When I’m **’d up that’s the Real Me

Everybody says, that confidence is key.   I get it.  But the question is why is it so damn hard to remain confident.  By confident, I mean entitled.   I mean that why do I have to judge myself so damn hard in the moment when I say or do things.  I know I have to at least ‘pretend’ that I know what I’m doing.   Especially when it comes to women.   A friend once told me that my energy is so strong that people follow my lead, even if I’m not trying to influence them.   If I was nervous or unsure, she felt that way.  When I’m confident and happy, she felt that way as well.   Funny, I always suspected that, but thought I was just feeling too self important or probably just reading it wrong.   Even still, maybe she was just saying that to ‘shit test’ me.

I like myself better when I’m drunk.   Everybody does.  I don’t think people usually know, they just enjoy the conversation better.   At least it seems that way.   But I can’t just self medicate every time I’m out socially or when I’m trying to game a girl.   Funny, I don’t really care how I come across to my guy friends, or co workers,  when I am sober.  There is still a difference in communication though.  I just know the right things to say.   I’m ok with not having to be that way all the time.  I’m not too socially awkward when sober, just very socially normal when I’m drinking.

People say it’s low self esteem or something, but I don’t think so.   I feel fine about myself.  I’m not perfect, I’m ok with that.  I can be a little reserved, I’m cool with that.  If I normally acted the same way when I’m drunk or on certain drugs, then I probably wouldn’t drink or do drugs.  If I acted the way I do now, while on drugs or alcohol, I wouldn’t either.

For full disclosure, I don’t do hard drugs.   Cycling between modafinil and sleepwalker pill (GABA) + caffeine do the trick.  If I want to feel gully, I’ll add alcohol to the mix.    The problem is that it’s easier to get blackout drunk.   It feels weird to wake up the next day and have people remind me of something we were talking about the night before only to draw a blank.   Usually it’s something pretty pleasant.  Sometimes deep.  A friend called and apologized to me for something she said in one of those conversations that I totally don’t recall having.

Yeah, I can be an asshole too sometimes, but in the end, I haven’t lost any friends over it.   Well,  some of the people who know me the most sometimes notice it and some claim not to like it.  Oddly, we laugh the most and have the best times in those moments.   When asked “How” I offended them or what was so ‘bad’ about it, they respond with….”I don’t know, you’re just different.”  I don’t know, haters gonna hate?

Either way, liquid courage is artificial and since I don’t want to be an alcoholic, I’ve cut down on my binge drinking a lot.  I prefer not to be “tipsy” when I go out so that I can just be regular old me.   That way, I’m not a totally different person when we meet again or have a phone conversation.

It’s funny how chemicals can alter your personality in such a way.    While sober, I feel that I can manage a decent conversation with people, but I don’t go out of my way to have them.   When intoxicated, I want everyone to be my friend.   I feel that I can have any woman I want.   I feel like a rock star. I want to socialize because I just know what to say.  I can talk all night about nothing and everything at the same time.

I’ve gotten self reflective while intoxicated and asked myself what’s so different.  I mean seriously, I don’t really “feel” that much different in my body.  All of my same insecurities are there.   They just don’t seem to matter as much.   The low level anxiety is slightly altered.  It’s still there, but it feels more like a low level positive expectation.  Or a low level of excitement.     That no matter the outcome, it’s still all good.   Like I don’t have to handle things, I get to handle things.

I breathe slower.   I feel sharper.  My judgements of myself are still there, just not as serious.   I’m  More relaxed and energetic at the same time.   Yeah, I need to stop writing this or I might end up spending money this weekend that I don’t have right now.   It’s so tempting to use it as an aid to get laid.  BTW, I screw like a rockstar when I’m wasted too.   There has to be some way to feel this way without drinking or popping pills.  Most of the girls I’ve pulled was because I gamed them while I wasn’t sober.   I can manage day to day slight interactions (short phone calls/ texts/ etc), but when I’m under the influence it feels that we get closer.  Our conversations are just better.

But I prefer sobriety if it means I can avoid the pitfalls of addiction.   Drugs and alcohol can ruin your life and it’s easy to get out of control with it.  I don’t drink at work nor most weekdays.  I popped modafinil here and there, but luckily, it stops working if you take it for too many days in a row.   When I did though, I had the most intriguing conversations with my co workers and we struggled to stop talking and get work done.   Sleepwalkers and caffeine are kind of the same way, but they work better with alcohol.

It’s easy to say, just be confident.  Shit I am confident, unless I just don’t know what confidence means.  Maybe there should be a better word out there to describe how to be.  I don’t like to hear, “just be yourself” either.   I can’t help but to be me.   The question is, how to be the intoxicated me without the assistance?  Maybe a better statement would be “just be excited.”

Maybe if I meditate or learn self hypnosis, I can recreate that state of being.  Maybe if I consciously feel the anxiety feeling that I always seem to have  and work on trying to shift it into the same level of excitement, I’ll notice a difference.     It’s really not all that different.   The energy seems to be related in a certain way.   They both feel prickly and I feel it in my solar plexus and gut.   Anxiety feels like nervous and afraid.  Excitement feels like confident and happy.  One feels like drinking cheap gin and the other like a smooth vodka.










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