Commitment to the Commitment

I was on the phone the other night with someone and we had an interesting revelation about what marriage is supposed to be.   We both agreed that it’s better to commit to the marriage than to the spouse.   The reason is that once the ‘honeymoon’ phase wears off, you’re left with having to learn to love a person all over again.   If you’re only committed to that person instead of your marriage and family, you won’t want hang in there where times get hard.

If you commit to making your marriage better, instead of the person, then you work on it instead of discarding it.  You do your part and if you’ve found a partner who’s less than perfect, but is also committed, then you’ll eventually find your back to each other.   It’s like somewhere along the line in your marriage, either one or both of you will lose your way, the goal isn’t to just walk away, it’s to find each other again.  It’s not really about you, nor that person, it’s about something greater, so your feelings about that person shouldn’t be the primary reason you’re there.  (Of course, there are exceptions as in the case of abuse, repeated adultery, drugs, etc.)    It’s similar to how the Hebrews were lost in the wilderness, they could have taken the promised land, but they lost faith and as a result were banished to live out there for 40 years.   My wife claims that we ‘grew apart’.  No sweetheart, you chose to walk away.

Unfortunately, in this society, everything seems to be about immediate gratification and if it takes works, then we just don’t want it.   People have become just as disposable as cell phones and when the new upgrade comes along, we tend to just toss the old (even if it still works fine) just to have the ‘new’.    Then if we can afford the new, we feel miserable because “we aren’t living our best lives.”  Perhaps that’s the problem with pretty women and some men.  An almost endless supply of thirsty men willing to say and do anything to get into their panties certainly make it seem that there is a LOT of greener grass out there.   Why work on what you have when things get tough when the world is your playground?

Even though this lady was saying all the right things, I don’t believe her.   Nawalts (not all women are like this) don’t exist.  My wife and I had similar conversations about loyalty, love, respect, and all those things in the earlier days of our relationship, but it seems that a woman’s beliefs change with her emotions.   She may have meant what she said at the time, but should her emotions ever change, everything else (including her core principles) will too.  And that can happen instantly.   This is why I don’t know if I could ever fully commit to a woman ever again.   The thing is that they believe themselves in the moment, will adamantly deny (even feel insulted) if you bring that up, and so they won’t even prepare for the enevitable shift in emotions.  Even if you call her out on her bullshit later when she does change, it’s a moot point, it’s like you’re talking to a totally different person.

You can’t ever really trust a person like that.   It’s not a matter of me thinking that I’m not ever good enough, or that “she” isn’t.  It’s just knowing the nature of the beast.  You wouldn’t buy a dog, thinking that it won’t ever bark.   That’s what dogs do.   It’s stupid and cruel to punish it or force it not to be a dog.  You know what you’re signing up for.   By the same token, you can’t force a modern woman to stay loyal and committed and truthful when things get tough.  She becomes miserable and will either cheat behind your back or find ways to make you miserable.  You have either have to accept her bitchiness (unreasonableness) or accept the fact that she’s probably going to leave or cheat on you.   To that I say, why sign up for it anyway.  Is companionship really worth it if you can’t have it on the terms of fidelity, honesty, loyalty, and consistency?  Should I punish her by holding her to her vows even though my heart and the hearts of our children are on the line?  Even if I could convince her on those terms, she’d just choose to make herself miserable.   She’d lose attraction, as we understand ‘love’ differently, and we’d both be miserable.

The idea of finding True Love (not mutual infatuations) in today’s society is just a myth.   The type of women built for sustainable marriages are hard to find.  The problem is magnified by the fact that the bad ones act just like the good ones at first.   On top of that, the worst ones believe they are the good ones and they know how to play the role. I suppose that both men and women are both guilty of this.   They mess it up for the people who actually stand on principle because the people who hurt you the most just so happen to know the right things to say.  They may even possibly believe it at the time.

I suppose for now, and in the middle term future, the goal is to get better at game and enjoy the fact that most men don’t really have it.   No point in looking for love because today, it’s really just a game where the goal is to the get the other person to fall the hardest to satisfy your own ego.  Putting your own heart in is really just a recipe for heartbreak.   The commitment now is to the game, not the woman.

The trick is forcing myself to like the obviously spiritually dead women since they are likely playing the game themselves.   Then again, if you are the company you keep, I could very likely end up dead like them.   Plus, I’m not really motivated to keep up the games.   I don’t like playing them, never did.

Maybe I put too much emphasis on companionship and sex.   In the end, the drama, broken hearts, possible std’s, kids, and craziness isn’t worth the cost of admission.  Self-improvement and cultivating my relationship with God is the best choice.

 

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