Confidence

Went out with a friend and game is a bit rusty.  It ended anti climatic, no kiss, but at one time, there was the opportunity for sex had I decided to pursue.    I know that I messed it up.   She was all over me, but I was a bit inconsistent in what I wanted.   I really didn’t want sex.  I’m so fucking stupid because I know that my wife doesn’t love me.   I know she doesn’t care.   But yet, a part of me wants our marriage to work.  It’s not even for her, it’s because I’m so afraid of hurting our son even worse.  He has high expectations.   I know that I can’t coddle him forever.

My friend (let’s call her DD) likes me, but isn’t really sure about me.  She knows my situation and we get along pretty good.  She’s a bit crazy, but I’m ok with crazy for now since I’m not trying to fall in love anyway.   The thing is that she wants to be in love and she wants someone to love her back.   I believe that she’s willing to open that door, but she wants me to want it with her too.

Here’s the thing, I don’t really have the confidence to really keep her.   I mean I know that I could lie and pretend that we could work things out, but tbh, when we went out, it just didn’t feel right.   It felt like were trying to make something fit that doesn’t.   I probably could have actually had sex, but my son called on the way to get her and asked if I could come see him.   If felt like a hypocrite because I get on to my wife about putting other dudes before him.  I’d be just as guilty if I chose her over him.  I ended up going out, but cut it short because I promised him that I’d come by.   We had a little heart to heart and prayed together so I’m not mad at that.  I’m pissed because my wife was just sitting here watching reality tv and texting as if nothing was happening.

It breaks my heart to see him sad like that and it pisses me off that she sits there oblivious to all the pain she’s causing us.  What’s worse is that I could have actually had sex that I’ve been missing for a while.   Instead, deep down, even though I’m pretty sure this is over, I’ve been praying for a miracle.    That God would turn things around and that she’d wake up and see that she is actually losing our family.

I’m double minded and literally can’t make my mind up.  I want to keep the family for our kid and I  pray for a miracle.  At the same time, I don’t really want her back and I don’t know if I could ever trust her.   At the same time, I did vow for better or for worse, at the same time, I don’t want her to stay where she doesn’t.   At the same time, I have to trust that God can move and restore things, so I can’t be out here doing stuff like having sex.   At the same time, maybe if I detach, she’ll notice and want to at least try to fix things.   But then again, could I ever even trust her again.    Plus she already looks like her mind is made up.    It’s so hard lying to my son and act like this was a joint decision.    But at least he accepts the narrative that it’s for the best for now.

I probably fucked up with DD anyway.   I should have just brought her over and had sex.  I could have made it up to kiddo tomorrow or something.   But tbh, its probably best that I didn’t.   In the end I was able to pray with my son without the guilt tonight.   Sex ain’t everything and the lesson I learned from her was that confidence is key.   The whole while, she wanted me to disagree with her about why we couldn’t/shouldn’t be together.   She wanted me to alleviate her doubts, at least be confident and unshaken when she had them.  I was off center and she recognized it.  I knew it, but we were holding hands and making out a bit in the park anyway.    Fuck it, she probably wanted me ‘man’ up and be decisive.   But I didn’t want to lie and say we would work.  We’ve had too much emotional talk to just be fwb at this point.  My game is rusty what can I tell you?  Besides, if we had sex, then what?  I would have been just as guilty of what the wife is doing.  I have to put him first for now.   Eventually, things will be better, but for now, priorities.

Besides, if she’s done with me, then it wasn’t meant to be.  I’m starting to think that I’m more worried about losing her than keeping her.   That’s not a healthy space to be in and I should probably walk away while I still can.

It’s funny how much emphasis we put on sex.   How did I even consider that it was remotely as important as being there for my kid.  It’s not even the fact that I couldn’t be there tomorrow, but it was the fact that I’d never have had the moment to be there for him when he needed me like that again.   At the end of my life, this is one decision, that I think that I’ll always be have glad to have made.

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