I’ve been listening to a lot of dating advice from dating coaches online lately. I’m a bit rusty. One of the coaches that stand out to me is Corey Wayne. He has a pretty big following on youtube. His advice seems pretty solid. The crux of his teaching that the best ‘negotiating position’ is to be able to walk away.
A lot of the other advice from him and other dating coaches seem to indicate that women are a lot like children. But more like adult children in that we can only ‘punish them’ by walking away. Our job as men it seems is to basically show them a good time, listen, and lead the interactions. I understand this.
But it also seems that we have to ‘know’ them better than they know themselves. And if we can crack the code, act like we don’t. We have to deal with their bitchiness (moments of emotional unreasonableness), and help them through it by making them laugh or something. Not hold them accountable for doing stupid things. Stay mysterious. Be vague about our feelings towards them. Have solid boundaries and be prepared to walk if they violate them (I can agree with this one). Not show real emotions. We have to know our purpose and be working towards it or either be making a boat load of money. Don’t show neediness. Be vulnerable, but not too vulnerable. And understand the subtle and indirect clues they drop if they aren’t blunt with telling you how they feel. Basically, handle with kiddie gloves. But not too much or else you’ll end up friend zoned.
Ok, these are great ideas. But what I don’t like is that if you fail to do some of these things, then it seems that she’s justified in cheating on you.
You weren’t being MAN enough to keep her. I’m working on adapting the principles I’m missing into my life in order to make myself more attractive. The thing is that if she doesn’t love me for me, and I am able to accomplish all of these things on my own, then what value does she have for me. I mean. If I’m able to attract many women at will (as many pretty women are able to do men), then her margin of error is slim to none. If their love if so conditional, then why shouldn’t mine be?
I’m not sure if I really want to be subject to a woman’s ever shifting demands and mysterious emotions. That’s too much pressure. If she can’t control herself, then how can I be responsible for controlling her. If a woman cannot be attracted to (nor respect you)if she feels that she has the power in the relationship, then why paint yourself in a corner (forfeiting your ability to walk away) by getting married, having kids, and loving your family.
It’s really no wonder why so many women are divorcing their decent husbands simply because they no longer feel ‘attracted’ to him. His power is gone and with the no fault divorces laws, structure of child support, and the fact that it’s no longer stigmatized, then it’s much easier for her to just walk away without working on it.
I’m not sure if I have the capacity to actually ‘love’ a woman enough to give so much anymore. Especially knowing that all my efforts are in vain should I fail to read her mind. Knowing that loss of attraction also means loss of respect regardless of what we went through, what I did for her, and even what I still do.
Knowing that her falling “in love” with someone else means that I mean less than nothing to her after that. Knowing that marriage is an uphill battle and times will get hard. Knowing that she’s open to “new love” smell during those times and is so willing throw EVERYTHING away for it. Knowing that instead of helping me solve whatever issue for us or our family, she’ll secretly try to monkey branch into the arms of the next man willing to have her. And ultimately, she’ll just discard us in the name of ‘happiness.’ How can I ever take a modern woman seriously? Even if she says what she means, she only means it at the time.
In my experience, the moment my ‘princess’ fells for someone else, I became less than trash to her. Your feelings, emotions, history and everything becomes nothing, even if you’re still together. Kids don’t matter. You paying the bills, so what. You helped her achieve her goals, “what have you done for me lately.” Even your friendship means NOTHING.
God forbid that the new guy (thinking he’s somehow better than you) gets an ego boost from stealing her. He’ll disrespect you. Some guys literally get off on disrespecting you through your wife. The nastier she gets for him, the better for his ego. And the worst part is, that your former confidant, angel, and princess, the person you’d have taken a bullet for, will let him because it’s what he wants. He knows it, and he will push her to the limit. She will do things with him that she never did with you. She’s turned on even more by the fact that he gets off on it. She is trying to prove herself worthy to him. She will be his slut and it makes her feel ‘alive’.
In her eyes, you’re pathetic. You’re a loser. You’re not as much of a man as he is. She tells him how much better in bed he is. How much she hates you. How much he fulfills her in ways you never could. She doesn’t even regard the fact that she’s allowing another man to disrespect her own children’s father. That she was your queen, but it felt better to be his slut. The contrast fed her to go further than she ever would have imagined on her own. She got off on being disrespected by him and it was amplified by the fact that you loved her so much. Your vulnerable position made you look weak by contrast making him strong. He loved the ego and power boost and it fed the fire of wicked lustful sex. She met that desire in her, and it only costed you your dignity. She didn’t pay a thing for it. She can no longer respect you after that. Without respect, there can be no love. Staying and facing what she did will could cause her too much guilt even if you could manage to fix things. She couldn’t handle that and would have to make herself ‘miserable’ to get out. She could never live up to the truth. That is, if she were a decent person to begin with. She has to cut the cord and likely just move on to the next man. Having marked that off her proverbial checklist, maybe she’ll treat the next good man in her life with respect. The worst part is, she will always lie about it, even to herself and think that she’s done nothing wrong.
She will text him in front of you. Sneak into the closet or bathroom to facetime him naked while you’re playing with the kids. You’ll come up and almost catch her, and they’ll just laugh later as she swears to you that you’re crazy.
And guess what, her friends and family may feel sorry for you, but they ultimately just want her to be happy. Regardless of what it took to get there. In the end they’ll never know the full extent because you’re too embarrassed to say anything. You can’t tell your kids because you don’t want to affect their relationship with their mother. So u end up teaching them that it’s ok to leave your marriage if things get rough.
In the end, your dignity is lost. Your pride is gone. Esteem shot. Emotions out of control. And you’re left there, hurt, mad at yourself for crying. Humiliated. Bitter. Broken. And still somehow praying that your family can survive this. Not even sure how you can. Crying to see your kids in so much pain. Angry at the crocodile tears she’s shedding. How can she hurt and this was her doing. A few minutes later a text pops up on her phone and she’s smiling and singing as if nothing happened.
You’ve lost your dignity, respect, family and you’re supposed to just be a sport about it, be cool and co parent. The worst part is, that you can’t just walk away from this person forever. You share kids who love and depend on you. Not to mention lawyers, child support, and in some cases alimony. Then society will tell you take responsibility because obviously you did something wrong. Even if you did, you never got a chance to address nor fix it. But it’s a moot point by now.
Everyone else still thinks she’s an ok person. On top of that knowing that she will never even fell remorse for doing that to you. Added more insult to injury now that she wants to bring the asshole around your kids. It’s the perfect crime, she gets away with it, and possibly gets to live happily ever after. They’ll make it seem like they just met or he was there for her to support her while SHE was UNHAPPILY MARRIED. And you’re seen as the bitter ex husband who couldn’t hold on to his wife.