For the Love of Christ

 

It’s so funny how I can’t help my feelings.   It sucks.  I don’t want to love her, but I feel addicted.  I’m stuck.   I really don’t want to love her.   I see no logical reason to.  I think I’d be happier if I didn’t.

Honestly, she doesn’t deserve me.   Maybe we don’t deserve each other.   I just don’t think I have the confidence nor heart to win her back, even if I wanted to.   That lack of confidence makes me not want to put forth any effort.   But the fact that she’s on the fence, cheated already, and is possibly scouting for new recruits makes it a moot point anyway.

I mean she put me in a position to where trying to win her back would look pathetic on my behalf.  It would be one thing if she didn’t have an affair, but felt unhappy.    But to play the game of trying to win her back after all of this…..knowing that she is a cheater and knowing that she could do it again…..knowing that she isn’t really that sorry and that she could betray me so deeply.  I mean she could do it again.  How can i fake it?   How can I pretend like I’m ok?   Maybe I just gotta face the fact that my family is gone.   That we have to coparent and raise our son in a broken home.

I just don’t get why this isn’t affecting her so deeply.   I mean how can you just destroy your family and not feel HORRIBLE about it.   We did have a loving home.   Our son knew mommy and daddy.  He saw us working and playing and laughing together.   We had good times together.   He felt the love.   The traditions, old and new.   We made decent money.  Lived in a great neighborhood.   I mean it wasn’t always perfect, but it was ours.  We gave our son something neither of us had, two loving parents who loved and respected each other in the home.  How could she take that from us?  How could she be so unhappy when I sacrificed so much, she did too, and we had so much potential?   Why did she have to wait to have a full on affair to tell me that she wasn’t happy?  What is this “happiness” she seeks?    Wasn’t our family worth at least working on?   How could her desire for another man come before giving our son a home?  I wasn’t perfect, but I was a damn good husband.

This female hypergamy is out of control.    We live in a time where selfishness and the pursuit of personal gratification override the needs of our child.  Where boredom is reason enough to break up homes, destroy marriages, and emotionally damage our kids.  The modern woman wants the world handed to her on  a platter.  She doesn’t want to be responsible for handling her own happiness.

A man must be rich, successful, ambitious, an entertainer, comforter, keep her surprised, stay sexy, walk a tight rope of being available, yet just mysterious enough, help around the house, noticeably desired by other women, able to read her mind, always funny, masculine, feminine, put up with her emotional mood swings, be a punching bag, command respect, and constantly pass all of her shit tests which get harder and harder over time.   And you know what, she still gets bored and ungrateful after all the work you put in.   On top of that sex drops off dramatically.    And you deal with that.   All of that because you love your family.  All because you love her.   And she doesn’t even appreciate it.    Drop one ball and she’s miserable, unhappy, and you’re the evil husband who won’t let her out of her miserable marriage.

Once the cheating starts, the disrespect ensues.   The lies, the gaslighting, the sex falls off even more and you know she’s just doing it to save herself for her affair partner.   She feels like she’s cheating on her affair partner with you.   You, your family, your sacrifices, past and present mean absolutely nothing to her.    Your pain is your problem.   Her “happiness” outweighs the kids sadness.   And yet she still walks around like, she’s the world’s greatest mommy.   As if she’s some prize or catch.    But you still have to show up each and every day and still do what you gotta do for the kid.   She still benefits.

It’s really a nightmare.  The pain is indescribable.  I felt absolutely broken at one point. All the sleepless nights clutched up in fetal position.   All the screaming out loud alone in the car and punching the air.  It felt like something inside of me broke.     Though not as bad as it used to be, I still walk around with anxiety in my chest that won’t go away.   I’m still triggered by certain songs and the sound of iphone notifications.   And she gets to walk around as if nothing happened.  She took your dignity, pride, self respect, and family away.   And guess what, you have to forgive her, not for her, but for yourself.    Even if she could care less how bad she hurt you.

We all got hurt because she decided to this, but yet somehow she’s the victim.  It’s my fault.  I should have been able to handle or better something.  There were no red flags.    Men, I’m warning, you, it’s not worth it.  I’m coming out lucky because she actually makes more money than me, so at least no alimony.    I’m still prayerful that God will find someway to fix this though.

It’s funny how our relationship mirrors the relationship with our creator.   We’re told to love our wives with the love of Christ.   We are horrible sinners and yet He died for us.   None of us deserve God’s forgiveness and yet He laid his life down as a sacrifice.   We still sin, but His grace is a huge testament of His love for us, even if we don’t always recognize or show appreciation by doing as we ought.   I know I’ve played the grace card many times.  I know God has looked out for me at lot of times and still does.

And yet, I claim to love her, I vowed to love her with that Love.  I didn’t realize at the time how it would play out, but here  I am.   Figuratively laying my life (ego, self respect, pride) down while she still doesn’t really appreciate it.  Perhaps, as His servant (pitiful as I am), I am to keep giving her grace and continue to pray for our family.    I’m not Jesus, but I do owe him my life.   Maybe this is why I still love her.  It was probably very selfish of me to ask to remove that longing for her from my heart.   He didn’t.    Maybe this is God’s way of showing me how to REALLY love someone.   May He help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “For the Love of Christ

  1. Sorry to hear things aren’t working out. The world can be a rough place. Try not to take out your frustration on all women just because you’ve been done wrong by a single woman though. There are a lot of good women out there, even though that’s hard to believe sometimes.

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