They don’t have to “defend” themselves. In short, the game seems that they get to play offense and you must always play defense. And u gotta play with ‘kiddie gloves’ no matter how wicked, irresponsible, or shitty they act.

It’s not even a matter of fear of confrontation. It’s a matter of once the “bitch” shield goes up, then any chance of getting through goes completely out the window. It’s a waste of time. It’s like how the good book talks about arguing with a fool about his folly.

It’s even worse that society pretty much gives women a pass for being a bitch. They excuse themselves and treat it like it’s some endearing quirk or something. We as men, however cannot afford to simply lose control like that. While i think it’s not a masculine thing to do, it appears that many women are attracted to men who get emotionally bitchy and call it being strong. It’s called standing in their own truth even if it goes against everything else they previously claimed to stand for.

As a man, i feel that this emotional instability could be a huge liability if it’s exhibited in a friendship where i need to trust you to hold it together. I feel that we have to be able hold it together in spite of emotional turmoil. If he folds or allows his emotions to overwhelm his ability to reason, then he can’t be trusted not to freeze up if shit hits the fan.

I really thought that women should be trusted in the same way. You know, we were equal in that way. But now i realize that i was wrong. At least that’s been my experience as of late. I have to learn that you have to keep certain truths from them. Their tendency to go from 0 to bitch(unreasonable) in a few minutes make it best to avoid anything remotely controversial.

It’s sad, because one of the things i envisioned in a wife is someone who could “hold me down” just as i “held it down for her” no matter how hard it got. Someone i could be 100 with. Even if it hurt sometimes. I wanted someone, not to just grow old with, but to grow up with.

Now i realize that every move and step has to be measured. I have to “play the game”. I can’t expect her to just love me for me, but how well I play it and if the way i play it serves her needs at the moment. It’s not about me, nor us, it’s truly all about her if i choose to play.

This means that i can only give love, but not my heart. Tbh, she probably doesn’t really want it anyway even if she says that she does.

U cant argue results

Between, red pill, learning pickup and personal experience, I’m learning that you really just can’t treat women the way they say they want to be treated if you want to attract and maintain sexual attraction.

Unfortunately, the attraction triggers for them happen to be in direct opposition to what would be needed for a man to want a woman as a real friend and confidant.

You may be able to attract her temporarily with worldly things like looks, muscles, or wealth……or even mentally with creativity, humor, or intelligence, however, eventually if you don’t play the “game”, she will lose attraction.

Once that’s lost, it’s only a matter of time before the respect is lost. The best ones will leave you, but most often, the majority will monkey branch to the next simp. You’ll realize that there isn’t even really a friendship there.

Her concept of friendship is totally based on her terms and you have to deal with it or nah. NOTHING, not loyalty, integrity, kids, history or anything is more important than her immediate happiness….instant gratifaction at the time.

It’s not an indictment no more than saying that water is wet. It just is what it is. You could be angry and go all MGTOW, which is a reasonable position if you ask me.

But you could also just accept it for what it is. These birds ain’t loyal. At least not in the way you’d like. So instead of just picking up your ball and taking it home, take a queue from “bad boys” and stop giving a fuck.

Justification for learning and “playing the game” comes from the fact that you can’t argue results. Women are attracted to men who want to slut them. Not wife them.

Plus, you give them more of what they want by not caring.

Actually caring puts you in a position of neediness which is the fastest way to dry up some pussy. Sorry dude, your best intentions will not attract her for long. She may get with you as a rebound if her douchey ex dumped her….or she dumped him because she “had to”, but over time, she’ll start taking u for granted and its just a matter of time before one reaches out to the other and she has his cock in her mouth after she texts you that she is having fun out with the girls.

They love the chase more than catching the prize. If u can get her to chase, you have to keep her chasing by either 1. Taking her validation away or 2. NOT really giving a fuck about her in the 1st place.