What the cuck is that

So after moving out, the wife and I seem to be getting along pretty ok.   Still no sex even though she hugs me more.   She came over last week and we sort of made out on the couch.  Still though, I’m not really trying to schedule any dates with her.   She’s even being a bit more open with her phone.   I did happen to see that ‘what’s app’ is still one of her most commonly used app in her list so I’m assuming she’s still contacting dj douche fairly frequently.

She calls me quite often just to see what i’m up to.  I think I gotta stop being so damn available all the time.   On one hand, I don’t call her, I just let her call me unless it has to do with the kid.   Things are starting to normalize, a bit more.   Our son seems to be getting used to the new arrangement even though he does have bouts of sadness here and there.

She seems to think that she can just two time me and we should just be cool.   Obviously I’m not ok with this arrangement.   I’m not taking her out on dates, I’m not working on anything as long as that asshole is in the picture.  If she wants sex, then we can do that, for now.     TBH, I don’t want to divorce, but at the same time, I don’t want her ‘dating’ or connecting with him emotionally either.   If she wants to eat cake, then why shouldn’t I.   Perhaps I haven’t come across a woman who I really want to make time for.   I suppose that I should keep praying for her to see that our family should be a priority and that the biggest reason we can’t work on things is because of her “friend”.   But on the other hand, as time goes on, and I accept that this marriage is fucked because of how she lacks boundaries, I don’t know if I want it.

If she decides in a month or two that she wants to work on things after hooking up with DJ Douche, I don’t want her back.   Why are some women so damn stupid and difficult?  Does she really think that she can put me on back burner while she goes out and fuck with other dudes?  That really lowers her value to me.   Knowing that another man is fucking my wife.   Eww.  It’s disgusting to think that his fat sweaty ass could be dripping cisco off his pores onto her during sex.    And she wants me to take her back after that?  Sex is supposed to something only between us and at the end of the day, if she’s just going to be out her fucking other guys, then she’s nothing more than a jump off who happens to be a baby mama.   Knowing that our family and my feelings is less important and fulfilling some carnal desire (happiness?) makes her so much less of a prize to me.   Unfortunately, this is not about her, but our family.   Why can’t she just realize that.

Deep in the recesses of my mind, I’m actually starting to normalize this dysfunction.  It’s scary to think that I might possibly take her back after that.    This isn’t marriage.    Why stay faithful if we can just ‘step out’ on each other if we suddenly feel the urge or have the ability to hook up with other people.

As much as I hate the idea of finding someone who I could possibly fall for, I want to in order to make sure I either won’t want her back or at least feel like we’re even.   It makes it harder to pray for our marriage though if I’m out screwing around too.   It pisses me off that a grown assed black man would interfere with a marriage even if the wife makes herself available to him.   He knows how important it is for a black boy to have his father in his life.  He knows that having an in tact household is important.   He’s acting like a straight up bitch allowing his emotions to override his sense of right/wrong.   I blame them both.  She made vows with me, but he is enabling her to destroy her home.  He may justify and say that she’s not happy.  I’m not exactly happy either.  But having an emotional affair isn’t the way to address that.

I’m learning that people in today’s time don’t care about anyone but themselves.   We as black people don’t need that shit right now if want to get out of this hole that America has put us in.   In my mind, it starts with family.   If we want to change the culture as a whole, we have to start within our own homes.   In that sense, we should be our ‘brother’s keepers.’

I don’t think he realizes that we still have a pretty decent chemistry as far as getting along and that space will probably draw us together.  I think that if he does happen to somehow get in to a relationship with her, then she’ll think the ‘grass is greener’ back over here after she gets used to him.  Plus the taboo of doing it would probably drive her over the edge.   TBH, I’d fuck her out of spite over that.  I mean she’s my wife and all, but my biggest fear has already been realized.  I’ve already been humiliated in one of the worst ways possible by her.   So at the end of the day, if he was willing to destroy our home just (for “love” or sex) then why wouldn’t I return the favor.  I mean doesn’t he realize that if she’s willing to cheat with him (and destroy her family in the process), then she’d be willing to cheat on him.   Messy Jerry Springer type ish for sure, but since I don’t really have the option of putting my hands on him the next best thing is to wreck the ‘best thing’ in his life.

I can’t but feel dirty in this whole situation.   These feelings of confusion,vengeance and pain and hatred feel like my soul is darker somehow.   I feel lost.  How could something that started off so beautiful end up so disgusting?   In the end, I guess that it’s what happens when you deal with the modern women who’s addiction to dysfunction and drama puts you into these positions.

 

 

 

 

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