It’s really my fault. I acted out of ignorance, but I take it as a lesson learned. I’ve been learning that as a husband, it’s really my job to take responsibility for my wife’s emotional state. Especially if she’s not really self reflective of her emotions.
She just feels them and interprets them without using her logic to process them. To me, it seems to be an ass-backwards way to live life. To be guided by emotions primarily seems to be a recipe for making a lot of mistakes. Learning lessons I suppose if you can reflect on them, but still. You’ll jump first, because you felt like it and then think or worry about the reasons or consequences later. I guess this what happens when you ‘follow your heart’.
A woman’s emotions are so damn fickle, I don’t see how they don’t just kill themselves on accident more often. I can see why they keep choosing bad men and knowingly have kids with them. But maybe I can use this knowledge in the same way bad men do, but just not take advantage too much. It seems that the biggest thing is arousing emotions in them knowing that they can’t help themselves. In a way, I have to protect her, from herself. This means that I have to be able to engage with my own on a way that I’m uncomfortable with.
I can’t expect her to process things like a man. I think I did that. For example, she says she likes to travel. In my man mind, I was thinking that if you like to travel (and traveling isn’t really my thing, but I’m open to it), then you should plan a vacation for us or at least ask me to help you plan a vacation. In her head, I should plan it, convince her to take the days off, and then figure out how we can afford it.
Another is that she insists that she’s a foodie. Instead of telling her that she doesn’t act it by going to the same resturaunts and ordering the same things all the time, I should have made plans to go to a different resturaunt, sold her on the idea, and then allowed her to order the same foods while I ordered something different so she could taste it.
In other words, a woman doesn’t necessarily act consistently with the map of reality she puts out there. She says she’s an entreprenuer, it doesn’t matter that she works the same job, hasn’t tried to open a business, guess what, she’s an entreprenuer and I should open a business and let her help me make it work.
Many women say they like ‘nice guys’, but all of their baby daddies or boyfriends are thugs and all of her good guy friends are friendzoned….Guess what, she likes ‘nice guys.’ It’s as if what she feels can be totally opposite of what she does, but her feelings trump her actions all day. Guess what, if you call her out on it, or give her advice on how to achieve certain goals, then usually, she’ll resent you for it and feel ‘unsafe’ with you.
It’s scary because knowing my wife is like this, I gotta realize that she probably still feels like she was a great person/wife in spite of her actions. She could be a cheater, but hate and talk shit about cheaters all day. She’s not really a cheater because she doesn’t feel like one.
On the converse, if I see something that I want or want to do something, I don’t expect her to do it for me. If I said that I was a ambitious, but chose to spend all of my time playing video games, then I’d expect her to be turned off by my inconsistency. Not so with women, you just gotta go with it.
It’s just the nature of the beast. As stupid as all of this is, it’s a valuable lesson. You gotta pay if you want to play. The thing is, I don’t know if I can deal with the madness. It’s hard to to just turn a blind eye to such things without being frustrated and angry. It’s easy to turn a blind eye and dismiss it all as bullshit. But that’s a dangerous thing if you really love her. She’ll end up resenting you. Honestly, what we as men bring to the table is a lot. Even with a woman who is financially “independent”. I’d argue that the amount of bullshit you have to deal with raises itself exponentially if you aren’t affording her a lifestyle she couldn’t get on her own.
The lesson is to give her a fantasy. Thats’ your primary responsibility. Protect this fantasy for her. Let her live in it for as long as you can, but don’t get too attached, because as soon as that fickle heart changes, so does her love for you. She’s never yours, it’s just your turn.
I believe that most women want marriage, but really aren’t ready for it. Their feelings must come first, then the action will follow. However in marriage, over time, the opposite becomes true. Actions first, the feelings will follow. This is what’s meant by marriage takes work. Most would rather chase their feelings with the hot pool boy, especially if financially independent, than put in the work to keep and maintain their feelings. Most would rather fall in love than stand in love.